This weekend has shown me where my brokenness has brought me to. I am broken. I am exhausted. This world has brought me to a dark place. My conformation brought me to a place that I never thought I would ever go. One night. That's what it took to see where I was heading and for the revelation that I needed to stop before I headed any further into more destruction. For the longest time I have tried to fill a void inside myself with everything but Jesus. Even though I am saved and I have accepted the gift of salvation that does not mean Jesus was my ONLY saviour. It wasn't until I came back from Guatemala and as I was listening to Pastor Randy's message of the woman at the well that I understood that Jesus was not my only saviour. Sure he was there and ever present but I wasn't giving him full control even though I thought I had. This revelation has shaken me in itself, but my choices over these past two weeks have shown me the evidence of my emptiness inside.
The choices I have made since I have come back from Guatemala have not been stellar. I have been lost ever since I have come back. Nothing is the same as it was before. Over in Guatemala, I had a purpose, a mission. I gave love unconditionally. I did not care about the luxuries, instead I focused on the beauty of God's grace and unconditional love. Over there I did not have the temptations of the world such as alcohol, sex/lust, relationships, and other worldly things. I was in a country that was poor and needing Jesus and what he could offer and I was humbled. I was not self-focused I was Jesus and people focused. I was so focused on the children and families. The children over there I have missed more than words can say. I feel like a part of myself wishes I could be over there with them right now. A child's innocence is precious. Innocence can be taken away too easily. Love from children, especially their hugs is something I could sure benefit from at this moment...
Being here in Canada has been a challenge. I realized that as soon as I returned the priorities of people were misplaced and disordered. My own priorities were in question and suddenly nothing seemed to matter anymore. What I wore and what I ate and drank didn't seem to matter as much in Guatemala in comparison to here. Things that I valued before I didn't seem to value as much when I got back. My heart longed for more. My soul needed a purpose and for some reason I was blind to it when I got back.
I have made more mistakes and greater mistakes that can affect the rest of my life in these past few weeks than I have in my whole life. I have never been so ashamed and lost then I am now. Numerous questions and fears have plagued my dreams and thoughts. I have never felt so confused, but this I know for sure. I cannot keep going on like this. I cannot fill the void inside me with the things of this world. A relationship will not satisfy me. The amusement of this world will not keep me from forgetting the emptiness inside, it just adds to it. I am remade because of what Jesus has done and because I accepted him as my Lord and Saviour. All of August has brought me to this one conclusion: I am empty because at one point or another I let the things of this world become my saviour instead of relying on the one and only saviour of my soul to be more than enough. I got lazy and I got distracted. Now I am wide awake I smell the coffee and now I know that all I need is Jesus. He is truly the only one that can fill the void that has become deeper inside of me. He is the only one that I will live for. For the world needs people who are willing to be rejected and criticized in order for the message of God's acceptance and unconditional love to reach and change the lives of many who are broken as I am now. In my brokenness I see that I needed someone to be different and show me that the world's way of living is not the only way. There is a more beautiful and purposeful way of living.
I forgot it along the way. I fell away for a time and I am not even sure where I made a wrong turn, but I just went through the motions. I am just thankful that even when we fall away from the right path that God's love can still reach us and bring us back. There is no running away from His love. There is nothing that can keep you from his love. I know that now. It has been what has kept me going. I was lost but thank God I am found again.
Dear Chantal, I wanted to say that I applaud you for showing all your vulnerabilities in this post. I know it must have been difficult, but it takes real courage to say what you just did. For some people it takes them a while to realize when/if they did something wrong. They are too proud, and ultimately they lose a part of themselves. What you just did here, and have been doing here, is proving that you are stronger then you seem. Keeping this post in mind, I wanted to tell you that things will get better. We all lose our paths sometimes, and it is important that you ultimately find your way back to the right path. Metaphorically speaking, you are on a trail to your life and along the way it has bumps and turns, and right now you seem to traveled off of that path. You just need to find your way back to the path that you have come to know. Whether it is to look to God, or just hope that things will get better. I know the road ahead may seem bleak right now, but I can disagree by saying that soon enough you will find your way back to the path you were once on. All you need to do is take time, and realize that you have lost your way, if only just a little bit.
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