Today in church a beautiful woman, whom I have never met before, approached me and asked,
"When do you leave for Guatemala?" I replied, " Less than two weeks."
She of course then asked "How old are you?" I replied "Nineteen going on twenty this december."
Then the big question, "So how then will this affect your life?"
That one got me for some reason. Of course I am excited to go and I know this will be life-changing, and I could sure use a getaway with God and some close friends, but how would this missions trip to Guatemala affect my life...
My only response at the time,"Hmm I guess this for me is one of life's many turning points for me," was my reply.
I am looking back to that simple conversation with a woman I only know by face, and I swear she barely knew me at all, just drumming up some conversation by the coffee bar. I felt in my heart that she was asking a question to bring my focus back onto why God is sending me to Guatemala in the first place.
I had not planned to go on any mission trip, and when I hear that there was a mission trip to Guatemala I simply shrugged it off. Surely this was not the right time financially.
However, God had other plans for on a wednesday night prayer service he opened my eyes to see that financial restraints could not keep me from Guatemala for God would make a way. It is his purpose for me in this season of my life. He made a way. I have now more financial prosperity that I could have ever dreamed of or expected. People have given so generously and blessed me. People I barely knew poured out their love and encouragement and have given more than I expected to recieve from them. It goes to show that when God says he will make a way, he gives tenfold over and he does it in ways that we don't always expect. It is not just words heard now I truly believe He is my provider. However, I had to do my part and send out letters and ask for support. Then he took care of the rest. They gave to me out of a grateful heart. For some, all it took was my excitement and gratefulness to have the opportunity to go, that they wanted to support me. I call to remembrance one time specifically receiving a check in the mail from someone I have barely spoken to in months. I know that God opened his heart. So all this to say, I have been tremendously blessed with people who love and support me and just want to fellowship with me and truly see what God is doing through me.
So now back to why I am going. It is simply because I need to go. I have been exhausted lately and I was telling Mark at church that I could sure use some healing and rejuvenation, and what better way then to minister to people God's love and healing power. Seeing others receive will in turn cause me to receive. Being a blessing to others is a blessing to self. The work that my team and I will be doing will be bringing the love of Jesus to people and sharing our hearts and passion for God with them in hopes of them receiving Jesus as their Lord and saviour. So I am going not for a vacation from reality, rather to step into others' reality and meet them where they are at with the love of God and the truth that He sets the captives free, gives strength to the weary, and healing to the brokenhearted. It will truly be a monumental experience. I am excited to see what God will do through me and to me.
Thank you to all those who supported me and the team. I am truly blessed by knowing all of you and I cannot wait to share and fellowship with you soon.
Love,
Chantal
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Expectations Self VS.Others
Have you ever felt like there were certain expectations that were non-negotiable and others that continuously transform depending on the season of life you are in?
Expectations come in the package of responsibility in life. They can challenge us and cause us to question who we are at times and who we wish to be. Expectations have a knack for making ourselves honest and for bringing out the best and revealing the worst in ourselves. It causes us to look deeper into our character and to force ourselves to push ourselves even harder than we are at that moment challenging our character and our teachability. Expectations are a vital part of life without them we would all be lazy and we would not be achieving what God has for us.
Self expectations are those that we put upon ourselves in order to reach goals and continually transform into a "better" person, someone who is stronger and more successful. These expectations are ones we believe we can achieve. We put "limits" on ourselves and expect ourselves to achieve a certain amount of success and reach the goals we set. Due to the fact that we are biased, we limit ourselves without even being aware of it by having the same expectations as others have for themselves especially family for it is what we are comfortable with and it is what we know. We also limit ourselves when we are too realistic for we lack the perspective of the full picture. We just see what we know right now. Others see our potential. They see who we could be if we just worked hard and pushed for more.
We all have expectations for ourselves that are non-negotaible like showering regularly, having a job or income, respect for self and others, and following the rules and working hard to accomplish tasks or goals. Others also have expectations for our work ethic, self-discipline, character, goals and future aspirations. It seems that when people care about you they want to invest all their opinions of who you should be and what you should be doing for they believe they know how it is done. I am not saying that is right or wrong you can be the judge of that. However, I am saying that people do expect that when they invest into you that you will take what they are saying and apply it to your life. The issue is we do not always agree to what others say about how we should live OUR lives. So what to do?
We all clearly have different definitions of what success is in our lives and what will bring happiness and satisfaction to us. We all continue to set goals for ourselves, and do whatever we can to feel satisfied at the end of the day. What do we do when we feel satisfied with where we are but others see differently? Do we challenge oursleves and push ourselves to the limit and try to achieve more to see because they could be right? Or do we think on it and come back to it later when we are more prepared to change and face that expectation?
I struggle with pushing myself according to others expectations for sometimes my expectationsof myself don't line up with the expectations of others. Does that make my expectations for myself at this time any less significant? I believe that we set the standards for our life and we can depend on God's standards for his are the only ones that matter in the end. We can choose to live according to the Word of God and the standards that God has for us and trust him to help us meet the expectations of life or we can go it alone and struggle with failure after failure and achieving less than what he wants for us. To be honest its a no brainer but when it actually comes to doing it sometimes we'd rather just wait for a better time to change and face the next challenge at a later date. Does pressure from others really inspire us to change? Or is it our self expectations and expectations of others meeting at a compromise?
What are your thoughts? I would love to hear them.
"Your expectations opens or closes the doors of your supply, If you expect grand things, and work honestly for them, they will come to you, your supply will correspond with your expectation." - Marden, Orison Swett
Read more: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/13271/#ixzz1PJWW7iWw
on Quotations Book.
Expectations come in the package of responsibility in life. They can challenge us and cause us to question who we are at times and who we wish to be. Expectations have a knack for making ourselves honest and for bringing out the best and revealing the worst in ourselves. It causes us to look deeper into our character and to force ourselves to push ourselves even harder than we are at that moment challenging our character and our teachability. Expectations are a vital part of life without them we would all be lazy and we would not be achieving what God has for us.
