I took a break from writing about Guatemala for I honestly did not want to start writing 9 more days of stuff that half my journal has mostly about my experiences and intineraries in Guatemala... that's a lot of words that I just haven't seemed to get myself to talk about to anyone yet. I realize that I am a procrastinator and I am not proud of it. But through all that I am dealing with and the ache that is now like a fresh wound that is too raw to talk about, I procrastinate. I was writing about black and white lines and grey areas in my journal last night after being inspired, as an anlogy of how complicated life can be. Life is made up of grey areas and sometimes I use these grey areas to procrastinate and take my time deciding what I should or should not do and the consequences behind each possibility. Even though I had a concept I just looked at what I wrote and decided to just stop where I was just so I could procrastinate the last few lines for they were not coming like the others were. How pathetic am I?
Honestly, I just wish that I could be someone who could write exactly how I feel in such a beautiful and raw way and be able to put music to it. But I have tried and I continue to see that maybe I am just not cut out to be one of those people. Maybe through all my procrastination I see that I may never finish certain songs or poems. I may never produce an album or sing a concert. Honestly, I have tried and tried to find the right words to describe my week and my feelings but nothing seems to do it justice. So how could I expect to write a song or even lyrics when I cannot even describe how I am feeling right now. I just don't seem to have that ability like some people. So I write in my journal and keep it to myself and hope that one day I have the courage to take it to the next level.
Who knows maybe one day I will see things differently and be able to describe it as I see it and how God sees it. Who knows but until then I should work on not procrastinating and wasting time. Great... well at least I have the one who never rests with me.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Doubts and Indecision
I love him. I know and can verbally say it and not be ashamed or doubt it. Yet is that enough? It feels surreal still, him asking me if we could be something after all the time that has passed. There has to be more than love in order to make a relationship work with someone. I know this. I know that it is a two way street where both people must be on the same page and must also sacrifice somethings along the way as it progresses. It's been a while since I have been in a relationship for I never had the proper closure to move on. There was always a curiosity would he and I would get back together in the future?
It seems I am facing a crossroad in which I must decide which way I will go and with whom I will accompany along the way. Choosing means I must face the reality in which I could lose him forever this time. My heart breaks with the thought of it. I am no longer the same person I was when we first got together. We have both changed and its clear that he is willing to commit to me if I choose to be with him. He is heading in a direction that I can go if I choose to go with him but is it where I want to be? Clearly, God has a plan for my life that will not be typical I can't even say for sure that I will stay in Canada. So is it wrong to want to be cautious and not rush into a relationship when I cannot even say where I will be within the next year?
I know for a fact that there have been others that have captivated my attention even if it was just for a short while. Some fell short of my expectation but not him. He surpassed any of my expectations but there were a few things that I just wasn't prepared to deal with at 18. He is different I have never fully stopped loving him and I guess I am just contemplating whether or not that is because I was not meant to forget him and let him go fully. I know he will do everything he can to make it work as long as I share the same commitment. I don't doubt his love for me or how much he cares for me.
I doubt my own sentiments regarding our chemistry and whether or not it is enough for me to stay. I can't say our love is on fire, hot to the touch but I can say we share a deep connection that I rarely ever find with any man. I know that he is someone I have relied on in my life and I will lose a piece of me if we let each other go for good this time. There is no in between. No turning back just deciding whether or not we go forward. Does my hesitation mean this is simply foreshadowing the ending of us? My contemplation in my head stirred and stirred until now it is spiraling out of control. I must decide.
Now as I head towards 20 I see that I want different things. Intimacy is something I rarely give to anyone but God. I do not even know how to get that right since I have been done wrong in my past in that area of my life. I have not yet come full circle in which I can offer that part of myself. I know that he will certainly want intimacy who wouldn't? So I am left at am impass I do not believe I can cross.
The first time I laid eyes on him I knew things would begin with us. It took two years before a romance blossomed and grew. It lasted a few months before it fizzled due to the wrong timing. Now I face the flame again needing to decide whether or not I let the flame burn strong and see where this can take us. The alternative to blow it out and never relight it. He may not be the one for I doubt that I will satisfy his desires for I do not feel I can offer intimacy and the passion he desires as a man his age does. The gap between his own desires and mine leave me doubting if I could ever commit to him like he asks of me to. Now I stand at a crossroad sitting in the middle wishing and hoping for a clear answer from the only one that knows me better than myself. The one who orders my steps. The only one who has this situation figured out. My true and loving Heavenly Father.
