Isaiah 45:2-5

There are times during the year when we begin to question where we are supposed to be and reflect on what we have accomplished, especially Christmas. In every season, God wants to shape us, smoothen out the rough edges, trim away the dead branches that do not produce fruit. He reveals truths and life as he goes deeper with us. When he goes deeper and cuts away the dead branches, he causes certain secrets and insecurities to be brought to the surface. He reveals to us certain things about our lives and about ourselves that he wishes to change if we are willing.         
Over the past week is his determination to restore, reveal, and transform. As we continue to seek him, his heartbeat is revealed. As we lean on him we find uncomprehensible peace and comfort in our lives. As we draw into his presence we find rest and security and riches that are more valuable than anything we will receive this Christmas.
In Isaiah 45:2-5 we see that the Lord promises that as we draw near to him and believe his word, he promises riches, and his majesty to be revealed. He says that he is the one that calls you by name, and even when you are not aware of him he still had a purpose, name, and promise for you that is eternal. We are chosen and we have power through him who prepares our way. The greatest truth in my opinion is that he " will go before us and level the mountains (to make the crooked places straight). "
That to me is beautiful. He prepares our way as we continue along the narrow path. He gives us everything we need to live a life of abundance and fulfillment. He is the one gift that all may receive through salvation. So this christmas let us remember that we have not only been given Jesus but we also have been blessed in abundance and we can walk in his promise of abundance and strength in this upcoming year. Change is inevitable but the promises of the Lord Almighty will be fulfilled. He is faithful and what he declares he will do. There is no other gifts as great at as knowing that we have eternal life, unbreakable promsies, and prosperity. No one and nothing can take that away from us.

If only...

He plucks my heartstrings and plays them so right.  He knows what to say when I am down. He always cares about the little things. His smile is contagious. When he is around my heart constantly palpatates. 

If only he knew what I can't say aloud.
If only he could understand why I let him go the first time.
If only he knew what happened when he left and I was left there alone in tears.

I let him go. I knew he would break my heart in time. He was and still is going to go down a different path than me. It was inevitable. It still is now. Breaking my own heart did not make it easier. Not having a solid explanation for him made me hate myself for even ending it.

I thought I let him go. It is obvious to me now that I haven't. We will not be able to stay friends and not be tempted to go further. We will crash and burn eventually. The clock is ticking....

If only he could see the attachment to him that I have developped. 
If only he knew how it pains me to think about him with anyone else.
If only he could see that I want to stay and remain with him ...
Willing to risk pain down the road, but knowing deep down that I can't. 
If only he knew that my heart is breaking with the thought of him gone for good.

I know what I should do. I know what God wants of me. But I can't help but feel as though if I let him go I will be broken all over again.

Broken. That is a strong word and I mean it when I say it. The first time I let him go my heart broke, literally had a pain for months. I remember feeling as if I made a mistake. How could I be in so much pain if this is what I need to do in order to draw closer to my saviour?

If only he loved God like I do.
If only he knew him like I do.

 What was it? What made us connect all over again causing me to go back to this place? I did this to myself. I knew he had to be left in the past. But I chose not to leave him behind. Now we both may end up broken again. I knew this would happen. I knew that I would fall hard for him. I just knew.

If only he was mean. If only he wasn't worth my love and time...

Problem is he is worth it all except he cannot complete the triangle.

He does not understand my relationship with God. He will not be able to support me on my walk with God. I know this, and yet I am still unsettled about the idea that I must be broken in order to be truly complete. Fully commited. That is what I want to be fully committed to the one who loves me unconditionally, who saves me from myself. The one who offers grace, healing, and a refreshing when needed. I am half way there. The other half is what leaves me with an ache.

If only... these words play through my head like a record that skips. Knowing that there will be a part of me erased, makes this decision even harder to make. I know that God will mould me after this...but the waiting for the pain to begin is causing me to be anxious.

I don't know when but it will be soon... I can feel it like a thunderstorm thats miles away. Eventually it will strike. This one will not blow over.

Here I am (song lyrics only)

Here I am: Chantal McDougall
November 30, 2010

Verse 1:

Here I stand
Completely in awe of you
You knew I would be here
I knew that I had to draw near

Verse 2:

You see me here in my confusion
You see what I have shed
I come into your presence
Here I am again

Verse 3

I wish to be renewed
For my mind is confused
I am weary but you are great
Here I am  

Chorus:

So here I am swallowing my pride, here at your feet
Admitting I have no clue what to do
Only you know what I need.
Only you can show me where I should be
I am blind and cannot see
Lord please bring clarity

Bridge?

