My Aunt Shirley

Today has reminded me of how blessed I am for having my Aunt Shirley. She was my moral support today but often she does so much more. She is a best friend, a big sister to me, and someone that I can always depend on.  She has been through the rough with me and was able to help me overcome it and move forward. Today, she showed me how strong she is and how optomistic she is. I am so thankful for her heart of gold for she inspires me everyday to keep smiling no matter what is thrown my way. She is a shoulder to cry on and she always gives of herself, her time and love. She is unique and very special to me and I do not know what I would do without her. She knows how to give and support someone. I know that she will make some man very happy one day and I know that he would be lucky to have her. She is pure of heart and she has so much to offer this world. She is amazing and beautiful and I know that she is a beautiful daughter of the most High God and I believe he has amazing things in store for her. So I encourage anyone reading this to get to know her and truly see who she is inside and out. This blog I dedicate to her. I need a recent picture so if anyone has one please send it to me. Thanks:)

Who I am Now

Born human and a sinner.
Eternally righteous because of Him alone. 
Saved by Grace and covered by His blood.
Apple of His eye and more valuable than gold.
Cherished because I am His precious daughter.
Loved unconditionally and reminded of it constantly.
Blessed with all spiritual and natural blessings.
Beautiful because I was created by the most beautiful creator imaginable.

A sister in family and in spirit.
Intelligent yet continually learning and improving.


Not where I want to be but thank God I am closer to where He is taking me and where I need to be.
Broken down but I am seeking restoration from Him who heals and mends the broken hearted.
Empty but I will be filled with his living water so I will never thirst again.
Thankful that I have a Heavenly Father that will never abandon me.Forgiven for my debt has already been paid.
Humbled and completely surrendered to Jesus.

Strong because of his strength that is within me.
Healed because of the stripes that he took upon his back.
Perserverer because He is victorious and He always picks me back up.
Determined to press on and let nothing stop me from sharing the gospel.
Conqueror because of Him who won the ultimate battle.
Singer and worshipper for He is good and worthy of my praise and adoration.
Masterpiece for I was created by the magnificent artist and creator.
Captivating and far from typical for typical is so overrated.

This is who I am now. My mistakes and my past even in sum do not change the way God sees me.
He sees me as righteous no matter what I do or say. He is the one that will see me through all the confusion and misery and through all the good times. He will help me figure this all out and He is the one that I turn to when I am fallen down and I need assistance to stand. He Is and always will be the one who at the end of the day will always love and see me as forgiven and will look past my flaws and sins and will find me lovable even if I cannot see it myself. I encourage anyone who reads this to remind themselves of God's unconditional love and grace and remind yourself of all the things you are because of Him and only Him. He is worthy of our undivided attention and affection. It just took me this long to truly understand and see myself from His perspective and not from the world's perspective. He is the one that will always be there and because of his loyalty I see that am never alone and that I will always have someone to turn to. I will share this love with anyone I see for this is what people need. This is what the broken and hopeless are hungry for. They are seeking what the world cannot give. So when all else fails come as you are to the one who will never turn you away. Trust me he is the only one that never will. That is something to celebrate and be thankful for in itself. Praise God!! Amen.
 

Times

 I have much to say and I really do not like writing it all down so it is just so much easier to type it here. So here it goes...

There are many times when I am honestly just wondering what's to come next, especially when I keep getting hit with curve balls. After August ended I felt exhausted, and I continually asked myself when will it be time to rest and be able to genuinely feel happy again. There are times when we all just come to a point when we realize we need help. We cannot keep going on exhausted anymore. I have come to this point recently. I don't want to do it alone. I need Jesus and I need to reach out. There was a song I was listening to about times. Times when we are broken, times when we mend. Times when we feel like we are alone and times when all we feel is silence instead of answers. Tenth Avenue North wrote a song about times in which the lead singer talks about empty he is and how much he needs to hear God's voice and feel God's forgiveness and presence. The chorus and bridge is what God reveals to him. It is his encouragement through all the rough times. It has touched my heart and every night the words of this song has been replaying in my head. There are times when it feels that everything is chaotic but all you can hear is silence. Has anyone been here before? Recently, I have felt that God has been silent and I wondered why. This song reminds me that even though there are periods of time of silence God is still there. He never forsakes us and he is truly there in every season and in every time.

Times: Tenth Avenue North

Cannot Keep Going On Like This

This weekend has shown me where my brokenness has brought me to. I am broken. I am exhausted. This world has brought me to a dark place. My conformation brought me to a place that I never thought I would ever go. One night. That's what it took to see where I was heading and for the revelation that I needed to stop before I headed any further into more destruction. For the longest time I have tried to fill a void inside myself with everything but Jesus. Even though I am saved and I have accepted the gift of salvation that does not mean Jesus was my ONLY saviour. It wasn't until I came back from Guatemala and as I was listening to Pastor Randy's message of the woman at the well that I understood that Jesus was not my only saviour. Sure he was there and ever present but I wasn't giving him full control even though I thought I had. This revelation has shaken me in itself, but my choices over these past two weeks have shown me the evidence of my emptiness inside.

The choices I have made since I have come back from Guatemala have not been stellar. I have been lost ever since I have come back. Nothing is the same as it was before. Over in Guatemala, I had a purpose, a mission. I gave love unconditionally. I did not care about the luxuries, instead I focused on the beauty of God's grace and unconditional love. Over there I did not have the temptations of the world such as alcohol, sex/lust, relationships, and other worldly things. I was in a country that was poor and needing Jesus and what he could offer and I was humbled. I was not self-focused I was Jesus and people focused. I was so focused on the children and families. The children over there I have missed more than words can say. I feel like a part of myself wishes I could be over there with them right now. A child's innocence is precious. Innocence can be taken away too easily. Love from children, especially their hugs is something I could sure benefit from at this moment...