Self expectations are those that we put upon ourselves in order to reach goals and continually transform into a "better" person, someone who is stronger and more successful. These expectations are ones we believe we can achieve. We put "limits" on ourselves and expect ourselves to achieve a certain amount of success and reach the goals we set. Due to the fact that we are biased, we limit ourselves without even being aware of it by having the same expectations as others have for themselves especially family for it is what we are comfortable with and it is what we know. We also limit ourselves when we are too realistic for we lack the perspective of the full picture. We just see what we know right now. Others see our potential. They see who we could be if we just worked hard and pushed for more.
We all have expectations for ourselves that are non-negotaible like showering regularly, having a job or income, respect for self and others, and following the rules and working hard to accomplish tasks or goals. Others also have expectations for our work ethic, self-discipline, character, goals and future aspirations. It seems that when people care about you they want to invest all their opinions of who you should be and what you should be doing for they believe they know how it is done. I am not saying that is right or wrong you can be the judge of that. However, I am saying that people do expect that when they invest into you that you will take what they are saying and apply it to your life. The issue is we do not always agree to what others say about how we should live OUR lives. So what to do?
We all clearly have different definitions of what success is in our lives and what will bring happiness and satisfaction to us. We all continue to set goals for ourselves, and do whatever we can to feel satisfied at the end of the day. What do we do when we feel satisfied with where we are but others see differently? Do we challenge oursleves and push ourselves to the limit and try to achieve more to see because they could be right? Or do we think on it and come back to it later when we are more prepared to change and face that expectation?
I struggle with pushing myself according to others expectations for sometimes my expectationsof myself don't line up with the expectations of others. Does that make my expectations for myself at this time any less significant? I believe that we set the standards for our life and we can depend on God's standards for his are the only ones that matter in the end. We can choose to live according to the Word of God and the standards that God has for us and trust him to help us meet the expectations of life or we can go it alone and struggle with failure after failure and achieving less than what he wants for us. To be honest its a no brainer but when it actually comes to doing it sometimes we'd rather just wait for a better time to change and face the next challenge at a later date. Does pressure from others really inspire us to change? Or is it our self expectations and expectations of others meeting at a compromise?
What are your thoughts? I would love to hear them.
"Your expectations opens or closes the doors of your supply, If you expect grand things, and work honestly for them, they will come to you, your supply will correspond with your expectation." - Marden, Orison Swett
Read more: http://quotationsbook.com/quote/13271/#ixzz1PJWW7iWw
on Quotations Book.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Two Too Many
Two Too Many
Chantal McDougallMay 28, 2011 1:00 am
Too many times rejected.
Too many times mistreated.
Too many times left with a purple bruise.
To many times hiding from the abuse.
Too many times I waited.
Too many times I lay wasted.
Too many times criticized.
Too many times pushed aside.
Too many times having to prove myself.
Too many mocking glances shaken off.
Too many lies and stabs taken tearing me apart.
Too many times wishing for a brand new start.
Too many silent tears from their mockery have fallen.
Too many words left in silence as He was calling.
Too many promises unkept.
Too many nights unslept.
Too many blows to bear.
Too many people who did not care.
Too many silent prayers in the stalls.
Too many left up concrete walls.
Two too many...
This is the real deal.
Every wound I feel.
No longer victim of my past.
His jugement of me already passed.
God's acceptance is all I need.
No longer humiliated.
Have already been freed.
Last thing you want to do is leave a scar.
I have many. I show them to you.Encouraging anyone who bears them too.
God loves your every bruise and scar.
So forgive your offenders and mockers and love who you are.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Praising God Through The Pain
I have contemplated whether or not I would publish this one. Parts of this blog was written after weeks of heartache and disarray. I have decided to share it for it shows vulnerability and I am sure you all can relate. Just a note: You might want to make a tea or coffee it isn't a brief blog this time. I hope you are encouraged as I have been.
It has been a difficult month filled with disappointments, trials, temptations, and questions that left me questioning where I was heading, and what would occur next. I have a track near my parent's place where I go sometimes to be alone with God. This is the place where I met my Heavenly Father’s love and began to realize a very important concept: praising God through the pain. That rainy Sunday afternoon, I ran the track over and over again with a wounded heart and more confusion and pain than I could individually handle. Circumstances overwhelmed me. Tears flew down my face and my heart was beating irregularly. Previous to that, in church I had fallen and could not get up due to spasms in my lower back that caused me extreme pain. It was caused by the anxiety from an incident that happened earlier, and a few following that overwhelmed me. This to say, I was not in the place where praise was coming out of my mouth. I was more like words of anger and of confusion. Why did this have to happen in a day that started with pure joy? What do I do now? God, why couldn’t you have stopped it?
Any of these questions sound familiar to you?
I was at a loss for words and my joy seemed to have taken a hike. I was forced to deal with my wounded heart. Luckily, a father's love stretched down to me, while the rain literally soaked my head. He kept me on my feet and it truly felt as if he was grieving with me. My flesh was mourning a loss and disappointment and my spirit was quiet. It waited.
Sometimes when we are in an emotional state, our voice becomes silent. It cannot express what is happening on the inside. The flesh continues to moan and groan and continues pondering questions maintaining the emotions of distress. It cries, kicks, screams, or anything to relieve itself of the heart ache caused by the anger/disappointment or the pain. This is when the true test comes will we listen to what God is speaking to us or will we let our emotions keep us from offering our brokenness and weariness to our Heavenly Father. It is not easy admitting to a wounded heart and to allow God to bring healing for we must let go of our need for pity and accept true comfort that no other can give. This is my greatest weakness to accept help from another.
In Psalms 69, David is in a state of distress.. It is described in verses 1-3:
"Save me O God for the waters have come up to my neck...I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, where the floods overwhelm me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail with waiting for my God."
That to me sounds like a cry for help, a signal of distress was sent [a 911 call so to speak] to the Almighty God to help rescue him. In the same chapter in verse 20, David expresses his state of distress: " Insults and reproach have broken my heart; I am full of heaviness and I am distressingly sick. I looked for pity, but there was none, and comforters, but I found none."
This is what is important to see. Later he goes on to say in verse 30:
" I will praise the name of God with a song and will magnify Him with thanksgiving."