My heart is lost without a map
My mind is running on overdrive
Your comfort and truth is what I long
I am weak but I know you're strong
So here I am Lord
Here I am Lord 4X

Wisdom through learned lessons

As I was reading I came across this passage:

" Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her." 

The preciousness of wisdom is personified to being more valuable that rubies, silver, and gold. All things that are temporary in nature. Wisdom is eternal and everlasting. In order to gain wisdom one must gain a deeper understanding, which comes directly from the Lord and his word. Sometimes, he uses the mistakes we made to give wisdom and correct us.  

Last night, I gained a deeper understanding into why lust is destructive. It cheats us of God's goodness and the best that he has. The desire to satisfy the flesh temporarily causes the focus to be on self and not on God. He is not glorified when man and woman satisfy themselves prematurely or in sin. Passions are easily ignited, this is usually when lust comes knocking. It is hard to avoid, and we all encounter it  at one point or another. Not all will choose to give in to it. 

I struggled all last night but with God's strength I was able to withstand temptation. I chose not to let lust have a foothold in my life. I will be honest my ex and I both struggled the whole night. I realized after further reflection that the Lord was showing me why he had given me instruction to leave my relationship with Raymond in the past, and to keep it in the past. He knew that my relationship with Ray would leave me desiring sexual intimacy, and that I would struggle to remain pure and to remain single. It was unfortunate that I ended up hurt and confused as a result of ignorance. The lesson now remains clear: Lust is destructive and it will keep me from the best that God has for me in my future. It is a sin that once let in it usually takes a lot of discipline and strength to let out again.

I continue to thank God and I am continually amazed by his unfailing love and mercy and the wisdom he continues to give, which is more precious than anything of this World.     

How did I get Back Here?

So tonight I had a date with my ex just for coffee... but of course like all coffee dates, eventually past feelings and reminders come crawling to the surface. The night goes something like this. I arrive looking beautiful, order a tea and we greet with an intimate embrace. We talk until 11:30 until the night is overfilled with great memories and good times. Non-stop laughter and great hot chocolate and tea make it easy to conversate, but one would be in denial to believe that its only coffee. Somehow coffee turned into more.

The truth is I knew before I went that it was more than coffee. I had the desire to see where it could go if anywhere. Tonight, I began to see that not only do I still have some feelings for him, but I also realize that I was a tease tonight. I showed him what he was missing, but the truth is I wanted him to see him the way he saw me before. I wanted to see him the way I saw him before the breakup.  I wanted him to see that time has healed old wounds, and that I am ready to start again. I realize that not only was I naive, but I was also temporarily distracted by lust and an intimate connection with my past. We both played with fire.

This is me being brutally honest with myself. I feel as if my heart had two desires: satisfy flesh and satisfy spirit. The problem is those two desires are separate they should not go together. In the beginning of the night my only desire was to be in God's presence and let my spirit be renewed and strengthened. By the end of the night, I feel as if my spirit was not only locked away and hidden away from sight, but that is also revealed itself through my conscience. Good ol' conscience always seems to creep up when you are enjoying sin. It definitely made me think about the way this night could end and that made me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of me hurting him was unbearable. How did I get back here? He is one guy in a million but the truth is there is something special about this one guy that I cannot let go. However, my one in a million who will be my partner through marriage, and who will be in the triangle with me and god is the one that I must stay focused on. I keep feeling as if I am making a mistake in letting him go because he is special and we have an amazing connection. Reality is there is someone else for him and I don't want to stand in their way. I must leave our relationship that we had in the past and fully move forward. I just cannot stand any more pain or the thought that I could be making it that much harder for him to do the same.

I played with fire and got brushed by the flame. How did I get back here again?

