Isaiah 41:10

" Fear not for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes I will help you yes I will hold you up and retain you with my right hand of righteousness and justice." Isaiah 41:10

Have you ever felt so conflicted that even the right answer didn't seem like it was going to bring a resolve to the conflict without hurting someone or yourself? Have you ever felt like no matter what you chose it wouldn't make everyone happy? Have you ever felt like you just needed to be held and just let the tears fall?

The truth is it hard to attempt to please everyone else and yourself at the same time. In fact, I am beginning to realize that it is almost impossible and very exhausting to put everyone else and their opinions/desires above your own desires and thoughts. Not to say that loving others before oneself is wrong in fact the bible says in Phillipians 2:4 " Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not (merely) his own interest but also for each for the interests of others. I was looking at this passage this morning and the keyword merely stuck out to me. It says it is important to look after oneself but it important to love others and not be selfish. Question: How do we love ourselves while maintaining a balanced love relationship with others? I think that sometimes other people's desires conflict with our own. What this creates is an impass. The feeling that no matter what we want it is not going to please everyone and then we must choose whether or not we are willing to sacrifice to satisfy the other.

 I believe everyone at one point must decide whether or not they will be radical and live their life according to what God wants. The line is drawn in the sand. Will you choose to follow the father's call, trust a father's heart and be willing to say no to other people in order to follow God's will for you own life? Are you willing to be reassured only by the Heavenly Father and not by others? Are you willing to love others while consistently trusting God and following his direction?

These are questions that I am asking myself consistently. Through this confliction that I am enduring I rest assured that my heavenly father gives me rest but he will also lead me out of the shadows and bring me clarity. He will reveal to me the answer. So all I can do is just wait upon him. To sit on his lap and let the heavenly father love me and whisper over me.

Peace by Jason Upton

This is beautiful and I have replayed it over and over. Our heavenly father speaks. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9ZaZE0B8MY

Conscious Thought

This week I pondered the importance of renewing the mind. Renewal of the mind is vital in order for the thoughts of our heart (the ones deep within us) to be of God and of life and other good things. Our thoughts can be filtered, but I won't kid myself I am not the best at filtering the negative ones out myself.
It is like a pipeline that is filled with guck ( no better word for it), but the water still manages to flow. The water may still flow but the efficiency and the purity of the flow can be in question. Or better yet its like a recylcing plant filtering the waste (due to people's laziness most likely), from the recyclable materials and sorting them all out. Our thoughts should follow the same process and renewing our minds allows that process to take effect. Thoughts can remain deep within the layers of our heart. They can plant themselves so far within that it will produce either positive or negative responses in our behaviour. Unfortunately, what can stem from that is self-pity, fear, denial, and lust.

This week I was challenged not to let my thoughts be spoken out of an emotional response. Emotions tend to make our thoughts go on a rampage, contradicting each other creating confusion and fear. Living by emotions is dangerous itself for it is easy to be led astray and choose the wrong path/choice. But what about our thoughts how do they play a role in our emotional health?

Our thoughts are the precursors to our mood. If attention is being payed to the negative thoughts then a negative mood will obviously be a result. Our thoughts, even before they leave our mouth, can pierce a heart just like a double edged sword. We tend to damage our own or another person's heart by allowing the negative thoughts to influence our emotions. Proverbs 29:11 says " A [self-confident] fool utters all his anger, but a wise man holds it back and stills it." -Amplified

Another translation is "a fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards." - KJV



It is outright exhausting to try to still anger ourselves. It seems futile and we usually end up releasing the anger out of frustration of trying to keep it in. Anger is stilled sucessfully with the help of God. Our emotions and our thoughts can be as well. We just have to choose to let the thoughts we ponder and the ones we let out be of life bringing hope, love, and joy. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. Ever hear that before? I am realizing that thoughts that will only bring destruction, should be dealt with internally by God. Thoughts that will influence change or bring understanding should be said in increments not all at once and should be thoughtfully pondered and brought before the Lord first. It is a long process and it is a conscious one but it is one that many people fail to do. 

  


 

Drawn in

For anyone who can write music here is a song that has been put on my heart for a while.
I would love to collaborate with someone on it. Let me know if you are interested.

