He is my saviour. He is my example. He is my one and only. Without him I would not be here today.
This week has been challenging. It has been a week where many questions were raised and no answers or direction was seen. A glimpse of hope seemed so far down the road. Feelings of failure, disappointment, despair and uncertainty left me in a dark place. I saw only the circumstances. I knew to trust the Lord, and not look at the circumstances. I was just consumed with pity, and doubt. It is easy to tell someone else to have faith and not look at the circumstance, but when it came to applying it to my own life, it was a challenge.
I currently have no job, therefore no money coming in, except for the occasional babysitting job. I have no special someone for I left him due to being unequally yoked, even though I care for him deeply. I am in a program that has tested my boundaries, questioned my values, and has caused me to completely be dependent on Jesus. I have an opa who is in a long-term care facility, who has recently just left the hospital (praise God :) ), but has been situated on a floor where the "crazies" are. All of these things have tested my patience, and have caused me to feel weary and at times stressed out, so tired of the uncertainty.
My opa is a man who was intelligent, he did crossword puzzles everyday and none of them were a challenge. He is a man who loves to work, loves my oma, and loves to give back. He is not the type of man to sit in a bed all day or walk around with "crazy" people roaming around the halls. Today, my mom and I went to visit him. He looked happy to see us for a brief moment, then the smile disappeared leaving a face I have never seen before from him. I had asked God to let his life inside me shine through, so that my opa and the other people could see light instead of darkness. I wanted my opa to be reminded that the Lord was with him. My opa seemed to be out of place, ashamed of where he lived. He ate an apple fritter on the balcony, constantly thinking he had somewhere else to be. He had no work, nowhere to be except with us. So even though he was with us, he was somewhere else entirely.
I remember when his diagnosis of Parkinson's was announced. It left me feeling angry, and confused. Why would a loving self-less man suffer from this disease? This question was pointless, but I am sure many people ask God these questions everyday why me, why her/him? However, I realized that these questions are because the world has this idea that good people don't deserve to suffer, bad people should get what's coming to them. Jesus does not condemn, he does not make good people suffer. He loves everyone the same with abundant overwhelming love and mercy. The enemy is the one that puts these lies and creates unfairness. Thank God that we as believers can turn to Jesus when we have those thoughts and rebuke them. For these questions and thoughts do not produce fruit.
I would be lying to say that I wasn't overwhelmed. I was emotional when I left that facility. I was hurt that my opa didn't want me to ever come back, because he was so ashamed that I saw him like that. I was overwhelmed with the amount of despair and chaos that consumed that third floor. These people looked like they were trapped in bodies that they wanted to escape. The beauty in the visit was seeing the result of the light of Jesus. It had some people smiling, and others were yelling at us to come closer. It was amazing to see that through the disparity that Jesus was present with us.
I am still weary and tired. I am seeking Jesus and his strength continuously. My life is his and his life is mine. We are attached and his attachment to me is the only thing that has kept me standing, and smiling through it all. Circumstances are deceiving, but they are temporary. Jesus has a plan and purpose for me and I am determined to trust that he will continue to be real in my life. The uncertainty can be like fog that covers me, but I know that Jesus will continue to reveal himself and clarity will be given.
Thank you Lord for the strength you continue to give me. Thank you for removing the dead branches that don't produce, and for giving me hope and endless love that keeps me standing through this crazy little thing called life.
- Chanti