Impossible Expectations

 It is a rainy Friday afternoon... reflection always seems to come when chaos is surrounding me and the desire to withdraw from the real world is great. The rain is splashing against the windows, people are excited about the weekend and a girl is humming to herself thinking no one can hear her, but all I can do is think about what I need to do when I get home in order to feel satisfied at the end of the day. I have just received my lab marks and it is an 86.5. However, the midterm mark is right around the corner. Suddenly, I am no longer happy about the lab mark for I see a possible disappointment with my mark for the midterm. Teachers express their expectations to students all the time, but for some it is their husband or wife, it is their boss expecting near perfection ( which is near impossible to achieve on own efforts). Suddenly extremely high expectations are set into place and the overwhelming feeling of possible failure or disappointment looms for hours possibly even for days. Does this sound familiar? The worst part about these expectations is they are not your own but from someone who believes their standards are going to create success and attain satisfaction. Impossible expectations are there to encourage us to reach our potential. They seem unreachable and the truth is they are on one's own effort, but with Jesus they can be reached.


In the past, I have consistently struggled to make everyone else happy. I would put aside my own desires and do whatever I could to please everyone else. I was a people-pleaser. For years, I tried to create this perfect happy world where no one was angry with me and everyone just accepted me. I know this sounds naive, but I honestly thought it was the only way to live.  Eventually through life's struggles a realization came. I cannot make everyone happy all the time. That is not my job. The impossible expectation of trying to please my boss, my parents, my friends, and people I worked with was exhausting.  I realized all I was doing was making myself miserable. I am almost certain that everybody has attempted to please someone else and as consequence, they wound up miserable. It happens everyday in our society. The worst part is that we just accept it.


Lately, whenever I succeed there is a constant reminder of that one failure that occurred during the day, week or month. I have struggled to not let them discourage me. In Psalm 103:13 It says" As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear him. For he knows our frame; He remembers we are dust." This is so amazing to me. Not only does he forgive me for my transgressions, he understands that I am not perfect. He never wanted perfection, all he wants is for his people to trust him and fear him. He wants me to succeed, but he realizes that I will make mistakes. Otherwise there would have been no reason for him to die.


There will always be impossible expectations that will be impossible for us to attain. Hence, the word impossible. However, through Christ nothing is impossible.  He will teach us through our imperfection and celebrate with us when we are victorious. We must look to Jesus when impossible expectations are given, ones that seem too difficult for us in our own efforts. Just remember that with him potential will be reached, and eventually we will reach goals that might have seemed impossible before.
Do not look at every failure and feel ashamed or discouraged. The reality is that the Lord already knew failure was imminent, but he loves us anyways. The only expectation that matters is what Jesus expects, which is simply coming to him with everything and trust that he will give the correction and victory in the midst of a difficult battle.  So as I sit and stare out my window, I begin to see that my failures are washed away due to his loving mercy and tender grace that abounds every day.

Strength in times of weakness

It is incredible the amount of strength you can have through Jesus Christ when you need to be strong. It is amazing how the love of God can bring such peace in the middle of utter chaos. When my faith is shaken, he reveals his life, strength, and provision. When I am overwhelmed with despair and in a state of confusion, he shows me his promises and gives abundantly to me to fill my need. His amazing love for me, and his commitment to take care of me is overwhelming. No one on the face of this Earth can give endlessly, love unconditionally, and be wiling to take my suffering, so that I can stand strong and make it to the finish line.
He is my saviour. He is my example. He is my one and only. Without him I would not be here today.

This week has been challenging. It has been a week where many questions were raised and no answers or direction was seen. A glimpse of hope seemed so far down the road. Feelings of failure, disappointment, despair and uncertainty left me in a dark place. I saw only the circumstances. I knew to trust the Lord, and not look at the circumstances. I was just consumed with pity, and doubt. It is easy to tell someone else to have faith and not look at the circumstance, but when it came to applying it to my own life, it was a challenge.

I currently have no job, therefore no money coming in, except for the occasional babysitting job. I have no special someone for I left him due to being unequally yoked, even though I care for him deeply.  I am in a program that has tested my boundaries, questioned my values, and has caused me to completely be dependent on Jesus. I have an opa who is in a long-term care facility, who has recently just left the hospital (praise God :) ), but has been situated on a floor where the "crazies" are. All of these things have tested my patience, and have caused me to feel weary and at times stressed out, so tired of the uncertainty.

My opa is a man who was intelligent, he did crossword puzzles everyday and none of them were a challenge. He is a man who loves to work, loves my oma, and loves to give back. He is not the type of man to sit in a bed all day or walk around with  "crazy" people roaming around the halls. Today, my mom and I went to visit him. He looked happy to see us for a brief moment, then the smile disappeared leaving a face I have never seen before from him. I had asked God to let his life inside me shine through, so that my opa and the other people could see light instead of darkness. I wanted my opa to be reminded that the Lord was with him. My opa seemed to be out of place, ashamed of where he lived. He ate an apple fritter on the balcony, constantly thinking he had somewhere else to be. He had no work, nowhere to be except with us. So even though he was with us, he was somewhere else entirely.

