I am Overcomer

This blog is vulnerable and it is in essay format for it is a project. I hope it empowers, and brings an awareness to the ongoing struggle and realities of living with mental illness. I hope this helps people to relate to other people that live with and must deal with mental illness on a day to day basis. I want people to open their minds and see that there are people who know what it's like to be bullied because of a label society put on them. Some people may be at the place of beginning this tough journey, and others may be where I am, who see the victory that can come from the hard work that is required of people who are in this battle. It is a battle that is ongoing. Thankfully, we are not alone!

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"I am not a victim. This was not my fault. He cannot hurt me anymore. He will never take anything from me again. I am more than what I struggle with. I am not a label. I have rights. I will not refuse help. I am not someone who quits. I am more than a sexual assault victim. I am a leader. I am a mentor. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am I am more than my struggles. I will forgive. I am not a victim. I am an overcomer." 

There was a time when these words above would never have been uttered out of my mouth. I would hear people say them but I would not believe they were referring to me. How could they define me? They would change their mind when they hear what I have been struggling with, what I will never forget. There was a time when I could not wake up or do any of the tasks of the day without saying over and over in my head “I cannot do this.”  Mental illness is real. The stigma is real. The hope that exists in living with mental illness is real. The purpose of this essay is to paint a picture of overcoming obstacles that come from living with mental illness, to discuss the stigma surrounding mental illness and to illustrate the need for awareness and the power that comes from it. In addition, I will show how I have risen above the stigma and what it means to me to be an overcomer. I will discuss this issue through use of my own personal narrative in hopes of illustrating the realness of the challenges that I believe I have overcome, and that other people can overcome if they have the right support and information. 

            Mental illness is a term that has personally been in the past associated with weakness, judgement, confusion, blame, and pain. It has not been a term that has brought me hope or encouragement. It took until my last year of university to come to terms with the fact that I have struggled with mental illness. It does not make me weak or diseased. It means that I have faced my problems head on and have consequently, needed time to heal and recover from my wounds trauma left behind. It was  a label to describe me that was often given by counsellors, teachers, and some students. It was my identity for a time. Now, it is a term in which I see my humanity. I see other people who suffer from mental illness as strong not weak. It takes great strength to live with mental illness and not give up and learn to cope. Some people cannot say that they have overcome mental illness, but they can say that they have learned to overcome the struggles that are associated with it. I am one of those people. I have seen personally that mental illness comes with stigma, ignorance and judgement. I will discuss now in more detail what that looked like in my journey.

In the beginning, I struggled to hold a secret inside that I believed when unearthed, it would shatter people's perspective of me. The secret was the fact that I was sexually assaulted and that I was suffering from depression (a mental illness) and from intense self-hatred as a result of the assault. I was broken. I tried tirelessly to not let anyone see it. Struggling to wake up every day and keep pushing through the day’s activities was not my only difficulty. I struggled to deal with the feeling of being weak if I sought help. What would happen if I spoke up? How would people think of me afterwards? These were just a few of the real questions that I struggled with when first approaching the struggle to seek help and speak up. The day to day realities were not as difficult to deal with in comparison to the amount of effort it took to hide and pretend that I was not struggling. To struggle is often seen as being weak. I would not let people see me as such. This was a persistent issue that resulted from the fear of being judged or being the outcast.

Most people know people who suffer from a type of mental illness. However, they do not realize the amount of stigma that is a result of admitting that you are suffering from mental illness and that you need help. People often forget the fact that people with mental illness are no different than people who are blind, who battle cancer or who have a physical illness. We all share one thing in common: We are all hurting and are in need of support and consideration. We do not need labels. The guidance counsellor in my secondary school put the label "hopeless cause" on me with my teachers and others staff and they all treated me as if I could not be successful. One teacher became the exception. He refused to see me as a hopeless cause. He looked past the label and saw me. People assumed I must cut, I must be suicidal and therefore I must be dangerous. Stigma is ignorance in action. People who are ignorant often do not realize the impact their words and/or negative attitudes can have. The one teacher out of many actually looked for a solution. He took action. He arranged to have my locker put by his office and kept a close eye on things. He helped me raise awareness of bullying in the school to the administrators and fight the stigma in the hallways one person at a time. He gave me a voice. Stigma only has power when it is given a voice. When you silence the voice, truth starts to set in and people open their minds and start to change their perspective. To overcome, one must be willing to change perspective; see the stigma as an obstacle one that can be moved. I challenged myself to fight the stigma by bringing awareness to people. It has been an ongoing process. 

Furthermore, I cannot say I have overcome everything, especially in regards to the sexual assault, however my perspective of it has changed dramatically. I no longer see myself as victim. I can sleep at night without reoccurring nightmares. I rarely experience panic attacks that stem from the memories of that night. With hard work, love and support, I have been healing and I can honestly say that it does not impact my day to day life like it used to. It will always profoundly have an impact, but it no longer is a part of my identity. It does not keep me bound. It is in the past. I experienced freedom from the blame and self-hatred. I am a voice for many who like me have been taken advantage of and left to suffer in silence. I hope my story brings hope and breaks the silence.

 In conclusion, I will say that living with mental illness and dealing with the stigma behind it has been difficult but I have made tremendous progress. With thanks to God, my family and a great support system I can proudly say that I am maintaining a balanced life with high academics, extra-curriculars, travel, and volunteer work as well as balancing mentoring and other hobbies of mine. I have overcome many obstacles but I truly hope that my narrative showcases not only strength, but also hope. There is hope in living with mental illness and overcoming struggle and looking back I can honestly say that I never thought it would be possible to come so far.  I will end with this quote, "Mental health is not a destination but a process. It's about how you drive, not where you are going (Noam Shpancer)." I have seen this to be true for it is a process to live with mental illness and overcome its obstacles but the reward of every step of victory is worth every dragging step forward.  I am an overcomer and I will continue to overcome. That is who I am now. This is my story.