I asked God how David could praise God when he was in anguish. Here is a man who loves you, who is clearly distressed and broken proclaiming that he will praise your name and thank you with a song? This got the wheels in my head turning. When I am distressed or suffering from a wounded heart, the last thing I want to do is thank God. I do not want to praise him. I will worship him, but silently. I will keep to myself until the pain either fades, or becomes too much of a burden to bear alone. Then I usually will pray for strength. It bothered me and made me uneasy to see that I become silent when I lose my joy. So I prayed about it. This is the new revelation that has changed my life.
Psalm 69:32 " The humble shall see it and be glad; you who seek God, inquiring for and requiring Him [as your first need], let your hearts revive and live!" When we praise God in times of weariness and when we are wounded, we place him first. We place our focus not on the circumstances, but on our faithful God. We see his strength. We see his track record. It becomes no longer about our wound, rather on how our God is healer and worthy of praise. Our hearts will revive and others will see the faithfulness of our God as we proclaim it.
Healing flows in through praise and worship. Praise, however is different than worship. Praise is exalting God, acknowledging all the things he has done in our past by bringing hearts full of thanksgiving to Him. It becomes more about how faithful He is and less about why the situation occurred the way it did. It is sacrificing our own pride, acknowledging that we are nothing without him. In times of distress, it is vital to praise God for he will not only bring healing, but he will also remind us of his greatness and faithfulness. Our joy then returns. The flesh will keep silent or will complain if we allow the brokeness to dwell in our hearts. Allowing our voices to be raised to glorify God silences the enemy. It places the focus on God and not on our failings or the disappointments and the enemy loses its foothold. Our spiritman awakens when we praise God and our flesh is silenced.
In Psalm 71 verses 14 and 15, David explains perfectly why praising God is necessary.
"But I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more. My mouth shall tell of your righteous acts and of Your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is more than I know."
This to me is simply beautiful and extremely important to remember. Even though there will be times of uncertainty and pain and distress, we can trust that God will prove faithful. We do not have to know the plan, because our God has a track record of being faithful time and time again.
I encourage you all who are reading this and who made it to the end of this page to praise God daily and remind yourself of the provision he has already provided and how faithful our God truly is. Remember he will continue to be faithful in every season, in every way. Healing comes through offering praise and our joy is restored and the heart is revived as a result.
Psalm 107 is another great scripture that encourages praise for our God is definitely deserving.
Casting Crowns: Praise you In the Storm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
It has been a difficult month filled with disappointments, trials, temptations, and questions that left me questioning where I was heading, and what would occur next. I have a track near my parent's place where I go sometimes to be alone with God. This is the place where I met my Heavenly Father’s love and began to realize a very important concept: praising God through the pain. That rainy Sunday afternoon, I ran the track over and over again with a wounded heart and more confusion and pain than I could individually handle. Circumstances overwhelmed me. Tears flew down my face and my heart was beating irregularly. Previous to that, in church I had fallen and could not get up due to spasms in my lower back that caused me extreme pain. It was caused by the anxiety from an incident that happened earlier, and a few following that overwhelmed me. This to say, I was not in the place where praise was coming out of my mouth. I was more like words of anger and of confusion. Why did this have to happen in a day that started with pure joy? What do I do now? God, why couldn’t you have stopped it?
Any of these questions sound familiar to you?
I was at a loss for words and my joy seemed to have taken a hike. I was forced to deal with my wounded heart. Luckily, a father's love stretched down to me, while the rain literally soaked my head. He kept me on my feet and it truly felt as if he was grieving with me. My flesh was mourning a loss and disappointment and my spirit was quiet. It waited.
Sometimes when we are in an emotional state, our voice becomes silent. It cannot express what is happening on the inside. The flesh continues to moan and groan and continues pondering questions maintaining the emotions of distress. It cries, kicks, screams, or anything to relieve itself of the heart ache caused by the anger/disappointment or the pain. This is when the true test comes will we listen to what God is speaking to us or will we let our emotions keep us from offering our brokenness and weariness to our Heavenly Father. It is not easy admitting to a wounded heart and to allow God to bring healing for we must let go of our need for pity and accept true comfort that no other can give. This is my greatest weakness to accept help from another.
In Psalms 69, David is in a state of distress.. It is described in verses 1-3:
"Save me O God for the waters have come up to my neck...I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, where the floods overwhelm me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail with waiting for my God."
That to me sounds like a cry for help, a signal of distress was sent [a 911 call so to speak] to the Almighty God to help rescue him. In the same chapter in verse 20, David expresses his state of distress: " Insults and reproach have broken my heart; I am full of heaviness and I am distressingly sick. I looked for pity, but there was none, and comforters, but I found none."
This is what is important to see. Later he goes on to say in verse 30:
" I will praise the name of God with a song and will magnify Him with thanksgiving."
I asked God how David could praise God when he was in anguish. Here is a man who loves you, who is clearly distressed and broken proclaiming that he will praise your name and thank you with a song? This got the wheels in my head turning. When I am distressed or suffering from a wounded heart, the last thing I want to do is thank God. I do not want to praise him. I will worship him, but silently. I will keep to myself until the pain either fades, or becomes too much of a burden to bear alone. Then I usually will pray for strength. It bothered me and made me uneasy to see that I become silent when I lose my joy. So I prayed about it. This is the new revelation that has changed my life.
Psalm 69:32 " The humble shall see it and be glad; you who seek God, inquiring for and requiring Him [as your first need], let your hearts revive and live!" When we praise God in times of weariness and when we are wounded, we place him first. We place our focus not on the circumstances, but on our faithful God. We see his strength. We see his track record. It becomes no longer about our wound, rather on how our God is healer and worthy of praise. Our hearts will revive and others will see the faithfulness of our God as we proclaim it.
Healing flows in through praise and worship. Praise, however is different than worship. Praise is exalting God, acknowledging all the things he has done in our past by bringing hearts full of thanksgiving to Him. It becomes more about how faithful He is and less about why the situation occurred the way it did. It is sacrificing our own pride, acknowledging that we are nothing without him. In times of distress, it is vital to praise God for he will not only bring healing, but he will also remind us of his greatness and faithfulness. Our joy then returns. The flesh will keep silent or will complain if we allow the brokeness to dwell in our hearts. Allowing our voices to be raised to glorify God silences the enemy. It places the focus on God and not on our failings or the disappointments and the enemy loses its foothold. Our spiritman awakens when we praise God and our flesh is silenced.