Drawn In: Chantal McDougall
January 15, 2010

Verse 1:

Here I am humbled again
At the throne of grace
Humbled by your love for me
Drawn into your embrace

Verse 2:

You see me for who I am
My desires revealed
My sins covered by your blood
You have drawn me in

Chorus

Here I stand
Blameless and free
Seeking more of your majesty
Longing to be closer to you
Refresh me Jesus, revive me

Bridge:

Deeper is where I want to be
Deeper is where I want to be
Deeper is where I want to be
Deeper into your love where I am free

Complaining What Good Does Is It Do? Story of Inspiration

So this weekend I went to work determined to be compassionate on the phones no matter what the situation was. I prayed before I started and I asked God to send me people who needed to hear about his love for them, people who wanted hope. That he did. One stuck out however, because this call had tears coming down my cheeks. For those that know me they know it takes a lot for me to cry, so this was one of those calls that God had sent for me.

It was a woman who went through hell and back due to someone stalking her. Her friends, family and herself were threatened. Her life has been flipped upside down by one individual who has no remorse and who is still not yet caught. She had spent money on lawyers and got no results. What had me was the fact that she was so faithful to God throughout all of it. She didn't even pray for God to change the situation all she wanted was justice, and for this man to be struck by the love of God and be changed forever. Fact is that this woman had incredible amount of strength and I knew she was dependent on God. Everything around her was  falling apart but she remained faithful, and strong. She told me she used to complain to him about her situation but it was only when she stopped complaining did she find peace and restoration. Only Jesus can give the strength that woman has. She did not complain to me or what prayer for everything to stop she just wanted Jesus to show her what to do next. She was determined not to let her emotions and fear of one man keep her from what the Lord has for her. 

I have never wanted to hug anyone or bear any one's pain like I wanted to hug her and bear hers. I truly feel that the Lord used me as an intercessor (someone to bear her pain for a short while to give her a break). He put that pain on me temporarily. I was placed in her shoes. I felt her tears, I felt her chest pain, I was shown the fear that the woman had dealt with everyday. I was also shown the forgiveness she had for this man. She wanted justice but not revenge. She wanted the Lord's help to 1) remain strong   2) for the pain in her body (due to accidents the stalker caused) to go away  3) she wanted to know her next step.

This story touched my heart because I have complained over silly things these past few weeks as I am sure anyone who reads this has probably done as well. We complain about dishes not being done, house not being clean, relationships that are not perfect.. needless to say we complain. I am honestly going to have to hit myself the next time I complain.
The Lord showed me that complaining just prolongs the annoyance/suffering. He wants us to be thankful for what we do have and trust him to figure out the rest. Yes I said it.. let HIM figure it out NOT YOU. Fact is that it is human nature to complain when we do not get things we want. We also try to make it happen by either annoying someone to do what we are asking them to do or sulking until it is done. But the fact of the matter is IT DOES NOTHING but aggravate those around us and ourselves. Is it worth it??

 So I challenge you and myself as well... the next time you have a bad day or someone annoys you or makes you angry, either rant to a mirror or choose to run to God so that he may give you peace instead of complaining which just brings aggravation.  Choose to let him fix the situation instead of taking it upon yourself. When we surrender it to him that is when we begin to see progress and change.  


For all those people in relationships this is for you:
In trying to get our own way, we should remember that kisses are sweeter than whine. ~Author Unknown

Pina Colada Cheescake

Pina Colada Cheese Cake

*Recipe for those that like to be bold and try something a little more challenging.
It is worth any struggle.

1 cup fine dry cooke crumbs

1 cup flaked coconut

1/4 cup melted butter

1 can crushed pineapple in its own juice

1/4 cup light rum

1 envelope unflavoured gelatin

3 egg yolks

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup coconut milk*

1 lb cream cheese

3 egg whites

1/4 cup sugar...

 

Directions:

First mix together cookie crumbs, coconut and melted butter. Remember to reserve 1/2 cup for topping. Press remainder into bottom of 9" springform pan. Then drain pineapple, reserving 1/2 cup of juice.

 

In small saucepan, combine pineapple juice and rum; sprinkle gelatin into liquid; stir over low heat until dissolved. Remove from heat.

 

In small heavy saucepan, whisk together egg yolks 3/4 cup sugar salt and milk. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly until slighly thickened do not boil. Add gelatin mixture.

 

Beat cream cheese until smooth, and beat in gelatin mixture; stir in drained pineapple; chill until very slightly thickened, stirring once or twice. Beat egg whites to soft peaks; gradually add 1/4 cup sugar, beating constantly to stiff peaks. Fold into cream cheese mixture. Pour into prepared pan. Sprinkle reserved crumbs on top. Chill until set at least 4 hours.

 

And once all that work is done enjoy!

 

P.S This recipe is great for get togethers but not recommended for chidren. It is also a recipe that is not the simplest but it produces great results. My friend Brianne gave it to me and I am inspired to make it. Anyone want to take the challenge?