I remember when his diagnosis of Parkinson's was announced.  It left me feeling angry, and confused. Why would a loving self-less man suffer from this disease? This question was pointless, but I am sure many people ask God these questions everyday why me, why her/him?  However, I realized that these questions are because the world has this idea that good people don't deserve to suffer, bad people should get what's coming to them. Jesus does not condemn, he does not make good people suffer. He loves everyone the same with abundant overwhelming love and mercy. The enemy is the one that puts these lies and creates unfairness. Thank God that we as believers can turn to Jesus when we have those thoughts and rebuke them. For these questions and thoughts do not produce fruit.

I would be lying to say that I wasn't overwhelmed. I was emotional when I left that facility. I was hurt that my opa didn't want me to ever come back, because he was so ashamed that I saw him like that. I was overwhelmed with the amount of despair and chaos that consumed  that third floor. These people looked like they were trapped in bodies that they wanted to escape. The beauty in the visit was seeing the result of the light of Jesus. It had some people smiling, and others were yelling at us to come closer. It was amazing to see that through the disparity that Jesus was present with us.

I am still weary and tired. I am seeking Jesus and his strength continuously. My life is his and his life is mine. We are attached and his attachment to me is the only thing that has kept me standing, and smiling through it all. Circumstances are deceiving, but they are temporary. Jesus has a plan and purpose for me and I am determined to trust that he will continue to be real in my life. The uncertainty can be like fog that covers me, but I know that Jesus will continue to reveal himself and clarity will be given.

Thank you Lord for the strength you continue to give me. Thank you for removing the dead branches that don't produce, and for giving me hope and endless love that keeps me standing through this crazy little thing called life.

- Chanti 

Thankfulness List 2010

Thanksgiving lists have been interesting to read this year, for everyone of them has been different. I thought I would do a list as a way of remembering to truly never take anything for granted. This is what I came up with:

1) My relationship with God- continuously growing and becoming stronger.
2) A beautiful sister aka Boo Boo who always cheers me up no matter my mood :)
3) A family that loves God and is always supportive of each other.
4) A bed that I can cuddle in after every long day..
5) Friends who I can always count on and who always seem to know me better than myself (Ashley, Katie, Chantelle, Danielle, Raymond, DJ,  and so many more).. THANKYOU
6) My uncle's pumpkin pie that literally makes me mmmm so loud it makes everyone laugh around me :p
7) Maya and Alyssa Blais who always run and give me a hug when they see me, always making me feel special and who make me tingle inside :)
8) Jodi, for being so loving, funny, and full of hugs and harmonies to share xoxoxo
9) Tammara, she is the one person who does more than I could ever imagine doing, but still ends up inspiring those around her (including myself) and always has time for being a mama to not only her own kids but to many kids within NCC. (Thankyou Mama T!)
10) Morning jogs because they help clear the mind and give the body a good energy boost, before a long day (except when you get locked out.. thanks a lot mom :p)
11) I am thankful for my music team who continues to grow with me, expanding the boundaries, becoming closer than ever!
12) Ashley-Rose Cliffe, she always makes sure I am ok, and always encourages me to stay true to who I am. LUV YA GURL xoxo
13) Justin B, he always seems to make me laugh and yet he continues to inspire and teach me and he even puts up with my sarcasm (probably because I have to put up with his :P )
14) Hot chocolate on a chilly day, it satisfies in more ways than one :P
15) Kids, I love having the kids from the church come up and give me a hug especially knowing that I am someone special in their lives :)
16) My education. It is amazing to me how many people from other countries, and or backgrounds, who don't have the proper education or even opportunities for a good education. I am grateful for the educational opportunities, and for the chance to succeed that I have been given.
17) Chocolate( especially Lindor), it makes life worth it some days.
18) My voice, I am so grateful for the gift of music and song that I have been given, which has helped me express, and deal with some of the harder times in my life. Now I continue to develop my gift, and worship the one who gave it to me in the first place :)
19) Being single. It is a blessing in a sense for I just have to take care of myself. I also am growing and discovering things about myself, that I would not be able to do as much with a boyfriend( will be open to having one eventually especially just not at this current moment).
20) Recorded TV- I love being able to record shows and watch them later ( it makes it easier to not fight over the tv :)
21) My cell (as ghetto as it is)its my baby I am so addicted :s
22) My Dad, he is my family but he is also someone who continues to surprise me.
23) My ipod which makes taking the bus bearable, makes sleep come easy, and makes workouts fun.
24) My opa, he has changed due to his illness but has continues to prove doctors wrong :)
25)Finally, I am thankful for Starbucks and my Aunt Shirley- who is addicted with me. It makes it easier to spill my guts, or get through a long day when I am drinking a pumpkin spiced latte or iced chai tea latte and enjoying the beautifully made lemon poppyseed cake (can anyone say amen to that? :p

