If only...

He plucks my heartstrings and plays them so right.  He knows what to say when I am down. He always cares about the little things. His smile is contagious. When he is around my heart constantly palpatates. 

If only he knew what I can't say aloud.
If only he could understand why I let him go the first time.
If only he knew what happened when he left and I was left there alone in tears.

I let him go. I knew he would break my heart in time. He was and still is going to go down a different path than me. It was inevitable. It still is now. Breaking my own heart did not make it easier. Not having a solid explanation for him made me hate myself for even ending it.

I thought I let him go. It is obvious to me now that I haven't. We will not be able to stay friends and not be tempted to go further. We will crash and burn eventually. The clock is ticking....

If only he could see the attachment to him that I have developped. 
If only he knew how it pains me to think about him with anyone else.
If only he could see that I want to stay and remain with him ...
Willing to risk pain down the road, but knowing deep down that I can't. 
If only he knew that my heart is breaking with the thought of him gone for good.

I know what I should do. I know what God wants of me. But I can't help but feel as though if I let him go I will be broken all over again.

Broken. That is a strong word and I mean it when I say it. The first time I let him go my heart broke, literally had a pain for months. I remember feeling as if I made a mistake. How could I be in so much pain if this is what I need to do in order to draw closer to my saviour?

If only he loved God like I do.
If only he knew him like I do.

 What was it? What made us connect all over again causing me to go back to this place? I did this to myself. I knew he had to be left in the past. But I chose not to leave him behind. Now we both may end up broken again. I knew this would happen. I knew that I would fall hard for him. I just knew.

If only he was mean. If only he wasn't worth my love and time...

Problem is he is worth it all except he cannot complete the triangle.

He does not understand my relationship with God. He will not be able to support me on my walk with God. I know this, and yet I am still unsettled about the idea that I must be broken in order to be truly complete. Fully commited. That is what I want to be fully committed to the one who loves me unconditionally, who saves me from myself. The one who offers grace, healing, and a refreshing when needed. I am half way there. The other half is what leaves me with an ache.

If only... these words play through my head like a record that skips. Knowing that there will be a part of me erased, makes this decision even harder to make. I know that God will mould me after this...but the waiting for the pain to begin is causing me to be anxious.

I don't know when but it will be soon... I can feel it like a thunderstorm thats miles away. Eventually it will strike. This one will not blow over.

Here I am (song lyrics only)

Here I am: Chantal McDougall
November 30, 2010

Verse 1:

Here I stand
Completely in awe of you
You knew I would be here
I knew that I had to draw near

Verse 2:

You see me here in my confusion
You see what I have shed
I come into your presence
Here I am again

Verse 3

I wish to be renewed
For my mind is confused
I am weary but you are great
Here I am  

Chorus:

So here I am swallowing my pride, here at your feet
Admitting I have no clue what to do
Only you know what I need.
Only you can show me where I should be
I am blind and cannot see
Lord please bring clarity

Bridge?

My heart is lost without a map
My mind is running on overdrive
Your comfort and truth is what I long
I am weak but I know you're strong
So here I am Lord
Here I am Lord 4X

Wisdom through learned lessons

As I was reading I came across this passage:

" Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her." 

The preciousness of wisdom is personified to being more valuable that rubies, silver, and gold. All things that are temporary in nature. Wisdom is eternal and everlasting. In order to gain wisdom one must gain a deeper understanding, which comes directly from the Lord and his word. Sometimes, he uses the mistakes we made to give wisdom and correct us.  

Last night, I gained a deeper understanding into why lust is destructive. It cheats us of God's goodness and the best that he has. The desire to satisfy the flesh temporarily causes the focus to be on self and not on God. He is not glorified when man and woman satisfy themselves prematurely or in sin. Passions are easily ignited, this is usually when lust comes knocking. It is hard to avoid, and we all encounter it  at one point or another. Not all will choose to give in to it. 

I struggled all last night but with God's strength I was able to withstand temptation. I chose not to let lust have a foothold in my life. I will be honest my ex and I both struggled the whole night. I realized after further reflection that the Lord was showing me why he had given me instruction to leave my relationship with Raymond in the past, and to keep it in the past. He knew that my relationship with Ray would leave me desiring sexual intimacy, and that I would struggle to remain pure and to remain single. It was unfortunate that I ended up hurt and confused as a result of ignorance. The lesson now remains clear: Lust is destructive and it will keep me from the best that God has for me in my future. It is a sin that once let in it usually takes a lot of discipline and strength to let out again.

I continue to thank God and I am continually amazed by his unfailing love and mercy and the wisdom he continues to give, which is more precious than anything of this World.     

How did I get Back Here?