 

:)

Ashes to Beauty

 I was thinking a lot about the things lately in my own life that I have pushed aside and not dealt with, either because I wasn't ready or because I did not know how to go about it. Have you ever felt like the negative things such as bad habits in your life seem to be a result of the ashes from the past mistakes and things that have not been dealt with? Pressing forward can often be difficult when undealt issues and past emotions start resurfacing. I am talking about the things in our lives that we try to hide from others or ones that we know have not been conquered. I know my biggest one has been commitment and openness in relationships. This has affected my life in many ways and now I have finally grasped a truth that I would like to share.

 I have had a hard time being committed to people and it has been a struggle to trust others. However, lately the Lord has revealed to me his love and commitment towards me even before I was in the womb he approved me. He saved me through a very dark time in my life and he has been a constant in my life. It is amazing to me how the love of God can turn even the coldest heart, bring light to complete darkness and bring joy in despair. He has taken my ashes and in turn given me beauty. He has taken the things that at one point bound me and he has set me free from them and given me a beautiful testimony. What I love the most is something I found in Isaiah 61:1-3 is he " grants consolation and joy to those who mourn-to give them an ornament of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a heavy burdened and failing spirit... that he may be glorified. "

He takes our ashes, things of our past and uses them to bring beauty. Nothing is hidden from the Lord he will take the things undealt and help you deal with them and it will bring glory to his name. Beauty in God's eyes is in everything he has created and it is in seeing where we are now from where we have been.

Power of Our Words

Words are powerful. They can touch the core of who we are. Words that are spoken with authority can change our circumstances and our attitude dramatically. It can influence our thoughts and our perceptions of others. There are numerous amounts of words that people use everyday. Question is are the words that we speak bringing life or death? Are they showing Jesus in us or are we allowing our emotions to dictate what we say?

Letters often speak truth and words that have been unsaid for a certain amount of time. They can produce a positive or negative emotional response. They can uplift and offer encouragement and be a testimony of goodness and love. They also have the power to make our minds reflect and meditate on the things mentioned, until eventually confusion slowly enters into our hearts. What brought this topic on was a letter that I received from someone I care about. It revealed truths, hidden thoughts and emotional responses, and listed future goals in the new year. It was very difficult and emotional for me to read. It caused me to see this person differently than before. Questions like if only he said these things earlier? If only we had talked about them before making rash decisions? If only...
He voiced clearly that while we were together he saw something different inside of me. It was a testimony of God's love and passion in my own life that was passed on to this person and changed their perception of God. When he came to church with me he saw life instead of religion. He saw freedom instead of bondage. He saw love. It touched the core of me for this person's heart was revealed and for the first time I felt like I was unclear of how to respond and what to think. Has anyone been here before?

I know from experience and from my walk with Jesus that he brings peace and understanding when we need it. He shows us where we may have went wrong and offers correction. He carries us when we are weak, and in his presence there is no confusion just rest and love for all those who draw near. So when I received this letter a few tears were shed, but then I turned to my Heavenly Father and entered in and I received peace and rest. I am still unsure of tomorrow or the day after.
But thank God I need not worry for He knows my tomorrow. He provides for the birds in the sky and the lillies in the valley. He is my provider and He alread knows where I will be tomorrow.
{Reading of Matthew 6: 24-34}

The most precious thing in my opinion is that I can leave the confusion aside and have all the rest I need in him. It is hard to remember to turn to Jesus in the midst of emotional confusion and chaos. For the world says that emotions dictate where we go and what we do. However, as believers we have Christ in us that can not only calm our emotions and bring peace, but he also gives us a light unto our path which is in his word, that offers all the guidance we need. So I encourage anyone reading this including myself to look toward the book of life and draw near to Jesus in times of confusion instead of letting our emotions get the best of us.

Isaiah 45:2-5

There are times during the year when we begin to question where we are supposed to be and reflect on what we have accomplished, especially Christmas. In every season, God wants to shape us, smoothen out the rough edges, trim away the dead branches that do not produce fruit. He reveals truths and life as he goes deeper with us. When he goes deeper and cuts away the dead branches, he causes certain secrets and insecurities to be brought to the surface. He reveals to us certain things about our lives and about ourselves that he wishes to change if we are willing.         
Over the past week is his determination to restore, reveal, and transform. As we continue to seek him, his heartbeat is revealed. As we lean on him we find uncomprehensible peace and comfort in our lives. As we draw into his presence we find rest and security and riches that are more valuable than anything we will receive this Christmas.
In Isaiah 45:2-5 we see that the Lord promises that as we draw near to him and believe his word, he promises riches, and his majesty to be revealed. He says that he is the one that calls you by name, and even when you are not aware of him he still had a purpose, name, and promise for you that is eternal. We are chosen and we have power through him who prepares our way. The greatest truth in my opinion is that he " will go before us and level the mountains (to make the crooked places straight). "
That to me is beautiful. He prepares our way as we continue along the narrow path. He gives us everything we need to live a life of abundance and fulfillment. He is the one gift that all may receive through salvation. So this christmas let us remember that we have not only been given Jesus but we also have been blessed in abundance and we can walk in his promise of abundance and strength in this upcoming year. Change is inevitable but the promises of the Lord Almighty will be fulfilled. He is faithful and what he declares he will do. There is no other gifts as great at as knowing that we have eternal life, unbreakable promsies, and prosperity. No one and nothing can take that away from us.

