Cry For Help

For anyone who is reading this I want you to know that if I have looked okay or seemed okay, I am not.
This is the only place where I can say what's on my mind without the looks of pity or shock looking back at me. I have done everything I know how to do and I realize I am not capable of getting myself better. I have tried but I am failing. So I give up. There is a better way and I have been avoiding it. I need to stop avoiding the pain and start dealing with it. I thought I was. But I obviously am not. So I need to surrender my pain to God and just let go of the secret and the burden I have been carrying.

Is it wrong to want to avoid pain and act fine? No for its a human thing. But I do wish I could do the right thing and have the courage to face the truth.

Days of Bliss

Have you ever just had those days of pure bliss, to the point in which you stay up longer just so it can last? 


Lately, I have had quite a few blah days in a row. So I have prayed for days of bliss, days in which I can rest and enjoy life and enjoy life's simplest moments that most people take advantage due to the hectic schedules and completing the duties of the day.  


On Sunday, I went to church and enjoyed an inspiring message and then I packed for the Sleep Cheap night in the Falls. I was so excited, because I knew it would be a day of bliss, where I could just enjoy myself and relax and let the weight on my shoulders fall off. 


Sunday night was an incredible night full of chocolate, great views and new experiences. I also was able to face my fear of heights twice in one night.  It was night that I wish I could do all over again. 


The best part was not feeling alone. It was being with a good friend who just let go with me and had a blast. It was not remembering my brokenness. I didn't feel sadness or pain I felt happy again. 


This day of bliss let me forget temporarily how much I am in pain. I didn't even know how much pain I was in until I came back from the Sleep Cheap night and felt alone and empty again.  


Sad but true.


I want more of them.  I was living and feeling alive that night and I want that again.

Why Do We Hide Our Hearts?

For the longest time, all that I could ever remember was my heart on the line then broken for another man to find. That man got more from me than the one before him, but I could never commit and give for I felt like I had nothing. I hid my heart and gave him what I could in order to not lose him for I would do anything to not feel lonely. I would end up opening myself up once I could trust him. I would fall for him and he would have pieces of me. But then the inevitable would come and he would start backing away, and I would push him out because I couldn't bear him leaving me and feeling like I can't satisfy or keep him. This pattern has been going on since a part of me was ripped away. That one person took so much of me and left me with nothing that I swore after that I would never trust one man with my heart again until God gave me the okay. 


Ever since, I have trusted no man fully with my heart except for one and now he is out of my life, because we both were miscommunicating and trying to avoid pain. I took everything I had left and gave it to him and he just couldn't see how much I wanted to be with him so he distanced himself from me and I did what I always did and I pushed him out of my life for good. Why? Because I loved him.  I knew eventually he would find out that I am wounded and would leave to spare himself pain or take my pain on. As a result of trying to protect ourselves, we both have been left with a large wound and an ache for healing that has been ongoing. 


My heart is wounded from a blow long ago that has not healed. The numerous blows that followed from lovestruck men have left my heart crying for protection and crying to be locked away. I have tried to be vulnerable and not let it be a weakness. However, through my vulnerability I have recognized a pattern that I am sure many women can relate to. Dumped, rejected or heartbroken seeking for another man to love so the pain will fade faster and so the loneliness will be temporary. Loneliness it is avoided like the plague. 


I am now going on 20 with numerous wounds from love, and I see now that one cannot truly love until one has truly healed from previous loss. That in my humble opinion is only done through the healing from The Heavenly Father. He is the only one who can restore the heart. 


I have suffered enough. I am tired of struggling with the pain of being rejected and being the rejecter. How can I be captivating and beautiful if I am constantly hiding my heart and soul from everyone? How can I truly allow myself to be loved in entirety and give myself completely to a man one day if I cannot give my entire heart to its creator?


I have struggled to find an answer of why I always fail in relationships. The answer was simple but I was blind to it. I have too many wounds that have not received healing, because I did not allow my heart time to be restored by God. Now, all I want to do is allow God to take my heart and heal, restore, and fill it with love again. I know now that I have struggled for too long all because I did not surrender. I know now what to do. Too bad it took me numerous attempts and painful break ups to see it. Time heals all wounds. We have heard that phrase over and over. I believe time is necessary to heal all wounds, because not all wounds are truly recognized and acknowledged. Some are left undealt with due to a fear of the pain that will follow. Time allows God to mend the heart and while he is reaching out it allows us to receive his love that completely satisfies. It causes us to reflect on how precious we are and to keep our heart for someone special, someone who will treat our heart with respect and will cherish it forever. I know that seems like something written out of a fairy tale, but I believe it is possible with God. He writes our love story because he is the lover of our soul afterall. :)