In Psalm 71 verses 14 and 15, David explains perfectly why praising God is necessary.
"But I will hope continually, and will praise You yet more and more. My mouth shall tell of your righteous acts and of Your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is more than I know."
This to me is simply beautiful and extremely important to remember. Even though there will be times of uncertainty and pain and distress, we can trust that God will prove faithful. We do not have to know the plan, because our God has a track record of being faithful time and time again.
I encourage you all who are reading this and who made it to the end of this page to praise God daily and remind yourself of the provision he has already provided and how faithful our God truly is. Remember he will continue to be faithful in every season, in every way. Healing comes through offering praise and our joy is restored and the heart is revived as a result.
Psalm 107 is another great scripture that encourages praise for our God is definitely deserving.
Casting Crowns: Praise you In the Storm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
Monday, March 14, 2011
Reflection in A Time of Transition
I was reflecting on my week so far. Sometimes when I reflect I look back at things I have written in the past. I believe that God wanted me to see this one tonight. He is so amazing! Even know there is a transition occuring I am truly ready to soar and free fall. I tend to overthink things and I tend to keep my heart closed but my heavenly father's love has brought the brokeness to the surface and he has taken it from me and replaced it with a beauty that I honestly cannot describe. I don't know where God wants to take me
but I am excited to find out. No road is without bumps and cracks that can trip you. However, I know that my God is ready to take my hand when I fall and he will help me back up. So this is my life through a bird's eye view just excited to see where it all will lead and know he will be me through it all.
Bird’s Eye View
Aug.4, 2010
I choose freedom
I choose to be equipped
Ready to trust and become
My wings shall not be clipped
I choose to soar high into the storm
Depending on the wind beneath
Ready with outstretched wings to fly
Explore the vast unknown
I choose to not be idle
Instead I choose to be alive
Grow, love and prosper
For this life is mine
I will choose courage
I will see past the thunder
Past the mountain tops
Into the world beyond
I choose boldness
I choose to soar high
Fear shall not keep me
From my God given destiny
Friday, February 25, 2011
Submission
Women have fought hard for independence, for the right to their own opinions, to have freedom to work and not depend on men solely for support and for provision . Women are strong-willed, they have been given a spirit of determination and unimaginable strength. They are given skills that compensate for the skills that men lack. Women are multi-taskers, intelligent for the most part, passionate, and they enjoy having the freedom to succeed and make a change. Nowadays, women do not enjoy being submissive.
Submission defined by yourdictionary.com has a definition that I believes sums up submission it its entirety. It is defined:
"the act of submitting, yielding, or surrendering. It is also defined as " the quality of condition of being submissive; obedience, meekness and resignation. It is the act of submitting to another for decision, consideration etc. "
I have always wondered what it truly meant to submit. Would I lose myself if I sumbitted to another? What would freedom would I have if I submit? These questions have been running through my head over and over. At the same time, I kept saying I am not sure if I am able to submit anyways....
An important revelation I had this morning though was that women do not just need to submit and trust their partners/husbands, but they also need to submit to God. I could feel the Lord tugging on my heart strings showing me that I submitted when I allowed the Lord to live in my heart and direct my steps.
That was the first step so I am able to submit. The question for all us women is will we submit and give control to the men that God has put in our life? Will we submit to our heavenly father foremost giving over our fears and our need to control and laying it at his feet? That is what he wills for us to do. To give our fears and the weight of trying to be strong all the time and just surrender it to him.
How can we begin to experience and live in freedom and understand beauty if we are not at rest?
Submission is an ongoing process, it a process that the Lord wants all of us to take so he can reveal to us what he has for us. By submitting to him, we say that he has control and that we fully trust in the
map for our lives and we are commited to being faithful to him. Faithfulness and submission go hand in hand. As we continue to submit to him we see all that he has for us not only in our relationships but in every aspect of our lives. How amazing is that. :)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Isaiah 41:10
" Fear not for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes I will help you yes I will hold you up and retain you with my right hand of righteousness and justice." Isaiah 41:10Have you ever felt so conflicted that even the right answer didn't seem like it was going to bring a resolve to the conflict without hurting someone or yourself? Have you ever felt like no matter what you chose it wouldn't make everyone happy? Have you ever felt like you just needed to be held and just let the tears fall?
The truth is it hard to attempt to please everyone else and yourself at the same time. In fact, I am beginning to realize that it is almost impossible and very exhausting to put everyone else and their opinions/desires above your own desires and thoughts. Not to say that loving others before oneself is wrong in fact the bible says in Phillipians 2:4 " Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not (merely) his own interest but also for each for the interests of others. I was looking at this passage this morning and the keyword merely stuck out to me. It says it is important to look after oneself but it important to love others and not be selfish. Question: How do we love ourselves while maintaining a balanced love relationship with others? I think that sometimes other people's desires conflict with our own. What this creates is an impass. The feeling that no matter what we want it is not going to please everyone and then we must choose whether or not we are willing to sacrifice to satisfy the other.
I believe everyone at one point must decide whether or not they will be radical and live their life according to what God wants. The line is drawn in the sand. Will you choose to follow the father's call, trust a father's heart and be willing to say no to other people in order to follow God's will for you own life? Are you willing to be reassured only by the Heavenly Father and not by others? Are you willing to love others while consistently trusting God and following his direction?
These are questions that I am asking myself consistently. Through this confliction that I am enduring I rest assured that my heavenly father gives me rest but he will also lead me out of the shadows and bring me clarity. He will reveal to me the answer. So all I can do is just wait upon him. To sit on his lap and let the heavenly father love me and whisper over me.