If only...

He plucks my heartstrings and plays them so right.  He knows what to say when I am down. He always cares about the little things. His smile is contagious. When he is around my heart constantly palpatates. 

If only he knew what I can't say aloud.
If only he could understand why I let him go the first time.
If only he knew what happened when he left and I was left there alone in tears.

I let him go. I knew he would break my heart in time. He was and still is going to go down a different path than me. It was inevitable. It still is now. Breaking my own heart did not make it easier. Not having a solid explanation for him made me hate myself for even ending it.

I thought I let him go. It is obvious to me now that I haven't. We will not be able to stay friends and not be tempted to go further. We will crash and burn eventually. The clock is ticking....

If only he could see the attachment to him that I have developped. 
If only he knew how it pains me to think about him with anyone else.
If only he could see that I want to stay and remain with him ...
Willing to risk pain down the road, but knowing deep down that I can't. 
If only he knew that my heart is breaking with the thought of him gone for good.

I know what I should do. I know what God wants of me. But I can't help but feel as though if I let him go I will be broken all over again.

Broken. That is a strong word and I mean it when I say it. The first time I let him go my heart broke, literally had a pain for months. I remember feeling as if I made a mistake. How could I be in so much pain if this is what I need to do in order to draw closer to my saviour?

If only he loved God like I do.
If only he knew him like I do.

 What was it? What made us connect all over again causing me to go back to this place? I did this to myself. I knew he had to be left in the past. But I chose not to leave him behind. Now we both may end up broken again. I knew this would happen. I knew that I would fall hard for him. I just knew.

If only he was mean. If only he wasn't worth my love and time...

Problem is he is worth it all except he cannot complete the triangle.

He does not understand my relationship with God. He will not be able to support me on my walk with God. I know this, and yet I am still unsettled about the idea that I must be broken in order to be truly complete. Fully commited. That is what I want to be fully committed to the one who loves me unconditionally, who saves me from myself. The one who offers grace, healing, and a refreshing when needed. I am half way there. The other half is what leaves me with an ache.

If only... these words play through my head like a record that skips. Knowing that there will be a part of me erased, makes this decision even harder to make. I know that God will mould me after this...but the waiting for the pain to begin is causing me to be anxious.

I don't know when but it will be soon... I can feel it like a thunderstorm thats miles away. Eventually it will strike. This one will not blow over.

Here I am (song lyrics only)

Here I am: Chantal McDougall
November 30, 2010

Verse 1:

Here I stand
Completely in awe of you
You knew I would be here
I knew that I had to draw near

Verse 2:

You see me here in my confusion
You see what I have shed
I come into your presence
Here I am again

Verse 3

I wish to be renewed
For my mind is confused
I am weary but you are great
Here I am  

Chorus:

So here I am swallowing my pride, here at your feet
Admitting I have no clue what to do
Only you know what I need.
Only you can show me where I should be
I am blind and cannot see
Lord please bring clarity

Bridge?

My heart is lost without a map
My mind is running on overdrive
Your comfort and truth is what I long
I am weak but I know you're strong
So here I am Lord
Here I am Lord 4X

Wisdom through learned lessons

As I was reading I came across this passage:

" Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her." 

The preciousness of wisdom is personified to being more valuable that rubies, silver, and gold. All things that are temporary in nature. Wisdom is eternal and everlasting. In order to gain wisdom one must gain a deeper understanding, which comes directly from the Lord and his word. Sometimes, he uses the mistakes we made to give wisdom and correct us.  

Last night, I gained a deeper understanding into why lust is destructive. It cheats us of God's goodness and the best that he has. The desire to satisfy the flesh temporarily causes the focus to be on self and not on God. He is not glorified when man and woman satisfy themselves prematurely or in sin. Passions are easily ignited, this is usually when lust comes knocking. It is hard to avoid, and we all encounter it  at one point or another. Not all will choose to give in to it. 

