I love him. I know and can verbally say it and not be ashamed or doubt it. Yet is that enough? It feels surreal still, him asking me if we could be something after all the time that has passed. There has to be more than love in order to make a relationship work with someone. I know this. I know that it is a two way street where both people must be on the same page and must also sacrifice somethings along the way as it progresses. It's been a while since I have been in a relationship for I never had the proper closure to move on. There was always a curiosity would he and I would get back together in the future?
It seems I am facing a crossroad in which I must decide which way I will go and with whom I will accompany along the way. Choosing means I must face the reality in which I could lose him forever this time. My heart breaks with the thought of it. I am no longer the same person I was when we first got together. We have both changed and its clear that he is willing to commit to me if I choose to be with him. He is heading in a direction that I can go if I choose to go with him but is it where I want to be? Clearly, God has a plan for my life that will not be typical I can't even say for sure that I will stay in Canada. So is it wrong to want to be cautious and not rush into a relationship when I cannot even say where I will be within the next year?
I know for a fact that there have been others that have captivated my attention even if it was just for a short while. Some fell short of my expectation but not him. He surpassed any of my expectations but there were a few things that I just wasn't prepared to deal with at 18. He is different I have never fully stopped loving him and I guess I am just contemplating whether or not that is because I was not meant to forget him and let him go fully. I know he will do everything he can to make it work as long as I share the same commitment. I don't doubt his love for me or how much he cares for me.
I doubt my own sentiments regarding our chemistry and whether or not it is enough for me to stay. I can't say our love is on fire, hot to the touch but I can say we share a deep connection that I rarely ever find with any man. I know that he is someone I have relied on in my life and I will lose a piece of me if we let each other go for good this time. There is no in between. No turning back just deciding whether or not we go forward. Does my hesitation mean this is simply foreshadowing the ending of us? My contemplation in my head stirred and stirred until now it is spiraling out of control. I must decide.
Now as I head towards 20 I see that I want different things. Intimacy is something I rarely give to anyone but God. I do not even know how to get that right since I have been done wrong in my past in that area of my life. I have not yet come full circle in which I can offer that part of myself. I know that he will certainly want intimacy who wouldn't? So I am left at am impass I do not believe I can cross.
The first time I laid eyes on him I knew things would begin with us. It took two years before a romance blossomed and grew. It lasted a few months before it fizzled due to the wrong timing. Now I face the flame again needing to decide whether or not I let the flame burn strong and see where this can take us. The alternative to blow it out and never relight it. He may not be the one for I doubt that I will satisfy his desires for I do not feel I can offer intimacy and the passion he desires as a man his age does. The gap between his own desires and mine leave me doubting if I could ever commit to him like he asks of me to. Now I stand at a crossroad sitting in the middle wishing and hoping for a clear answer from the only one that knows me better than myself. The one who orders my steps. The only one who has this situation figured out. My true and loving Heavenly Father.
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