A Tie Cut

Dear guy,

Here I am spouting off all my resentment and regret wondering why it took me so long to see that I was just your marionette. You were one of the only people that I could honestly say I gave everything I could, and it still wasn't enough. You stole my dignity, my joy and my love replacing it with a void, one that goes deeper than the pit of your selfish ambition and pride.

I am sure you are ashamed so am I. We both know it wasn't supposed to be like that. We had something special. My friend's wedding day was supposed to bring us closer, to spark the flame and see if it would burn. We longed to see if there was anything to fight for and we came up short.

You turned a beautiful moment into a lustful compromise. Was it worth it? Did you find some satisfaction in taking what you wanted leaving me to drown in the aftermath? I waited too many years waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I loved you and wanted you to open up and let me in. Was it that I was living here and you further away? Did you ever want anything for us or were you merely using me until the real one came along? I know that I must accept that we are over and that what you and I did cannot be erased. For every text from you became an insult after a while, filled with a lack of empathy and shallow love yet I still held on. You became distant and left me not knowing where we stood. You would constantly say we would talk then leave me waiting to hear from you. That's cold and heartless. You knew I was waiting, questioning where you stood and why you did the things you did to me. There is a piece of me that has been chipping away due to your silence and the blame you put upon me that is not mine to solely bear.

I couldn't see who you really were underneath the religion and the facade you placated so well. It is plain as day now that you and I were never meant to fall in love, we were oil and water, coexisting but not ever going to become one.

I cannot say that I know when you stopped feeling the flame burn all I know is now that is out I am left with am even larger void left behind from the other guys like you. How I wish I would have seen what this love for you would cost me. I wish that I saw you for what you were, someone who would never treat me with the love and respect I deserved. Maybe it was because I didn't fit into the big picture. Maybe I didn't give you what you wanted and so you desired to make me suffer along with you. Whatever the reason one thing I am sure of: You and I were a possibility at one time or another, but its safe to say that after that one night the love I had for you was gone with the wind. I resent you for the lack of compassion and for the dismissal. You bluntly through back everything that happened that night in my face. As if I was the one to blame for your lack of respect towards me and your lack of self control? How does that make sense? 

Tomorrow I will be one year older and honestly one more year wiser. I have learned not to trust religious facades that worldly men put up so easily to convince yourselves and the beautiful girl that you are one to pine for. That you were our heros and we should put our trust in you. How blind I was to not see what was hidden in the depths of your heart. You talked the talk and I fell for it but actions speak louder than words and yours spoke of your disrespect and lack of love and empathy towards me. That was when I began to realize that you were not bold enough to just admit you couldn't love me the way I deserved to be loved. 

I feel used, dismissed and mostly I feel confused. Confused because I cannot see why you never gave more, never put your effort in. You let me wait and you allowed me to fall for you and then you took that for granted and took the one thing I would not freely give you.

You are the one who gave up, and who who took advantage of me. You will always be remembered as the one who lusted me but never truly showed love to me. You are the last tie to my binded heart that I am cutting loose. You will no longer be allowed to see the depths of who I am, to see all my beauty and talent that lies within me. You no longer have the power to wound me. The bond between you and I will remain cut and that is on you. Don't bother trying to fall into my good graces. I forgive you, but you and I are a tragedy and we will remain as such.

Sincerely,

The one who gave you everything to be left with nothing.


P.S  To any readers out there this is my dear guy letter. It is a letter to get rid of resentment and anger and hurt
that I have buried inside due to a guy who disrespected me and left me bruised and abandoned. It is about a guy who didn't deserve me and my recognition of the blind submission and love I gave him and the empowerment of knowing I can take my heart back and move forward. It was starting to eat away at me so I decided to write the letter so I could let it go once and for all. If he ever reads it I am sure he will know it was for him. This was just my way of getting rid of the emotions and moving onward, leaving him and the bitterness in the past.