This is beautiful and I have replayed it over and over. Our heavenly father speaks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9ZaZE0B8MY
Monday, February 21, 2011
Conscious Thought
This week I pondered the importance of renewing the mind. Renewal of the mind is vital in order for the thoughts of our heart (the ones deep within us) to be of God and of life and other good things. Our thoughts can be filtered, but I won't kid myself I am not the best at filtering the negative ones out myself.
It is like a pipeline that is filled with guck ( no better word for it), but the water still manages to flow. The water may still flow but the efficiency and the purity of the flow can be in question. Or better yet its like a recylcing plant filtering the waste (due to people's laziness most likely), from the recyclable materials and sorting them all out. Our thoughts should follow the same process and renewing our minds allows that process to take effect. Thoughts can remain deep within the layers of our heart. They can plant themselves so far within that it will produce either positive or negative responses in our behaviour. Unfortunately, what can stem from that is self-pity, fear, denial, and lust.
This week I was challenged not to let my thoughts be spoken out of an emotional response. Emotions tend to make our thoughts go on a rampage, contradicting each other creating confusion and fear. Living by emotions is dangerous itself for it is easy to be led astray and choose the wrong path/choice. But what about our thoughts how do they play a role in our emotional health?
Our thoughts are the precursors to our mood. If attention is being payed to the negative thoughts then a negative mood will obviously be a result. Our thoughts, even before they leave our mouth, can pierce a heart just like a double edged sword. We tend to damage our own or another person's heart by allowing the negative thoughts to influence our emotions. Proverbs 29:11 says " A [self-confident] fool utters all his anger, but a wise man holds it back and stills it." -Amplified
Another translation is "a fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards." - KJV
It is outright exhausting to try to still anger ourselves. It seems futile and we usually end up releasing the anger out of frustration of trying to keep it in. Anger is stilled sucessfully with the help of God. Our emotions and our thoughts can be as well. We just have to choose to let the thoughts we ponder and the ones we let out be of life bringing hope, love, and joy. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. Ever hear that before? I am realizing that thoughts that will only bring destruction, should be dealt with internally by God. Thoughts that will influence change or bring understanding should be said in increments not all at once and should be thoughtfully pondered and brought before the Lord first. It is a long process and it is a conscious one but it is one that many people fail to do.
It is like a pipeline that is filled with guck ( no better word for it), but the water still manages to flow. The water may still flow but the efficiency and the purity of the flow can be in question. Or better yet its like a recylcing plant filtering the waste (due to people's laziness most likely), from the recyclable materials and sorting them all out. Our thoughts should follow the same process and renewing our minds allows that process to take effect. Thoughts can remain deep within the layers of our heart. They can plant themselves so far within that it will produce either positive or negative responses in our behaviour. Unfortunately, what can stem from that is self-pity, fear, denial, and lust.
This week I was challenged not to let my thoughts be spoken out of an emotional response. Emotions tend to make our thoughts go on a rampage, contradicting each other creating confusion and fear. Living by emotions is dangerous itself for it is easy to be led astray and choose the wrong path/choice. But what about our thoughts how do they play a role in our emotional health?
Our thoughts are the precursors to our mood. If attention is being payed to the negative thoughts then a negative mood will obviously be a result. Our thoughts, even before they leave our mouth, can pierce a heart just like a double edged sword. We tend to damage our own or another person's heart by allowing the negative thoughts to influence our emotions. Proverbs 29:11 says " A [self-confident] fool utters all his anger, but a wise man holds it back and stills it." -Amplified
Another translation is "a fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards." - KJV
It is outright exhausting to try to still anger ourselves. It seems futile and we usually end up releasing the anger out of frustration of trying to keep it in. Anger is stilled sucessfully with the help of God. Our emotions and our thoughts can be as well. We just have to choose to let the thoughts we ponder and the ones we let out be of life bringing hope, love, and joy. Sometimes things are better left unsaid. Ever hear that before? I am realizing that thoughts that will only bring destruction, should be dealt with internally by God. Thoughts that will influence change or bring understanding should be said in increments not all at once and should be thoughtfully pondered and brought before the Lord first. It is a long process and it is a conscious one but it is one that many people fail to do.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Drawn in
For anyone who can write music here is a song that has been put on my heart for a while.
I would love to collaborate with someone on it. Let me know if you are interested.
Drawn In: Chantal McDougall
January 15, 2010
Verse 1:
Here I am humbled again
At the throne of grace
Humbled by your love for me
Drawn into your embrace
Verse 2:
You see me for who I am
My desires revealed
My sins covered by your blood
You have drawn me in
Chorus
Here I stand
Blameless and free
Seeking more of your majesty
Longing to be closer to you
Refresh me Jesus, revive me
Bridge:
Deeper is where I want to be
Deeper is where I want to be
Deeper is where I want to be
Deeper into your love where I am free
I would love to collaborate with someone on it. Let me know if you are interested.
Drawn In: Chantal McDougall
January 15, 2010
Verse 1:
Here I am humbled again
At the throne of grace
Humbled by your love for me
Drawn into your embrace
Verse 2:
You see me for who I am
My desires revealed
My sins covered by your blood
You have drawn me in
Chorus
Here I stand
Blameless and free
Seeking more of your majesty
Longing to be closer to you
Refresh me Jesus, revive me
Bridge:
Deeper is where I want to be
Deeper is where I want to be
Deeper is where I want to be
Deeper into your love where I am free
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Complaining What Good Does Is It Do? Story of Inspiration
So this weekend I went to work determined to be compassionate on the phones no matter what the situation was. I prayed before I started and I asked God to send me people who needed to hear about his love for them, people who wanted hope. That he did. One stuck out however, because this call had tears coming down my cheeks. For those that know me they know it takes a lot for me to cry, so this was one of those calls that God had sent for me. It was a woman who went through hell and back due to someone stalking her. Her friends, family and herself were threatened. Her life has been flipped upside down by one individual who has no remorse and who is still not yet caught. She had spent money on lawyers and got no results. What had me was the fact that she was so faithful to God throughout all of it. She didn't even pray for God to change the situation all she wanted was justice, and for this man to be struck by the love of God and be changed forever. Fact is that this woman had incredible amount of strength and I knew she was dependent on God. Everything around her was falling apart but she remained faithful, and strong. She told me she used to complain to him about her situation but it was only when she stopped complaining did she find peace and restoration. Only Jesus can give the strength that woman has. She did not complain to me or what prayer for everything to stop she just wanted Jesus to show her what to do next. She was determined not to let her emotions and fear of one man keep her from what the Lord has for her.