It seems I am facing a crossroad in which I must decide which way I will go and with whom I will accompany along the way. Choosing means I must face the reality in which I could lose him forever this time. My heart breaks with the thought of it. I am no longer the same person I was when we first got together. We have both changed and its clear that he is willing to commit to me if I choose to be with him. He is heading in a direction that I can go if I choose to go with him but is it where I want to be? Clearly, God has a plan for my life that will not be typical I can't even say for sure that I will stay in Canada. So is it wrong to want to be cautious and not rush into a relationship when I cannot even say where I will be within the next year?
I know for a fact that there have been others that have captivated my attention even if it was just for a short while. Some fell short of my expectation but not him. He surpassed any of my expectations but there were a few things that I just wasn't prepared to deal with at 18. He is different I have never fully stopped loving him and I guess I am just contemplating whether or not that is because I was not meant to forget him and let him go fully. I know he will do everything he can to make it work as long as I share the same commitment. I don't doubt his love for me or how much he cares for me.
I doubt my own sentiments regarding our chemistry and whether or not it is enough for me to stay. I can't say our love is on fire, hot to the touch but I can say we share a deep connection that I rarely ever find with any man. I know that he is someone I have relied on in my life and I will lose a piece of me if we let each other go for good this time. There is no in between. No turning back just deciding whether or not we go forward. Does my hesitation mean this is simply foreshadowing the ending of us? My contemplation in my head stirred and stirred until now it is spiraling out of control. I must decide.
Now as I head towards 20 I see that I want different things. Intimacy is something I rarely give to anyone but God. I do not even know how to get that right since I have been done wrong in my past in that area of my life. I have not yet come full circle in which I can offer that part of myself. I know that he will certainly want intimacy who wouldn't? So I am left at am impass I do not believe I can cross.
The first time I laid eyes on him I knew things would begin with us. It took two years before a romance blossomed and grew. It lasted a few months before it fizzled due to the wrong timing. Now I face the flame again needing to decide whether or not I let the flame burn strong and see where this can take us. The alternative to blow it out and never relight it. He may not be the one for I doubt that I will satisfy his desires for I do not feel I can offer intimacy and the passion he desires as a man his age does. The gap between his own desires and mine leave me doubting if I could ever commit to him like he asks of me to. Now I stand at a crossroad sitting in the middle wishing and hoping for a clear answer from the only one that knows me better than myself. The one who orders my steps. The only one who has this situation figured out. My true and loving Heavenly Father.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Discovering my Identity Within Guatemala: Day 1
On July 15 of this year I ventured to Guatemala with a team of 5 (including myself) to grow, minister, and be living examples of Christ's love and grace. I left my family, friends, and my life here in St. Catharines to see what God had for me in Guatemala. These next few blogs just describe my journey in Guatemala, the pitfalls and amazing experiences that I was fortunate to experience due to all the sponsors and support I received. So first of all I'd like to say thank you to all of them. It is such a blessing!!! On to day 1...
I was first getting up at 4 am to leave for the airport I had a gut wrenching feeling that I would lose parts of myself and gain a new identity. Before I left, I felt as if I was at a crossroads separating living for myself and my own selfish desires or would I allow Christ to take the wheel and let my life be selfless. Everyone knows there comes a point in time where you must decide who you want to be and what you want your purpose in life to be and then walk in that. Before I left, I can honestly say I had no clue of what I wanted or who I was going to be I just knew where I was and who I was "supposed" to be. It was disheartening because I truly felt the person I was becoming was not the person I endeavored to be rather the product of living in a selfish and confused world. So I left what I knew and I am thankful for the opportunity for I found a new identity in the small and sketchy city of Chiquimulilla.
When I first arrived in Guatemala I noticed right off the bat that this would not be like home. My surroundings was an oasis as if I was completely cut off from all that I knew and I would have to be open to new insights and new living quarters and a different lifestyle than I am accustomed to at home. Fe Viva, a missions base and foundation would be my home for the next ten days. The people we all first met were the associates and directors of Fe Viva. Lars and Lyvanne were true servants of Christ leaving their life in Brtish Colombia to serve and minister to the people of Guatemala. Their daughter Meaghan was also joining their new life in Guatemala and it was clear to me that even though it was difficult to adapt, they all truly loved their new home for they had a purpose and the call of God on their lives kept them from looking back instead turning their eyes to the future and living the now.
The first thing I learned when staying at Fe Viva was not running within the base especially when it was raining. Now you would think that it is common sense, but when it is pouring rain and you see shelter ahead the first instinct is to walk as quickly as you can towards the shelter and enter quickly so you can escape the rain. Ha! I learned that the floors are very slippery when wet and its impossible to catch your fall when you are wearing flip flops so of course I fell 3 times before I realized there was no way you can escape falling if you do not take you time and just deal with getting soaked or carry an umbrella everywhere you go. Needless to say, I just learned how to deal with being soaked. The others of my team tried not to laugh but I could tell they were thinking to themselves how crazy these ten days were going to be since I wasn't exactly like them.