I struggled all last night but with God's strength I was able to withstand temptation. I chose not to let lust have a foothold in my life. I will be honest my ex and I both struggled the whole night. I realized after further reflection that the Lord was showing me why he had given me instruction to leave my relationship with Raymond in the past, and to keep it in the past. He knew that my relationship with Ray would leave me desiring sexual intimacy, and that I would struggle to remain pure and to remain single. It was unfortunate that I ended up hurt and confused as a result of ignorance. The lesson now remains clear: Lust is destructive and it will keep me from the best that God has for me in my future. It is a sin that once let in it usually takes a lot of discipline and strength to let out again.

I continue to thank God and I am continually amazed by his unfailing love and mercy and the wisdom he continues to give, which is more precious than anything of this World.     

How did I get Back Here?

So tonight I had a date with my ex just for coffee... but of course like all coffee dates, eventually past feelings and reminders come crawling to the surface. The night goes something like this. I arrive looking beautiful, order a tea and we greet with an intimate embrace. We talk until 11:30 until the night is overfilled with great memories and good times. Non-stop laughter and great hot chocolate and tea make it easy to conversate, but one would be in denial to believe that its only coffee. Somehow coffee turned into more.

The truth is I knew before I went that it was more than coffee. I had the desire to see where it could go if anywhere. Tonight, I began to see that not only do I still have some feelings for him, but I also realize that I was a tease tonight. I showed him what he was missing, but the truth is I wanted him to see him the way he saw me before. I wanted to see him the way I saw him before the breakup.  I wanted him to see that time has healed old wounds, and that I am ready to start again. I realize that not only was I naive, but I was also temporarily distracted by lust and an intimate connection with my past. We both played with fire.

This is me being brutally honest with myself. I feel as if my heart had two desires: satisfy flesh and satisfy spirit. The problem is those two desires are separate they should not go together. In the beginning of the night my only desire was to be in God's presence and let my spirit be renewed and strengthened. By the end of the night, I feel as if my spirit was not only locked away and hidden away from sight, but that is also revealed itself through my conscience. Good ol' conscience always seems to creep up when you are enjoying sin. It definitely made me think about the way this night could end and that made me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of me hurting him was unbearable. How did I get back here? He is one guy in a million but the truth is there is something special about this one guy that I cannot let go. However, my one in a million who will be my partner through marriage, and who will be in the triangle with me and god is the one that I must stay focused on. I keep feeling as if I am making a mistake in letting him go because he is special and we have an amazing connection. Reality is there is someone else for him and I don't want to stand in their way. I must leave our relationship that we had in the past and fully move forward. I just cannot stand any more pain or the thought that I could be making it that much harder for him to do the same.

I played with fire and got brushed by the flame. How did I get back here again?

Impossible Expectations

 It is a rainy Friday afternoon... reflection always seems to come when chaos is surrounding me and the desire to withdraw from the real world is great. The rain is splashing against the windows, people are excited about the weekend and a girl is humming to herself thinking no one can hear her, but all I can do is think about what I need to do when I get home in order to feel satisfied at the end of the day. I have just received my lab marks and it is an 86.5. However, the midterm mark is right around the corner. Suddenly, I am no longer happy about the lab mark for I see a possible disappointment with my mark for the midterm. Teachers express their expectations to students all the time, but for some it is their husband or wife, it is their boss expecting near perfection ( which is near impossible to achieve on own efforts). Suddenly extremely high expectations are set into place and the overwhelming feeling of possible failure or disappointment looms for hours possibly even for days. Does this sound familiar? The worst part about these expectations is they are not your own but from someone who believes their standards are going to create success and attain satisfaction. Impossible expectations are there to encourage us to reach our potential. They seem unreachable and the truth is they are on one's own effort, but with Jesus they can be reached.


In the past, I have consistently struggled to make everyone else happy. I would put aside my own desires and do whatever I could to please everyone else. I was a people-pleaser. For years, I tried to create this perfect happy world where no one was angry with me and everyone just accepted me. I know this sounds naive, but I honestly thought it was the only way to live.  Eventually through life's struggles a realization came. I cannot make everyone happy all the time. That is not my job. The impossible expectation of trying to please my boss, my parents, my friends, and people I worked with was exhausting.  I realized all I was doing was making myself miserable. I am almost certain that everybody has attempted to please someone else and as consequence, they wound up miserable. It happens everyday in our society. The worst part is that we just accept it.