So 2010 has been a great year thus far. A big thank you to everyone who has been with me through this year and has come out on top :)

Now to go enjoy the leftovers... mmmm good

Wishes

I wish he could see that I have scars and I am fragile
I wish he could see how much his hurt affects me
I wish he could feel what I feel when he uses his toungue to hurt me
I wish he would be less criticizing and more encouraging

I wish he would understand that I am unique and worth the time to invest in
I wish that he would look at me as whole instead of broken
I wish that he would just give me time and space
I wish he would realize that the Lord is working on me at his own pace

I wish he would try to make an effort to listen to my full sentences
I wish he would just accept me for who I am and not want he wishes me to be
I wish that he would accept my flaws and be patient
I wish Lord that he would just see you inside working in and through me

Conviction

A few nights ago I had a strong conviction in my spirit saying that my previous decision was not what God wants for me at this time. I had previously said yes to a man for a relationship hoping that I was following the Lord's plan, instead I find out that it was not from the Lord at all. Obviously confusion and uncertainty filled the next two days, until I made another important decision. I chose to let the man know that I jumped the gun, and that I would not be starting a relationship even though I had previously said that I would. It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make for it didn't solely involve my heart but another's as well. I know I dissappointed him and possibly even bruised his ego and spirit, but I know without a doubt that I made the right decision. So as I sit on my bed, knowing that tonight would have been our date night, I just remember the conviction I was given and that I must wait.. for it is not my time to be with someone. Let's see if I can stay true to this conviction and soar alone until its time to fly with someone else arises. Day by day is the way to go...

 

Step of Faith

Last night, I was delivered from fear and shame that have been with me for so long. I could feel a burden lifted. I remember feeling weightless, and it was a wonderful feeling. I was emptied then refilled with more love, peace, and joy; more of him literally consumes me and now I cannot contain it. I have shared with people I haven't seen in a while and with those who I love and who are a part of the church.
I have also decided to fear and seek the Lord and ask for his presence to never grow old. I have also decided to say yes and accept a partner to be my support, whom I will learn to love and whom will love and support me in return. We are both excited and slightly nervous. I am taking a step of faith and believing that God will help us grow stronger and know his love and each other more. If he is the one that the lord has chosen everything will simply fall into place when the time is right. If not, then I will lean on him for my next step. I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me this month.

Intimacy with Jesus

It has been a while since I have sat and wrote what has been on my heart. Since March, I have been reading and studying the book by Joyce Meyer called Never Give Up! It is a book that has truly inspired me to live bolder than ever before. For a while, I let fear keep me from what the Lord has for me. This week has been the beginning of a new season that I expected a lot later than the present time. The Lord's timing truly astounds me. I was only looking at my age which to me was a limitation. Praise God that he is not limited for he filled my life with a desire for more than I have ever felt possible.

Just in this past week alone, I have felt the Lord start healing the brokenness that existed from the past. He has been showing me different things that have been changing pre-existing desires and plans that I have had. On saturday, I was at Canada's Wonderland and the Wonder Jam filled of Christian bands such as Starfield and Switchfoot were playing. Two songs in particular, Reign in Us and I will go by Starfield struck something inside of me. For so long I was living my life in a chicken coop, blocked in by limitations that I put on myself. I was just satisfied with living a normal life, like everyone else. However, when those two songs were sung, it was like my soul longed for more. I screamed at the top of my lungs to the Lord to send me to the world, to use me, to remove the limitations I put on myself, and to overwhelm me in his love. I desired him to ignite passion in my soul for something greater. He not only showed me his love and grace but his compassion for the world. In the auditorium all around me, people were crying, some were fallen on their knees begging for more. Many were saved and changed forever, including myself. He showed me that I will no longer be satisfied with the typical. From that night on, I would never be the same. I had found the intimacy I was longing for.