I also took things too literally so when Carla was saying we were going to "pick up guys" in bars I literally thought they wanted us to go to a bar and meet guys. I knew once I said it aloud that it was not what they meant. "Pick up guys" in Guatemala in their context means to pick up the alcoholics from the bar floors and bring them to House of Refuge ( Casa Refugio) in the back of the pick up truck. Whoops! O well it gave everyone a laugh and I learned it would be a lot harder to not say stupiud things then I thought it would be. NOTE: There was no driving rules other than two people in the front must have working seatbelts. So I didn't even think picking up guys meant that. However, that was quite an experience especially since these men looked and smelt like they hadn't showered for a week at least and it was clear to me that they weren't very coherent most of the time. So ministering to these drunks and alcoholics about God's grace certainly gave me perspective and I knew that they needed to hear the message of God's salvation and grace even moreso.
I asked myself two questions the entire night: Why was I here in Guatemala? What was God wishing for me to learn and see? I know the next 9 days would help me answer them.
When I got home I was soaked because of course I couldn't find my umbrella before we left so I just dealt with being soaked. Actually it was kind of refreshing after a hot sweaty day.
I was first getting up at 4 am to leave for the airport I had a gut wrenching feeling that I would lose parts of myself and gain a new identity. Before I left, I felt as if I was at a crossroads separating living for myself and my own selfish desires or would I allow Christ to take the wheel and let my life be selfless. Everyone knows there comes a point in time where you must decide who you want to be and what you want your purpose in life to be and then walk in that. Before I left, I can honestly say I had no clue of what I wanted or who I was going to be I just knew where I was and who I was "supposed" to be. It was disheartening because I truly felt the person I was becoming was not the person I endeavored to be rather the product of living in a selfish and confused world. So I left what I knew and I am thankful for the opportunity for I found a new identity in the small and sketchy city of Chiquimulilla.
When I first arrived in Guatemala I noticed right off the bat that this would not be like home. My surroundings was an oasis as if I was completely cut off from all that I knew and I would have to be open to new insights and new living quarters and a different lifestyle than I am accustomed to at home. Fe Viva, a missions base and foundation would be my home for the next ten days. The people we all first met were the associates and directors of Fe Viva. Lars and Lyvanne were true servants of Christ leaving their life in Brtish Colombia to serve and minister to the people of Guatemala. Their daughter Meaghan was also joining their new life in Guatemala and it was clear to me that even though it was difficult to adapt, they all truly loved their new home for they had a purpose and the call of God on their lives kept them from looking back instead turning their eyes to the future and living the now.
The first thing I learned when staying at Fe Viva was not running within the base especially when it was raining. Now you would think that it is common sense, but when it is pouring rain and you see shelter ahead the first instinct is to walk as quickly as you can towards the shelter and enter quickly so you can escape the rain. Ha! I learned that the floors are very slippery when wet and its impossible to catch your fall when you are wearing flip flops so of course I fell 3 times before I realized there was no way you can escape falling if you do not take you time and just deal with getting soaked or carry an umbrella everywhere you go. Needless to say, I just learned how to deal with being soaked. The others of my team tried not to laugh but I could tell they were thinking to themselves how crazy these ten days were going to be since I wasn't exactly like them.
I also took things too literally so when Carla was saying we were going to "pick up guys" in bars I literally thought they wanted us to go to a bar and meet guys. I knew once I said it aloud that it was not what they meant. "Pick up guys" in Guatemala in their context means to pick up the alcoholics from the bar floors and bring them to House of Refuge ( Casa Refugio) in the back of the pick up truck. Whoops! O well it gave everyone a laugh and I learned it would be a lot harder to not say stupiud things then I thought it would be. NOTE: There was no driving rules other than two people in the front must have working seatbelts. So I didn't even think picking up guys meant that. However, that was quite an experience especially since these men looked and smelt like they hadn't showered for a week at least and it was clear to me that they weren't very coherent most of the time. So ministering to these drunks and alcoholics about God's grace certainly gave me perspective and I knew that they needed to hear the message of God's salvation and grace even moreso.
I asked myself two questions the entire night: Why was I here in Guatemala? What was God wishing for me to learn and see? I know the next 9 days would help me answer them.
When I got home I was soaked because of course I couldn't find my umbrella before we left so I just dealt with being soaked. Actually it was kind of refreshing after a hot sweaty day.
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