I have never wanted to hug anyone or bear any one's pain like I wanted to hug her and bear hers. I truly feel that the Lord used me as an intercessor (someone to bear her pain for a short while to give her a break). He put that pain on me temporarily. I was placed in her shoes. I felt her tears, I felt her chest pain, I was shown the fear that the woman had dealt with everyday. I was also shown the forgiveness she had for this man. She wanted justice but not revenge. She wanted the Lord's help to 1) remain strong 2) for the pain in her body (due to accidents the stalker caused) to go away 3) she wanted to know her next step.This story touched my heart because I have complained over silly things these past few weeks as I am sure anyone who reads this has probably done as well. We complain about dishes not being done, house not being clean, relationships that are not perfect.. needless to say we complain. I am honestly going to have to hit myself the next time I complain.
The Lord showed me that complaining just prolongs the annoyance/suffering. He wants us to be thankful for what we do have and trust him to figure out the rest. Yes I said it.. let HIM figure it out NOT YOU. Fact is that it is human nature to complain when we do not get things we want. We also try to make it happen by either annoying someone to do what we are asking them to do or sulking until it is done. But the fact of the matter is IT DOES NOTHING but aggravate those around us and ourselves. Is it worth it??
So I challenge you and myself as well... the next time you have a bad day or someone annoys you or makes you angry, either rant to a mirror or choose to run to God so that he may give you peace instead of complaining which just brings aggravation. Choose to let him fix the situation instead of taking it upon yourself. When we surrender it to him that is when we begin to see progress and change.
For all those people in relationships this is for you:
In trying to get our own way, we should remember that kisses are sweeter than whine. ~Author Unknown
Monday, January 17, 2011
Pina Colada Cheescake
Pina Colada Cheese Cake
*Recipe for those that like to be bold and try something a little more challenging.
It is worth any struggle.
*Recipe for those that like to be bold and try something a little more challenging.
It is worth any struggle.
1 cup fine dry cooke crumbs
1 cup flaked coconut
1/4 cup melted butter
1 can crushed pineapple in its own juice
1/4 cup light rum
1 envelope unflavoured gelatin
3 egg yolks
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup coconut milk*
1 lb cream cheese
3 egg whites
1/4 cup sugar...
Directions:
First mix together cookie crumbs, coconut and melted butter. Remember to reserve 1/2 cup for topping. Press remainder into bottom of 9" springform pan. Then drain pineapple, reserving 1/2 cup of juice.
In small saucepan, combine pineapple juice and rum; sprinkle gelatin into liquid; stir over low heat until dissolved. Remove from heat.
In small heavy saucepan, whisk together egg yolks 3/4 cup sugar salt and milk. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly until slighly thickened do not boil. Add gelatin mixture.
Beat cream cheese until smooth, and beat in gelatin mixture; stir in drained pineapple; chill until very slightly thickened, stirring once or twice. Beat egg whites to soft peaks; gradually add 1/4 cup sugar, beating constantly to stiff peaks. Fold into cream cheese mixture. Pour into prepared pan. Sprinkle reserved crumbs on top. Chill until set at least 4 hours.
And once all that work is done enjoy!
P.S This recipe is great for get togethers but not recommended for chidren. It is also a recipe that is not the simplest but it produces great results. My friend Brianne gave it to me and I am inspired to make it. Anyone want to take the challenge?
:)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Ashes to Beauty
I have had a hard time being committed to people and it has been a struggle to trust others. However, lately the Lord has revealed to me his love and commitment towards me even before I was in the womb he approved me. He saved me through a very dark time in my life and he has been a constant in my life. It is amazing to me how the love of God can turn even the coldest heart, bring light to complete darkness and bring joy in despair. He has taken my ashes and in turn given me beauty. He has taken the things that at one point bound me and he has set me free from them and given me a beautiful testimony. What I love the most is something I found in Isaiah 61:1-3 is he " grants consolation and joy to those who mourn-to give them an ornament of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a heavy burdened and failing spirit... that he may be glorified. "
He takes our ashes, things of our past and uses them to bring beauty. Nothing is hidden from the Lord he will take the things undealt and help you deal with them and it will bring glory to his name. Beauty in God's eyes is in everything he has created and it is in seeing where we are now from where we have been.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Power of Our Words
Words are powerful. They can touch the core of who we are. Words that are spoken with authority can change our circumstances and our attitude dramatically. It can influence our thoughts and our perceptions of others. There are numerous amounts of words that people use everyday. Question is are the words that we speak bringing life or death? Are they showing Jesus in us or are we allowing our emotions to dictate what we say?
Letters often speak truth and words that have been unsaid for a certain amount of time. They can produce a positive or negative emotional response. They can uplift and offer encouragement and be a testimony of goodness and love. They also have the power to make our minds reflect and meditate on the things mentioned, until eventually confusion slowly enters into our hearts. What brought this topic on was a letter that I received from someone I care about. It revealed truths, hidden thoughts and emotional responses, and listed future goals in the new year. It was very difficult and emotional for me to read. It caused me to see this person differently than before. Questions like if only he said these things earlier? If only we had talked about them before making rash decisions? If only...
He voiced clearly that while we were together he saw something different inside of me. It was a testimony of God's love and passion in my own life that was passed on to this person and changed their perception of God. When he came to church with me he saw life instead of religion. He saw freedom instead of bondage. He saw love. It touched the core of me for this person's heart was revealed and for the first time I felt like I was unclear of how to respond and what to think. Has anyone been here before?
I know from experience and from my walk with Jesus that he brings peace and understanding when we need it. He shows us where we may have went wrong and offers correction. He carries us when we are weak, and in his presence there is no confusion just rest and love for all those who draw near. So when I received this letter a few tears were shed, but then I turned to my Heavenly Father and entered in and I received peace and rest. I am still unsure of tomorrow or the day after.
