So tonight I had a date with my ex just for coffee... but of course like all coffee dates, eventually past feelings and reminders come crawling to the surface. The night goes something like this. I arrive looking beautiful, order a tea and we greet with an intimate embrace. We talk until 11:30 until the night is overfilled with great memories and good times. Non-stop laughter and great hot chocolate and tea make it easy to conversate, but one would be in denial to believe that its only coffee. Somehow coffee turned into more.
The truth is I knew before I went that it was more than coffee. I had the desire to see where it could go if anywhere. Tonight, I began to see that not only do I still have some feelings for him, but I also realize that I was a tease tonight. I showed him what he was missing, but the truth is I wanted him to see him the way he saw me before. I wanted to see him the way I saw him before the breakup. I wanted him to see that time has healed old wounds, and that I am ready to start again. I realize that not only was I naive, but I was also temporarily distracted by lust and an intimate connection with my past. We both played with fire.
This is me being brutally honest with myself. I feel as if my heart had two desires: satisfy flesh and satisfy spirit. The problem is those two desires are separate they should not go together. In the beginning of the night my only desire was to be in God's presence and let my spirit be renewed and strengthened. By the end of the night, I feel as if my spirit was not only locked away and hidden away from sight, but that is also revealed itself through my conscience. Good ol' conscience always seems to creep up when you are enjoying sin. It definitely made me think about the way this night could end and that made me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of me hurting him was unbearable. How did I get back here? He is one guy in a million but the truth is there is something special about this one guy that I cannot let go. However, my one in a million who will be my partner through marriage, and who will be in the triangle with me and god is the one that I must stay focused on. I keep feeling as if I am making a mistake in letting him go because he is special and we have an amazing connection. Reality is there is someone else for him and I don't want to stand in their way. I must leave our relationship that we had in the past and fully move forward. I just cannot stand any more pain or the thought that I could be making it that much harder for him to do the same.
I played with fire and got brushed by the flame. How did I get back here again?
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