Lately, whenever I succeed there is a constant reminder of that one failure that occurred during the day, week or month. I have struggled to not let them discourage me. In Psalm 103:13 It says" As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear him. For he knows our frame; He remembers we are dust." This is so amazing to me. Not only does he forgive me for my transgressions, he understands that I am not perfect. He never wanted perfection, all he wants is for his people to trust him and fear him. He wants me to succeed, but he realizes that I will make mistakes. Otherwise there would have been no reason for him to die.


There will always be impossible expectations that will be impossible for us to attain. Hence, the word impossible. However, through Christ nothing is impossible.  He will teach us through our imperfection and celebrate with us when we are victorious. We must look to Jesus when impossible expectations are given, ones that seem too difficult for us in our own efforts. Just remember that with him potential will be reached, and eventually we will reach goals that might have seemed impossible before.
Do not look at every failure and feel ashamed or discouraged. The reality is that the Lord already knew failure was imminent, but he loves us anyways. The only expectation that matters is what Jesus expects, which is simply coming to him with everything and trust that he will give the correction and victory in the midst of a difficult battle.  So as I sit and stare out my window, I begin to see that my failures are washed away due to his loving mercy and tender grace that abounds every day.

Strength in times of weakness

It is incredible the amount of strength you can have through Jesus Christ when you need to be strong. It is amazing how the love of God can bring such peace in the middle of utter chaos. When my faith is shaken, he reveals his life, strength, and provision. When I am overwhelmed with despair and in a state of confusion, he shows me his promises and gives abundantly to me to fill my need. His amazing love for me, and his commitment to take care of me is overwhelming. No one on the face of this Earth can give endlessly, love unconditionally, and be wiling to take my suffering, so that I can stand strong and make it to the finish line.
He is my saviour. He is my example. He is my one and only. Without him I would not be here today.

This week has been challenging. It has been a week where many questions were raised and no answers or direction was seen. A glimpse of hope seemed so far down the road. Feelings of failure, disappointment, despair and uncertainty left me in a dark place. I saw only the circumstances. I knew to trust the Lord, and not look at the circumstances. I was just consumed with pity, and doubt. It is easy to tell someone else to have faith and not look at the circumstance, but when it came to applying it to my own life, it was a challenge.

I currently have no job, therefore no money coming in, except for the occasional babysitting job. I have no special someone for I left him due to being unequally yoked, even though I care for him deeply.  I am in a program that has tested my boundaries, questioned my values, and has caused me to completely be dependent on Jesus. I have an opa who is in a long-term care facility, who has recently just left the hospital (praise God :) ), but has been situated on a floor where the "crazies" are. All of these things have tested my patience, and have caused me to feel weary and at times stressed out, so tired of the uncertainty.

My opa is a man who was intelligent, he did crossword puzzles everyday and none of them were a challenge. He is a man who loves to work, loves my oma, and loves to give back. He is not the type of man to sit in a bed all day or walk around with  "crazy" people roaming around the halls. Today, my mom and I went to visit him. He looked happy to see us for a brief moment, then the smile disappeared leaving a face I have never seen before from him. I had asked God to let his life inside me shine through, so that my opa and the other people could see light instead of darkness. I wanted my opa to be reminded that the Lord was with him. My opa seemed to be out of place, ashamed of where he lived. He ate an apple fritter on the balcony, constantly thinking he had somewhere else to be. He had no work, nowhere to be except with us. So even though he was with us, he was somewhere else entirely.

I remember when his diagnosis of Parkinson's was announced.  It left me feeling angry, and confused. Why would a loving self-less man suffer from this disease? This question was pointless, but I am sure many people ask God these questions everyday why me, why her/him?  However, I realized that these questions are because the world has this idea that good people don't deserve to suffer, bad people should get what's coming to them. Jesus does not condemn, he does not make good people suffer. He loves everyone the same with abundant overwhelming love and mercy. The enemy is the one that puts these lies and creates unfairness. Thank God that we as believers can turn to Jesus when we have those thoughts and rebuke them. For these questions and thoughts do not produce fruit.

I would be lying to say that I wasn't overwhelmed. I was emotional when I left that facility. I was hurt that my opa didn't want me to ever come back, because he was so ashamed that I saw him like that. I was overwhelmed with the amount of despair and chaos that consumed  that third floor. These people looked like they were trapped in bodies that they wanted to escape. The beauty in the visit was seeing the result of the light of Jesus. It had some people smiling, and others were yelling at us to come closer. It was amazing to see that through the disparity that Jesus was present with us.

I am still weary and tired. I am seeking Jesus and his strength continuously. My life is his and his life is mine. We are attached and his attachment to me is the only thing that has kept me standing, and smiling through it all. Circumstances are deceiving, but they are temporary. Jesus has a plan and purpose for me and I am determined to trust that he will continue to be real in my life. The uncertainty can be like fog that covers me, but I know that Jesus will continue to reveal himself and clarity will be given.