So tonight I had a date with my ex just for coffee... but of course like all coffee dates, eventually past feelings and reminders come crawling to the surface. The night goes something like this. I arrive looking beautiful, order a tea and we greet with an intimate embrace. We talk until 11:30 until the night is overfilled with great memories and good times. Non-stop laughter and great hot chocolate and tea make it easy to conversate, but one would be in denial to believe that its only coffee. Somehow coffee turned into more.

The truth is I knew before I went that it was more than coffee. I had the desire to see where it could go if anywhere. Tonight, I began to see that not only do I still have some feelings for him, but I also realize that I was a tease tonight. I showed him what he was missing, but the truth is I wanted him to see him the way he saw me before. I wanted to see him the way I saw him before the breakup.  I wanted him to see that time has healed old wounds, and that I am ready to start again. I realize that not only was I naive, but I was also temporarily distracted by lust and an intimate connection with my past. We both played with fire.

This is me being brutally honest with myself. I feel as if my heart had two desires: satisfy flesh and satisfy spirit. The problem is those two desires are separate they should not go together. In the beginning of the night my only desire was to be in God's presence and let my spirit be renewed and strengthened. By the end of the night, I feel as if my spirit was not only locked away and hidden away from sight, but that is also revealed itself through my conscience. Good ol' conscience always seems to creep up when you are enjoying sin. It definitely made me think about the way this night could end and that made me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of me hurting him was unbearable. How did I get back here? He is one guy in a million but the truth is there is something special about this one guy that I cannot let go. However, my one in a million who will be my partner through marriage, and who will be in the triangle with me and god is the one that I must stay focused on. I keep feeling as if I am making a mistake in letting him go because he is special and we have an amazing connection. Reality is there is someone else for him and I don't want to stand in their way. I must leave our relationship that we had in the past and fully move forward. I just cannot stand any more pain or the thought that I could be making it that much harder for him to do the same.

I played with fire and got brushed by the flame. How did I get back here again?

Impossible Expectations

 It is a rainy Friday afternoon... reflection always seems to come when chaos is surrounding me and the desire to withdraw from the real world is great. The rain is splashing against the windows, people are excited about the weekend and a girl is humming to herself thinking no one can hear her, but all I can do is think about what I need to do when I get home in order to feel satisfied at the end of the day. I have just received my lab marks and it is an 86.5. However, the midterm mark is right around the corner. Suddenly, I am no longer happy about the lab mark for I see a possible disappointment with my mark for the midterm. Teachers express their expectations to students all the time, but for some it is their husband or wife, it is their boss expecting near perfection ( which is near impossible to achieve on own efforts). Suddenly extremely high expectations are set into place and the overwhelming feeling of possible failure or disappointment looms for hours possibly even for days. Does this sound familiar? The worst part about these expectations is they are not your own but from someone who believes their standards are going to create success and attain satisfaction. Impossible expectations are there to encourage us to reach our potential. They seem unreachable and the truth is they are on one's own effort, but with Jesus they can be reached.


In the past, I have consistently struggled to make everyone else happy. I would put aside my own desires and do whatever I could to please everyone else. I was a people-pleaser. For years, I tried to create this perfect happy world where no one was angry with me and everyone just accepted me. I know this sounds naive, but I honestly thought it was the only way to live.  Eventually through life's struggles a realization came. I cannot make everyone happy all the time. That is not my job. The impossible expectation of trying to please my boss, my parents, my friends, and people I worked with was exhausting.  I realized all I was doing was making myself miserable. I am almost certain that everybody has attempted to please someone else and as consequence, they wound up miserable. It happens everyday in our society. The worst part is that we just accept it.


Lately, whenever I succeed there is a constant reminder of that one failure that occurred during the day, week or month. I have struggled to not let them discourage me. In Psalm 103:13 It says" As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear him. For he knows our frame; He remembers we are dust." This is so amazing to me. Not only does he forgive me for my transgressions, he understands that I am not perfect. He never wanted perfection, all he wants is for his people to trust him and fear him. He wants me to succeed, but he realizes that I will make mistakes. Otherwise there would have been no reason for him to die.


There will always be impossible expectations that will be impossible for us to attain. Hence, the word impossible. However, through Christ nothing is impossible.  He will teach us through our imperfection and celebrate with us when we are victorious. We must look to Jesus when impossible expectations are given, ones that seem too difficult for us in our own efforts. Just remember that with him potential will be reached, and eventually we will reach goals that might have seemed impossible before.
Do not look at every failure and feel ashamed or discouraged. The reality is that the Lord already knew failure was imminent, but he loves us anyways. The only expectation that matters is what Jesus expects, which is simply coming to him with everything and trust that he will give the correction and victory in the midst of a difficult battle.  So as I sit and stare out my window, I begin to see that my failures are washed away due to his loving mercy and tender grace that abounds every day.