Cleaning Out the Clutter

So we all know what time of year it is and we all know the amount of tidying up and cleaning out that needs to be done in preparation for the holidays. I am sure all you guys are busy tidying up and buying gorceries to prepare for family dinners and christmas spectacles. The Christmas clean for my family this year will take a week, because our house is currently in renovation mode. So I decided to get started and do a little tidy of my own that started with the entire kitchen, vaccuming, and my current spare room. Afterwards, I came to the conclusion that my email inbox could also need some emptying and sorting in order to prepare for the new year. So needless to say, I went through hundreds of old messages, photos, and even letters and it brought about some questions.

First, I must say that an organized email makes life a whole lot simpler. Less clutter is always good but organization makes things a lot easier to find. However, deleting certain items was not easy especially the ones of a personal nature. Who knew I would have so many letters from a few years back that still didn't have a folder or place to go. Some of them brought up happy memories for example the one of what music to listen to when you need to jump on the bed and just let yourself go and not think so hard (that came from a need to destress after a tough paper or exam). Others were more of a serious nature including proclamations of affection, or of friendship or of loss. All of the messages needed to be sorted and I was determined to do it.

It turns out I had a lot of old messages that included songs I used to replay over and over again, photos of my friends and I in high school and even some from hikes I took, and kids I lead in camp. These were amusing to go through and I realized then that some pictures were never posted because I either forgot or I procrastinated. So the good news is that the photo of me being a cheerleader for a day can be hidden away in a folder for a few more years and the photos of friends and myself being goofy can be posted in old albums or in my room. The other side to these new findings were the emotions they triggered. It is amazing how pictures can trigger emotions that you have buried and words in letters are played over and over again in your mind to the tune of the first time they were read. I remembered the first time I opened some of the messages and the reactions I had. I even remembered the song that was playing in the background when they were opened. My long term memory was being tapped into and I can say that some of the messages were too difficult to open, because I realized they would always carry certain ties to past relationships either romantic or plutonic. I began to ask myself is letting go of the reminders of what has been really necessary in order to move on or should certain things remain?

Tell me readers. What do you think?

Is it necessary to let go of the remnants of our past? If so, is there a perfect time to let them go?

All Out Of: What do we lack in Christ?

I was sitting down and eating breakfast when I looked upon my fridge at the grocery list pad. The title is All Out Of, hence the title of this blog. It made me think of what I am all out of in my life. Sometimes, there are moments when everything seems clear and bright days are a plenty. Other times there are feelings of emptiness and we feel that we lack things of significance such as hope and joy. I was reflecting on the emptiness that exists within humanity and the void that is never filled until Jesus fills it with his unconditional love and goodness. At times, I forget how much I have in the one who filled the void inside of me. I will feel like I lack if I am dependent upon my own strength and provision. I will always see myself as having little if I do not look through the eyes of faith. In Christ I have all good things. This I was reminded of as I sat down for breakfast. It never ceases to amaze me how a situation or day can seem bleak through our own eyes, and that as soon as we have eyes of faith and trust in our saviour and provider, we can truly be thankful and joyous again. A change in perspective can turn an entire day around. I found that out today.

A simple grocery list made me create a list of things I felt I lacked at this time in my life. The Lord encouraged me to instead crreate a list of what I have in Him. I encourage all of you to do the same.



Changing Old Patterns

I voyaged to Toronto for a few days to find solace and reflect. Ironic, because it is a city full of chaos and constant noise and movement. It was very difficult to find peace and quiet but it was accomplished.
When I left St.Catharines, I expected to find some identity, something to help me find my way back. I don't know, but somewhere along the way I  lost my identity of self as a single young woman. I have attempted relationships and some I truly gave everything I could to try to make it work, and some I let go due to the fact that it wasn't what I was looking for in my life. I was stuck in a pattern of not being alone and I avoided being alone whenever possible.The pattern I created for myself has been one that I recently only recognized as one that I need to break. The problem with breaking patterns is that a pattern is formed over a long period of time, and they are not easy to change. Once they have been established they are hard to break. I have been a relationship addict, and now for the first time I am single with no ties to any guys that way I can truly find identity set apart from them.

I was sitting my hotel room reading Set Apart Feminity by Leslie Ludy, which God purposely kept unread until now. It is helping me recognize my idols. Idols are things that take your affection and attention, things that we place value in that can cause us to live a shallow and non set-apart life. I realized I was placing my affection, trust, and time in things and people who could not save me or add purpose to my life. I lost intimacy with my Heavenly Father, because I became distracted by the worldly pleasures and things of little value in Heaven. I can say without a doubt that losing my connection with my first true love has caused me to seek affection and love elsewhere which hurt myself and others. Human nature is selfish and greedy. It asks for everything and gives little in comparison to what is received. I became selfish without even realizing it.

