He plucks my heartstrings and plays them so right. He knows what to say when I am down. He always cares about the little things. His smile is contagious. When he is around my heart constantly palpatates. If only he knew what I can't say aloud.
If only he could understand why I let him go the first time.
If only he knew what happened when he left and I was left there alone in tears.
I let him go. I knew he would break my heart in time. He was and still is going to go down a different path than me. It was inevitable. It still is now. Breaking my own heart did not make it easier. Not having a solid explanation for him made me hate myself for even ending it.
I thought I let him go. It is obvious to me now that I haven't. We will not be able to stay friends and not be tempted to go further. We will crash and burn eventually. The clock is ticking....
If only he could see the attachment to him that I have developped.
If only he knew how it pains me to think about him with anyone else.
If only he could see that I want to stay and remain with him ...
Willing to risk pain down the road, but knowing deep down that I can't.
If only he knew that my heart is breaking with the thought of him gone for good.
I know what I should do. I know what God wants of me. But I can't help but feel as though if I let him go I will be broken all over again.
Broken. That is a strong word and I mean it when I say it. The first time I let him go my heart broke, literally had a pain for months. I remember feeling as if I made a mistake. How could I be in so much pain if this is what I need to do in order to draw closer to my saviour?
If only he knew him like I do.
What was it? What made us connect all over again causing me to go back to this place? I did this to myself. I knew he had to be left in the past. But I chose not to leave him behind. Now we both may end up broken again. I knew this would happen. I knew that I would fall hard for him. I just knew.
If only he was mean. If only he wasn't worth my love and time...
Problem is he is worth it all except he cannot complete the triangle.
He does not understand my relationship with God. He will not be able to support me on my walk with God. I know this, and yet I am still unsettled about the idea that I must be broken in order to be truly complete. Fully commited. That is what I want to be fully committed to the one who loves me unconditionally, who saves me from myself. The one who offers grace, healing, and a refreshing when needed. I am half way there. The other half is what leaves me with an ache.
If only... these words play through my head like a record that skips. Knowing that there will be a part of me erased, makes this decision even harder to make. I know that God will mould me after this...but the waiting for the pain to begin is causing me to be anxious.
I don't know when but it will be soon... I can feel it like a thunderstorm thats miles away. Eventually it will strike. This one will not blow over.
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