The following day, I felt exhausted from the night before and lacked a strong voice. Ironically, I was singing in the morning. So before I got out of bed, I asked the Lord for a voice, so that I could worship him and praise him again. So when I walked on the stage, I had no doubt that I would have a voice to sing and lead others into his presence. He not only gave me a voice, but he gave me joy and energy to finish what I had started.

The same evening, a vision of an eagle soaring alone with wings outstretched, a heart that was beating fiercely, was revealed to me. Before this image, I was picturing me in a relationship and I had a desire to be with someone. It still amazes me that the Lord already knew my desires, and knew that they would change after that night. For not only did the lord empty me, there was an intensity that I have never felt before. He gave me the strength and courage to tell the guy the truth and then he helped me rest.

This intimacy I have found is nothing like what the world describes intimacy as being. It is peace that surpasses all understanding, a love that overwhelms and literally melts the soul. It is compassion, an intimate bond that cannot be shaken. I can say that I desire to only live for him, and mean it with everything within me. I want to share this love I have found with complete strangers. I have this new found faith to just step out on the stormy seas and walk straight ahead, even if I cannot see two steps in front of me. The circumstances that have stressed me are no longer a burden. Burdens have been lifted and courage of a lion has been given and I cannot say thanks enough.

I exhort whoever reading this to join me in a love revolution and to seek intimacy with him. Jesus has set a challenge to live our lives in love, to share the love we have found in him with those who need it. The lord uses anyone, of any age as long as we are available. He used a child to show me unconditional love after I felt rejection and suffered trauma. I have dedicated my life to serving Jesus and sharing his love with the world. I know many of us have committed ourselves the the Great Commission. With joy I accept the mission, and encourage all of you to not put up limitations. We all have lives that are unique and with different circumstances. Let these not keep us from sharing what we have with the world. The simple things, little acts of kindness go a long way and even children can participate. So let's make it our mission to get to know new people, to show them that they belong in the kingdom of God.

God bless,

Chantal

Clearing out the Junk

This week has started out as a week dedicated to clearing out the junk. It is amazing how much junk my family has kept. My mother realized that once you put your mind to something, the impossible tasks can become doable. For instance, redecorating cannot happen until all the junk has been cleared out. So guess what we were doing all day yesterday.. you guessed it clearing out the mess, folding clothes, buying dressers/organizers, vaccuming, dusting, and throwing things out and of course recycling or giving away things. It took all day and we worked ourselves to the bone. On one hand, I was frustrated that it was so messy in the first place. However, once everything started to get cleaner and more organized I felt relieved.
Now I am cleaning everything all the time, it has become a way of life for me, one that is clean, without clutter. For once, I feel like this is something I can control. So its my mission to try to keep things under control, clean, and organized. I will try...

Ecclesiastes 2

I was reading in Ecclesiastes 2:10-11
Solomon expressed:

" Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure, for my heart rejoiced in all my labour, and this was my reward from all my labour. Then I looked on all the works that my hands had done.
And on the labour in which I had toiled; and indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind. There was no profit under the sun."

This spoke to me, for often we find ourselves grasping for vanity, toiling and being rewarded for all our hard work. Whether, it is being a mom constantly cleaning and providing for her children, to a business woman trying to provide for her family. It can be a student trying to obtain a decent job and impress the employer. We all work hard to obtain things of monetary value. We all strive to work so we can afford necessities, luxuries, and things that bring us pleasure. There is no shame in this. Working hard allows us to feel accomplished, and allows us to be able to provide for ourselves, and our families. However, sometimes individuals, including myself put rewards and vanity before our relationship with God. We are all at fault. However, the Lord explained to me that he is the accomplisher for it is his hands that creates, designs, works to make a profit. For we are not alone. We are his workmanship, beautiful creations that he chooses to reward and bless. Vanity, and rewards will profit nothing alone. When we work towards getting to know him, we are not only rewarded spiritually but we also profit while we work, create, and live in our lives. We are his workmanship producing great works. It is only when our focus is on him, that we are truly rewarded and profit. Our work is not done in vain, He rewards us everyday. I just feel like vanity and work should be our secondary goals. Our first goal should be getting to know his hands, our creator, the one is our accomplisher.