But thank God I need not worry for He knows my tomorrow. He provides for the birds in the sky and the lillies in the valley. He is my provider and He alread knows where I will be tomorrow.
{Reading of Matthew 6: 24-34}
The most precious thing in my opinion is that I can leave the confusion aside and have all the rest I need in him. It is hard to remember to turn to Jesus in the midst of emotional confusion and chaos. For the world says that emotions dictate where we go and what we do. However, as believers we have Christ in us that can not only calm our emotions and bring peace, but he also gives us a light unto our path which is in his word, that offers all the guidance we need. So I encourage anyone reading this including myself to look toward the book of life and draw near to Jesus in times of confusion instead of letting our emotions get the best of us.
Letters often speak truth and words that have been unsaid for a certain amount of time. They can produce a positive or negative emotional response. They can uplift and offer encouragement and be a testimony of goodness and love. They also have the power to make our minds reflect and meditate on the things mentioned, until eventually confusion slowly enters into our hearts. What brought this topic on was a letter that I received from someone I care about. It revealed truths, hidden thoughts and emotional responses, and listed future goals in the new year. It was very difficult and emotional for me to read. It caused me to see this person differently than before. Questions like if only he said these things earlier? If only we had talked about them before making rash decisions? If only...
He voiced clearly that while we were together he saw something different inside of me. It was a testimony of God's love and passion in my own life that was passed on to this person and changed their perception of God. When he came to church with me he saw life instead of religion. He saw freedom instead of bondage. He saw love. It touched the core of me for this person's heart was revealed and for the first time I felt like I was unclear of how to respond and what to think. Has anyone been here before?
I know from experience and from my walk with Jesus that he brings peace and understanding when we need it. He shows us where we may have went wrong and offers correction. He carries us when we are weak, and in his presence there is no confusion just rest and love for all those who draw near. So when I received this letter a few tears were shed, but then I turned to my Heavenly Father and entered in and I received peace and rest. I am still unsure of tomorrow or the day after.
But thank God I need not worry for He knows my tomorrow. He provides for the birds in the sky and the lillies in the valley. He is my provider and He alread knows where I will be tomorrow.
{Reading of Matthew 6: 24-34}
The most precious thing in my opinion is that I can leave the confusion aside and have all the rest I need in him. It is hard to remember to turn to Jesus in the midst of emotional confusion and chaos. For the world says that emotions dictate where we go and what we do. However, as believers we have Christ in us that can not only calm our emotions and bring peace, but he also gives us a light unto our path which is in his word, that offers all the guidance we need. So I encourage anyone reading this including myself to look toward the book of life and draw near to Jesus in times of confusion instead of letting our emotions get the best of us.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Isaiah 45:2-5
There are times during the year when we begin to question where we are supposed to be and reflect on what we have accomplished, especially Christmas. In every season, God wants to shape us, smoothen out the rough edges, trim away the dead branches that do not produce fruit. He reveals truths and life as he goes deeper with us. When he goes deeper and cuts away the dead branches, he causes certain secrets and insecurities to be brought to the surface. He reveals to us certain things about our lives and about ourselves that he wishes to change if we are willing.
Over the past week is his determination to restore, reveal, and transform. As we continue to seek him, his heartbeat is revealed. As we lean on him we find uncomprehensible peace and comfort in our lives. As we draw into his presence we find rest and security and riches that are more valuable than anything we will receive this Christmas.
In Isaiah 45:2-5 we see that the Lord promises that as we draw near to him and believe his word, he promises riches, and his majesty to be revealed. He says that he is the one that calls you by name, and even when you are not aware of him he still had a purpose, name, and promise for you that is eternal. We are chosen and we have power through him who prepares our way. The greatest truth in my opinion is that he " will go before us and level the mountains (to make the crooked places straight). "
That to me is beautiful. He prepares our way as we continue along the narrow path. He gives us everything we need to live a life of abundance and fulfillment. He is the one gift that all may receive through salvation. So this christmas let us remember that we have not only been given Jesus but we also have been blessed in abundance and we can walk in his promise of abundance and strength in this upcoming year. Change is inevitable but the promises of the Lord Almighty will be fulfilled. He is faithful and what he declares he will do. There is no other gifts as great at as knowing that we have eternal life, unbreakable promsies, and prosperity. No one and nothing can take that away from us.
Over the past week is his determination to restore, reveal, and transform. As we continue to seek him, his heartbeat is revealed. As we lean on him we find uncomprehensible peace and comfort in our lives. As we draw into his presence we find rest and security and riches that are more valuable than anything we will receive this Christmas.
In Isaiah 45:2-5 we see that the Lord promises that as we draw near to him and believe his word, he promises riches, and his majesty to be revealed. He says that he is the one that calls you by name, and even when you are not aware of him he still had a purpose, name, and promise for you that is eternal. We are chosen and we have power through him who prepares our way. The greatest truth in my opinion is that he " will go before us and level the mountains (to make the crooked places straight). "
That to me is beautiful. He prepares our way as we continue along the narrow path. He gives us everything we need to live a life of abundance and fulfillment. He is the one gift that all may receive through salvation. So this christmas let us remember that we have not only been given Jesus but we also have been blessed in abundance and we can walk in his promise of abundance and strength in this upcoming year. Change is inevitable but the promises of the Lord Almighty will be fulfilled. He is faithful and what he declares he will do. There is no other gifts as great at as knowing that we have eternal life, unbreakable promsies, and prosperity. No one and nothing can take that away from us.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
If only...
He plucks my heartstrings and plays them so right. He knows what to say when I am down. He always cares about the little things. His smile is contagious. When he is around my heart constantly palpatates. If only he knew what I can't say aloud.
If only he could understand why I let him go the first time.
If only he knew what happened when he left and I was left there alone in tears.
I let him go. I knew he would break my heart in time. He was and still is going to go down a different path than me. It was inevitable. It still is now. Breaking my own heart did not make it easier. Not having a solid explanation for him made me hate myself for even ending it.
I thought I let him go. It is obvious to me now that I haven't. We will not be able to stay friends and not be tempted to go further. We will crash and burn eventually. The clock is ticking....