Selfishness is satisfying the flesh. Giving usually requires starving the flesh. Living a life for Christ requires starving the flesh from worldly pleasures and lusts. I have now decided that I would take some time and be single for a while. I need to go back to my true love. My saviour who saved me and gave me life and purpose. I am breaking old patterns with his help and guidance. I am going to be set apart from the world and choose instead to give everything to the one who deserves it.. This is a radical decision that I am now ready to make. These next few weeks will be difficult for I will have to starve my flesh, but it will bring me closer to the love of my life, my saviour who loves me more than anything and will help me to be the precious princess that He created me to be.

A Tie Cut

Dear guy,

Here I am spouting off all my resentment and regret wondering why it took me so long to see that I was just your marionette. You were one of the only people that I could honestly say I gave everything I could, and it still wasn't enough. You stole my dignity, my joy and my love replacing it with a void, one that goes deeper than the pit of your selfish ambition and pride.

I am sure you are ashamed so am I. We both know it wasn't supposed to be like that. We had something special. My friend's wedding day was supposed to bring us closer, to spark the flame and see if it would burn. We longed to see if there was anything to fight for and we came up short.

You turned a beautiful moment into a lustful compromise. Was it worth it? Did you find some satisfaction in taking what you wanted leaving me to drown in the aftermath? I waited too many years waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I loved you and wanted you to open up and let me in. Was it that I was living here and you further away? Did you ever want anything for us or were you merely using me until the real one came along? I know that I must accept that we are over and that what you and I did cannot be erased. For every text from you became an insult after a while, filled with a lack of empathy and shallow love yet I still held on. You became distant and left me not knowing where we stood. You would constantly say we would talk then leave me waiting to hear from you. That's cold and heartless. You knew I was waiting, questioning where you stood and why you did the things you did to me. There is a piece of me that has been chipping away due to your silence and the blame you put upon me that is not mine to solely bear.

I couldn't see who you really were underneath the religion and the facade you placated so well. It is plain as day now that you and I were never meant to fall in love, we were oil and water, coexisting but not ever going to become one.

I cannot say that I know when you stopped feeling the flame burn all I know is now that is out I am left with am even larger void left behind from the other guys like you. How I wish I would have seen what this love for you would cost me. I wish that I saw you for what you were, someone who would never treat me with the love and respect I deserved. Maybe it was because I didn't fit into the big picture. Maybe I didn't give you what you wanted and so you desired to make me suffer along with you. Whatever the reason one thing I am sure of: You and I were a possibility at one time or another, but its safe to say that after that one night the love I had for you was gone with the wind. I resent you for the lack of compassion and for the dismissal. You bluntly through back everything that happened that night in my face. As if I was the one to blame for your lack of respect towards me and your lack of self control? How does that make sense? 

Tomorrow I will be one year older and honestly one more year wiser. I have learned not to trust religious facades that worldly men put up so easily to convince yourselves and the beautiful girl that you are one to pine for. That you were our heros and we should put our trust in you. How blind I was to not see what was hidden in the depths of your heart. You talked the talk and I fell for it but actions speak louder than words and yours spoke of your disrespect and lack of love and empathy towards me. That was when I began to realize that you were not bold enough to just admit you couldn't love me the way I deserved to be loved. 

I feel used, dismissed and mostly I feel confused. Confused because I cannot see why you never gave more, never put your effort in. You let me wait and you allowed me to fall for you and then you took that for granted and took the one thing I would not freely give you.

You are the one who gave up, and who who took advantage of me. You will always be remembered as the one who lusted me but never truly showed love to me. You are the last tie to my binded heart that I am cutting loose. You will no longer be allowed to see the depths of who I am, to see all my beauty and talent that lies within me. You no longer have the power to wound me. The bond between you and I will remain cut and that is on you. Don't bother trying to fall into my good graces. I forgive you, but you and I are a tragedy and we will remain as such.

Sincerely,

The one who gave you everything to be left with nothing.


P.S  To any readers out there this is my dear guy letter. It is a letter to get rid of resentment and anger and hurt
that I have buried inside due to a guy who disrespected me and left me bruised and abandoned. It is about a guy who didn't deserve me and my recognition of the blind submission and love I gave him and the empowerment of knowing I can take my heart back and move forward. It was starting to eat away at me so I decided to write the letter so I could let it go once and for all. If he ever reads it I am sure he will know it was for him. This was just my way of getting rid of the emotions and moving onward, leaving him and the bitterness in the past.