Being here in Canada has been a challenge. I realized that as soon as I returned the priorities of people were misplaced and disordered. My own priorities were in question and suddenly nothing seemed to matter anymore. What I wore and what I ate and drank didn't seem to matter as much in Guatemala in comparison to here. Things that I valued before I didn't seem to value as much when I got back. My heart longed for more. My soul needed a purpose and for some reason I was blind to it when I got back.

I have made more mistakes and greater mistakes that can affect the rest of my life in these past few weeks than I have in my whole life. I have never been so ashamed and lost then I am now. Numerous questions and fears have plagued my dreams and thoughts. I have never felt so confused, but this I know for sure. I cannot keep going on like this. I cannot fill the void inside me with the things of this world. A relationship will not satisfy me. The amusement of this world will not keep me from forgetting the emptiness inside, it just adds to it. I am remade because of what Jesus has done and because I accepted him as my Lord and Saviour. All of August has brought me to this one conclusion: I am empty because at one point or another I let the things of this world become my saviour instead of relying on the one and only saviour of my soul to be more than enough.  I got lazy and I got distracted. Now I am wide awake I smell the coffee and now I know that all I need is Jesus. He is truly the only one that can fill the void that has become deeper inside of me. He is the only one that I will live for. For the world needs people who are willing to be rejected and criticized in order for the message of God's acceptance and unconditional love to reach and change the lives of many who are broken as I am now. In my brokenness I see that I needed someone to be different and show me that the world's way of living is not the only way. There is a more beautiful and purposeful way of living.

I forgot it along the way. I fell away for a time and I am not even sure where I made a wrong turn, but I just went through the motions. I am just thankful that even when we fall away from the right path that God's love can still reach us and bring us back. There is no running away from His love. There is nothing that can keep you from his love. I know that now. It has been what has kept me going. I was lost but thank God I am found again. 

Unconditonal love Impossible Except Through The Selfless One

How many times have I come to my breaking point? How many times have I fallen to my knees because I just don't have the strength to stand? How many times have I loved and felt empty for the love I received didn't satisfy?

This week I am on my knees broken and weary and at complete surrender. Why? Well it's simple people disappoint. They hurt us and they wound us, some arrows striking us at our core. Sometimes we have high expectations for someone and when they fail to meet them we realize that they are human and people make mistakes. We are human but is that an excuse? Why do we accept that cop out?

 I have come to realize depending on humanity usually comes with multiple disappointments. When we put total trust in our creator, our Heavenly Father, the realization we come to is that He never disappoints and He will never wound us like others do in this lifetime. I don't know who is reading this but whoever it is I want you to know that the love of God is the only thing that satisfies. It is the only love that is not selfish and it is the only love that gives no ultimatums. Love for others in this lifetime is usually conditional, dependent upon what you give, what you say, what you sacrifice and how you behave. This love is shallow. It doesn't even come close to satisfying our soul. I have been in numerous relationships with different people from different walks of life and I can say certainly that romantic love does not satisfy the thirst in our souls. We will always feel incomplete and unsatisfied certainly longing for more. Why do think so many relationships fail? I believe a huge reason they do is because we love selfishly and we become unsatisfied of what we are receiving. As soon as we realize our unsatisfaction, we no longer desire to stay in that relationship. We long for more and then we search for someone else to give that to us. The problem is that only God's love completely satisfies and quenches our thirst. When we are satisfied with His love above all other things that is when we have healthy relationships and stop looking for someone else to complete us. The void is filled we then become focused on blessing someone else with love and affection. 

 People do not know how to give unconditional love and I am included in this. For humanity cannot comprehend how to give love without any conditions or expectations to receive in return. When we give love we want to receive love. It makes sense. When someone wounds you and causes you pain do you give unconditional love and expect nothing in return? No apology, no acceptance just giving love and not expecting that person to return the love?

Honestly, I have seen clearly that as humans we are just not capable of giving this love without the help of the only selfless one. His name is Jesus. He is the only one that showed unconditional love and publicly at that by going to the cross and sacrificing himself. Without him, we cannot give unconditional love. We try, but it is usually still with the hope of receiving it in return and we usually fail or the love we give becomes selfish over time. We want our desires to be fulfilled and we want them to be satisfied right away. We are not always patient, and we do not forgive easily especially when the other person we need to forgive has wounded us deeply and has not apologized for the wound they caused. It becomes a challenge that seems impossible, that is because we cannot do it in our own strength. So for whoever is reading this, (mostly speaking to myself) I say that we need to consciously ask our Heavenly Father and the spirit in us (our helper) to show love and give but not expect anything in return. We need to learn how to be a blessing to others and love them like Jesus does. We need to seek after Him first and foremost in order to truly understand what true love is so that we can then show the world what it is and what pure love looks like. It is a love that is not self-centered. It is a love that we must share with everyone we can, because that is the only way for people and this world to truly be changed.

I have come to the point where I see that I am incapable of loving people I am close to without wanting something in return. It is easy to love, forgive and pray for people that you have no personal ties to for you give love not expecting much of anything in return. For we are not attached quite yet. But loving someone that we have invested into can only be done through Him who showed us what true love is.

Thank God that He is capable and in your weakness his strength is made perfect in you. So I challenge all who read this to seek after Jesus first and love like Him knowing that you need his capability and grace in order to truly love like Him. He makes loving the impossible possible. Only through him can we receive and give pure and selfless love that will satisfy eternally.