Laundry

I have piles of dirty laundry everywhere. It is covering my bed, my chest, and my floor. However, this laundry is not what is annoying me. The dirty laundry I am referring to is the lies that exist in my life. It is the secrets that I have kept from others, that have fooled myself. They are adding up, causing me to wonder when they will all be released, either on purpose or by accident. The lies, the ones I tell myself everyday, were at first believed, because I told myself it would be easier. For example, the lie of saying that my skin keeps, and scares people away, was just something I told myself to keep people at a distance so I would not be rejected like I have been before. I have told myself for as long as I can remember, that in order to feel sexy one needed to show cleavage or show off the assets. All these are lies. They are lies that I have told myself in order to keep people where I wanted them, either close or far. I have realized now that these lies are simply that lies. They only hinder me, and keep others out.

Recently, I have realized that not only must I leave these lies behind me, but I must also face the fact that not relationship will end in heartbreak. First, I need to take care of myself, and then I can learn to let people in. It is so easy to keep people at a distance, especially when one has been so hurt too many times. I also do not have to please men by showing off my assets rather be confident in who I am. Too many women have fell into that trap. I want others to see the good qualities in me, not just my physical beauty. Its a start.

What's Next???

Have you ever felt like you were just waiting for something to come to you? Feeling as if you had no idea what your next step would be?

I know today has been one of those days. I finally finished my last exam, and that concludes my first year at Brock University. It feels surreal. It feels like a weight has been lifted, and that I am free to start focusing on me again. So as I am sitting here, I am realizing that it has been about school and work for so long.. that I have forgotten how to have fun and do things I enjoy, without feeling guilty. It's like for once, I am free to do whatever I want and yet I don't even know what that is......

Everyone has responsibilities doesn't matter what roles you play. My role was a student, but now as a student I must prepare for september, when it all starts again. Everyone around me asks " what's your next move," and to be honest it seems like lately I have been asking myself the very same question. Everyone around me knows I am determined, and a hard worker, but not everyone sees the side of me that constantly is unaware of what's to come. In God's word it says do not be troubled about the future, focus on the present. I obviously paraphrasing, but the point still remains that we must not worry about the future and our next move, for the Lord orders our steps and will guide us to where we must go.

My next move.. will be to trust in the Lord to guide me, and to trust in his word. He knows where I need to be, so I must listen for his instruction. Eventually I will know where I need to be.

Until then, I think I am just going to keep on living :)

New beginnings

Its been a while since I last wrote mainly due to the fact that exams are 3 weeks away and I have been killing myself to make sure I am ready for them. However, over the past few weeks, many things have begun to change...

As in my previous blog, I noted that I may no longer be a leader in the youth ministry, and this has proven to be true. I have left the youth group to join Young Adults and I am very glad I did. There are people there that have welcomed me, and now I will be a leader in the young adults. God has opened doors in my life to see more of who he is, and to be surrounded with others who want to do the same. For this, I am truly blessed.

Secondly, I have felt in my heart that this summer I would be working with kids. Currently, I am studying to be an elementary teacher at Brock in the Concurrent Program. It has been a challenge, but overall I have decided to stick with it and keep going. I have enjoyed learning about the psychology of children for it has been a fascinating learning experience, and an eye-opener. I know that God will use my knowledge and skills to touch the hearts of many children. I will be a positive influence and mentor into their lives like mine have been for me.

Lastly, I have decided to try a health challenge to not only eat right and exercise but to also maintain good mental health. It is so easy to slack off, stress, and consequently one begins to overeat. It has been a difficult year so far with all the changes that this health challenge is just what I need to keep me on track. For being a follower of Christ and a leader requires a strong and healthy mind, body, and soul. So I challenge everyone reading this to work toward maintaining a healthy body, and mind, for the lord will work on the heart and soul.