Thank you Lord for the strength you continue to give me. Thank you for removing the dead branches that don't produce, and for giving me hope and endless love that keeps me standing through this crazy little thing called life.

- Chanti 

Thankfulness List 2010

Thanksgiving lists have been interesting to read this year, for everyone of them has been different. I thought I would do a list as a way of remembering to truly never take anything for granted. This is what I came up with:

1) My relationship with God- continuously growing and becoming stronger.
2) A beautiful sister aka Boo Boo who always cheers me up no matter my mood :)
3) A family that loves God and is always supportive of each other.
4) A bed that I can cuddle in after every long day..
5) Friends who I can always count on and who always seem to know me better than myself (Ashley, Katie, Chantelle, Danielle, Raymond, DJ,  and so many more).. THANKYOU
6) My uncle's pumpkin pie that literally makes me mmmm so loud it makes everyone laugh around me :p
7) Maya and Alyssa Blais who always run and give me a hug when they see me, always making me feel special and who make me tingle inside :)
8) Jodi, for being so loving, funny, and full of hugs and harmonies to share xoxoxo
9) Tammara, she is the one person who does more than I could ever imagine doing, but still ends up inspiring those around her (including myself) and always has time for being a mama to not only her own kids but to many kids within NCC. (Thankyou Mama T!)
10) Morning jogs because they help clear the mind and give the body a good energy boost, before a long day (except when you get locked out.. thanks a lot mom :p)
11) I am thankful for my music team who continues to grow with me, expanding the boundaries, becoming closer than ever!
12) Ashley-Rose Cliffe, she always makes sure I am ok, and always encourages me to stay true to who I am. LUV YA GURL xoxo
13) Justin B, he always seems to make me laugh and yet he continues to inspire and teach me and he even puts up with my sarcasm (probably because I have to put up with his :P )
14) Hot chocolate on a chilly day, it satisfies in more ways than one :P
15) Kids, I love having the kids from the church come up and give me a hug especially knowing that I am someone special in their lives :)
16) My education. It is amazing to me how many people from other countries, and or backgrounds, who don't have the proper education or even opportunities for a good education. I am grateful for the educational opportunities, and for the chance to succeed that I have been given.
17) Chocolate( especially Lindor), it makes life worth it some days.
18) My voice, I am so grateful for the gift of music and song that I have been given, which has helped me express, and deal with some of the harder times in my life. Now I continue to develop my gift, and worship the one who gave it to me in the first place :)
19) Being single. It is a blessing in a sense for I just have to take care of myself. I also am growing and discovering things about myself, that I would not be able to do as much with a boyfriend( will be open to having one eventually especially just not at this current moment).
20) Recorded TV- I love being able to record shows and watch them later ( it makes it easier to not fight over the tv :)
21) My cell (as ghetto as it is)its my baby I am so addicted :s
22) My Dad, he is my family but he is also someone who continues to surprise me.
23) My ipod which makes taking the bus bearable, makes sleep come easy, and makes workouts fun.
24) My opa, he has changed due to his illness but has continues to prove doctors wrong :)
25)Finally, I am thankful for Starbucks and my Aunt Shirley- who is addicted with me. It makes it easier to spill my guts, or get through a long day when I am drinking a pumpkin spiced latte or iced chai tea latte and enjoying the beautifully made lemon poppyseed cake (can anyone say amen to that? :p

So 2010 has been a great year thus far. A big thank you to everyone who has been with me through this year and has come out on top :)

Now to go enjoy the leftovers... mmmm good

Wishes

I wish he could see that I have scars and I am fragile
I wish he could see how much his hurt affects me
I wish he could feel what I feel when he uses his toungue to hurt me
I wish he would be less criticizing and more encouraging

I wish he would understand that I am unique and worth the time to invest in
I wish that he would look at me as whole instead of broken
I wish that he would just give me time and space
I wish he would realize that the Lord is working on me at his own pace

I wish he would try to make an effort to listen to my full sentences
I wish he would just accept me for who I am and not want he wishes me to be
I wish that he would accept my flaws and be patient
I wish Lord that he would just see you inside working in and through me

Conviction

A few nights ago I had a strong conviction in my spirit saying that my previous decision was not what God wants for me at this time. I had previously said yes to a man for a relationship hoping that I was following the Lord's plan, instead I find out that it was not from the Lord at all. Obviously confusion and uncertainty filled the next two days, until I made another important decision. I chose to let the man know that I jumped the gun, and that I would not be starting a relationship even though I had previously said that I would. It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make for it didn't solely involve my heart but another's as well. I know I dissappointed him and possibly even bruised his ego and spirit, but I know without a doubt that I made the right decision. So as I sit on my bed, knowing that tonight would have been our date night, I just remember the conviction I was given and that I must wait.. for it is not my time to be with someone. Let's see if I can stay true to this conviction and soar alone until its time to fly with someone else arises. Day by day is the way to go...