With love,

Chantal

Being on the Outside

It can be intimidating to be different. It can feel lonely, and it can feel overwhelming. Today, I felt like I was on the outside. Even christians can leave others out. Within the youth, I feel as if somehow I am completely different, as if I don't belong. They did not talk to me or even acknowledge me. Why? Is it because I act differently? Does my maturity play a part in why I am on the outside?
I kept asking myself why am I not accepted as one of them? What I realized is that when you are a leader, you are often alone. You must set an example, and sometimes set yourself apart from others. I am different from them. I have different desires than them, and I have a deeper relationship with God than them. I feel as if I am somehow put on a pedestal. I feel as though they think that I can't understand what they are going through. Am I out of touch with the youth? I am often with kids or with adults not youth. My association with older people is definitely affecting my relationships with the youth and others my own age.
Should I leave or should I stay? Can I be a good influence to them while feeling on the outside? All I know is that Jesus was the perfect example. I know that he has a purpose for my life, but I am not certain that he still wants me to stay with the youth. I feel as if I am questioning whether or not I should remain where I am, or should I move on?
I will sleep on it, and pray about it. I have felt this pull on my heart for a while so now I just need the go ahead. For now, all I can do is wait.

Soar Like an Eagle. Avoid being chickens

I was reading Joyce Meyer's Book, Never Give Up!, and I came across a very interesting passage that I thought I would share with you. Its about how sometimes christians can be chickens. They can be afraid of what God has for them, they are afraid to be different than the crowd. When a storm comes they run and hide. Then on the opposite side, we have eagles. Eagles are courageous, strong and they are not afraid of storms. They soar alone, they are committed, and they are highly devoted. She then goes describing a story in which an eagle was raised by a farmer in a chicken yard, and one day when a storm raged the eagle boldly left the yard. The eagle soared, while the chickens hid. She explains that sometimes Christians have hearts like eagles but they are trapped in chicken yards. They know God has a purpose for them, but they don't want to face all the criticism, and soar alone.
In my own life, there have been times when I was a chicken, afraid to step out away from the crowd. I was intimidated, and I didn't feel like I could deal with the criticism I would receive. There have also been times when I have the "urge to go for it," leave the nest and branch out alone, knowing God is with me. This week has been of those weeks. God told me to leave someone behind in order to experience greatness. Of course, me being human, my first instinct was to hide. I wanted to forget about the urge to let go and move forward, because I was comfortable with where I was. However, God has shown me that sometimes we must soar alone, trust in him that he will guide us and give us the strength to move forward. Courage is not the absence of fear, rather pushing through, and forward while the fear is still present. So I exhort you, be an eagle, soar high and let God take you places that you never imagined going. We can choose to be eagles who stay grounded for it is comfortable. Or we can choose to be strong, bold and loyal eagles God has made us to be. As he thinks in his heart so is he(Proverbs 23:7), shows us we become what we think. So let's start widening our horizons, start pushing boundaries and be eagles and soar on the wings of his love, grace, and his goodness.

He is the wind beneath my wings. He gives me flight through the raging storm, and soars with me through the destruction. He rests with me through the calm. He is strength, courage, and he will help me push through. No one is like you lord. I will soar with you.

Closure

Closure. It is something we need. It is something that no one likes to talk about. It is something that is difficult to achieve. Closure is what we all need at one point or another before we can move on. How do we gain closure? How do we move on? These are questions that have bombarded me these last few days. So as I sit and write, I realize that sometimes closure is knowing the truth, what someone feels inside there heart that has not been shown or shared with anyone. Sometimes, it is just letting go of the pain, the guilt, the ifs and could have beens. Sometimes it is seeing what is difficult to see and even harder to accept as a reality.

I think of closure as an open photo album, filled with many pages of memories and images that cannot be erased. However, eventuallyI reach the last image and realize I have reached the end and therefore I must finally close it. It is bittersweet, I enjoyed the pages and remembering what had happened, the laughs, and stories hidden in every page; knowing still that the album is finished and I must move on. The good thing about photo albums is you can make many more.. Closure allows us to move forward but says goodbye to what we had.

Closure can take time to achieve. Depending on the situation, closure can be relieving or it can be admitting to a failed attempt (I.e. relationship that did not work out). Either way, closure is needed to move on. So, how do we gain it? We allow the pain and guilt to subside, and we make a conscious effort to push forward. No one said that it's easy, but it is necessary.

New found freedom

In life, we are given choices. Choices that lead to either destructive paths or paths of blessings and opportunities. During the course of life, through all of its uncertainty, there is beauty in the unknown. God has given us all blessings, and each and every day I see his love and these blessings. I have found a new freedom that I feel like was always there but I was too busy worrying to see it. All I know is that he shows me how blessed I am and how much I have been given. he continues to surprise me, and show me new greatness in myself and in others. He is the love of my life, and every day I want to get closer to him. This is only the beginning of my journey with him.

Everyday is a privilege given from him. Let's live and love according to his word and his example.