 

Step of Faith

Last night, I was delivered from fear and shame that have been with me for so long. I could feel a burden lifted. I remember feeling weightless, and it was a wonderful feeling. I was emptied then refilled with more love, peace, and joy; more of him literally consumes me and now I cannot contain it. I have shared with people I haven't seen in a while and with those who I love and who are a part of the church.
I have also decided to fear and seek the Lord and ask for his presence to never grow old. I have also decided to say yes and accept a partner to be my support, whom I will learn to love and whom will love and support me in return. We are both excited and slightly nervous. I am taking a step of faith and believing that God will help us grow stronger and know his love and each other more. If he is the one that the lord has chosen everything will simply fall into place when the time is right. If not, then I will lean on him for my next step. I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me this month.

Intimacy with Jesus

It has been a while since I have sat and wrote what has been on my heart. Since March, I have been reading and studying the book by Joyce Meyer called Never Give Up! It is a book that has truly inspired me to live bolder than ever before. For a while, I let fear keep me from what the Lord has for me. This week has been the beginning of a new season that I expected a lot later than the present time. The Lord's timing truly astounds me. I was only looking at my age which to me was a limitation. Praise God that he is not limited for he filled my life with a desire for more than I have ever felt possible.

Just in this past week alone, I have felt the Lord start healing the brokenness that existed from the past. He has been showing me different things that have been changing pre-existing desires and plans that I have had. On saturday, I was at Canada's Wonderland and the Wonder Jam filled of Christian bands such as Starfield and Switchfoot were playing. Two songs in particular, Reign in Us and I will go by Starfield struck something inside of me. For so long I was living my life in a chicken coop, blocked in by limitations that I put on myself. I was just satisfied with living a normal life, like everyone else. However, when those two songs were sung, it was like my soul longed for more. I screamed at the top of my lungs to the Lord to send me to the world, to use me, to remove the limitations I put on myself, and to overwhelm me in his love. I desired him to ignite passion in my soul for something greater. He not only showed me his love and grace but his compassion for the world. In the auditorium all around me, people were crying, some were fallen on their knees begging for more. Many were saved and changed forever, including myself. He showed me that I will no longer be satisfied with the typical. From that night on, I would never be the same. I had found the intimacy I was longing for.

The following day, I felt exhausted from the night before and lacked a strong voice. Ironically, I was singing in the morning. So before I got out of bed, I asked the Lord for a voice, so that I could worship him and praise him again. So when I walked on the stage, I had no doubt that I would have a voice to sing and lead others into his presence. He not only gave me a voice, but he gave me joy and energy to finish what I had started.

The same evening, a vision of an eagle soaring alone with wings outstretched, a heart that was beating fiercely, was revealed to me. Before this image, I was picturing me in a relationship and I had a desire to be with someone. It still amazes me that the Lord already knew my desires, and knew that they would change after that night. For not only did the lord empty me, there was an intensity that I have never felt before. He gave me the strength and courage to tell the guy the truth and then he helped me rest.

This intimacy I have found is nothing like what the world describes intimacy as being. It is peace that surpasses all understanding, a love that overwhelms and literally melts the soul. It is compassion, an intimate bond that cannot be shaken. I can say that I desire to only live for him, and mean it with everything within me. I want to share this love I have found with complete strangers. I have this new found faith to just step out on the stormy seas and walk straight ahead, even if I cannot see two steps in front of me. The circumstances that have stressed me are no longer a burden. Burdens have been lifted and courage of a lion has been given and I cannot say thanks enough.

I exhort whoever reading this to join me in a love revolution and to seek intimacy with him. Jesus has set a challenge to live our lives in love, to share the love we have found in him with those who need it. The lord uses anyone, of any age as long as we are available. He used a child to show me unconditional love after I felt rejection and suffered trauma. I have dedicated my life to serving Jesus and sharing his love with the world. I know many of us have committed ourselves the the Great Commission. With joy I accept the mission, and encourage all of you to not put up limitations. We all have lives that are unique and with different circumstances. Let these not keep us from sharing what we have with the world. The simple things, little acts of kindness go a long way and even children can participate. So let's make it our mission to get to know new people, to show them that they belong in the kingdom of God.

God bless,

Chantal