If only he could see the attachment to him that I have developped.
If only he knew how it pains me to think about him with anyone else.
If only he could see that I want to stay and remain with him ...
Willing to risk pain down the road, but knowing deep down that I can't.
If only he knew that my heart is breaking with the thought of him gone for good.
I know what I should do. I know what God wants of me. But I can't help but feel as though if I let him go I will be broken all over again.
Broken. That is a strong word and I mean it when I say it. The first time I let him go my heart broke, literally had a pain for months. I remember feeling as if I made a mistake. How could I be in so much pain if this is what I need to do in order to draw closer to my saviour?
If only he knew him like I do.
What was it? What made us connect all over again causing me to go back to this place? I did this to myself. I knew he had to be left in the past. But I chose not to leave him behind. Now we both may end up broken again. I knew this would happen. I knew that I would fall hard for him. I just knew.
If only he was mean. If only he wasn't worth my love and time...
Problem is he is worth it all except he cannot complete the triangle.
He does not understand my relationship with God. He will not be able to support me on my walk with God. I know this, and yet I am still unsettled about the idea that I must be broken in order to be truly complete. Fully commited. That is what I want to be fully committed to the one who loves me unconditionally, who saves me from myself. The one who offers grace, healing, and a refreshing when needed. I am half way there. The other half is what leaves me with an ache.
If only... these words play through my head like a record that skips. Knowing that there will be a part of me erased, makes this decision even harder to make. I know that God will mould me after this...but the waiting for the pain to begin is causing me to be anxious.
I don't know when but it will be soon... I can feel it like a thunderstorm thats miles away. Eventually it will strike. This one will not blow over.
Here I am (song lyrics only)
Here I am: Chantal McDougall
November 30, 2010
Verse 1:
Here I stand
Completely in awe of you
You knew I would be here
I knew that I had to draw near
Verse 2:
You see me here in my confusion
You see what I have shed
I come into your presence
Here I am again
Verse 3
I wish to be renewed
For my mind is confused
I am weary but you are great
Here I am
Chorus:
So here I am swallowing my pride, here at your feet
Admitting I have no clue what to do
Only you know what I need.
Only you can show me where I should be
I am blind and cannot see
Lord please bring clarity
Bridge?
My heart is lost without a map
My mind is running on overdrive
Your comfort and truth is what I long
I am weak but I know you're strong
So here I am Lord
Here I am Lord 4X
November 30, 2010
Verse 1:
Here I stand
Completely in awe of you
You knew I would be here
I knew that I had to draw near
Verse 2:
You see me here in my confusion
You see what I have shed
I come into your presence
Here I am again
Verse 3
I wish to be renewed
For my mind is confused
I am weary but you are great
Here I am
Chorus:
So here I am swallowing my pride, here at your feet
Admitting I have no clue what to do
Only you know what I need.
Only you can show me where I should be
I am blind and cannot see
Lord please bring clarity
Bridge?
My heart is lost without a map
My mind is running on overdrive
Your comfort and truth is what I long
I am weak but I know you're strong
So here I am Lord
Here I am Lord 4X
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wisdom through learned lessons
As I was reading I came across this passage:
" Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her."
Last night, I gained a deeper understanding into why lust is destructive. It cheats us of God's goodness and the best that he has. The desire to satisfy the flesh temporarily causes the focus to be on self and not on God. He is not glorified when man and woman satisfy themselves prematurely or in sin. Passions are easily ignited, this is usually when lust comes knocking. It is hard to avoid, and we all encounter it at one point or another. Not all will choose to give in to it.
" Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her."
The preciousness of wisdom is personified to being more valuable that rubies, silver, and gold. All things that are temporary in nature. Wisdom is eternal and everlasting. In order to gain wisdom one must gain a deeper understanding, which comes directly from the Lord and his word. Sometimes, he uses the mistakes we made to give wisdom and correct us.
Last night, I gained a deeper understanding into why lust is destructive. It cheats us of God's goodness and the best that he has. The desire to satisfy the flesh temporarily causes the focus to be on self and not on God. He is not glorified when man and woman satisfy themselves prematurely or in sin. Passions are easily ignited, this is usually when lust comes knocking. It is hard to avoid, and we all encounter it at one point or another. Not all will choose to give in to it. I struggled all last night but with God's strength I was able to withstand temptation. I chose not to let lust have a foothold in my life. I will be honest my ex and I both struggled the whole night. I realized after further reflection that the Lord was showing me why he had given me instruction to leave my relationship with Raymond in the past, and to keep it in the past. He knew that my relationship with Ray would leave me desiring sexual intimacy, and that I would struggle to remain pure and to remain single. It was unfortunate that I ended up hurt and confused as a result of ignorance. The lesson now remains clear: Lust is destructive and it will keep me from the best that God has for me in my future. It is a sin that once let in it usually takes a lot of discipline and strength to let out again.
I continue to thank God and I am continually amazed by his unfailing love and mercy and the wisdom he continues to give, which is more precious than anything of this World.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
How did I get Back Here?
So tonight I had a date with my ex just for coffee... but of course like all coffee dates, eventually past feelings and reminders come crawling to the surface. The night goes something like this. I arrive looking beautiful, order a tea and we greet with an intimate embrace. We talk until 11:30 until the night is overfilled with great memories and good times. Non-stop laughter and great hot chocolate and tea make it easy to conversate, but one would be in denial to believe that its only coffee. Somehow coffee turned into more.
The truth is I knew before I went that it was more than coffee. I had the desire to see where it could go if anywhere. Tonight, I began to see that not only do I still have some feelings for him, but I also realize that I was a tease tonight. I showed him what he was missing, but the truth is I wanted him to see him the way he saw me before. I wanted to see him the way I saw him before the breakup. I wanted him to see that time has healed old wounds, and that I am ready to start again. I realize that not only was I naive, but I was also temporarily distracted by lust and an intimate connection with my past. We both played with fire.
This is me being brutally honest with myself. I feel as if my heart had two desires: satisfy flesh and satisfy spirit. The problem is those two desires are separate they should not go together. In the beginning of the night my only desire was to be in God's presence and let my spirit be renewed and strengthened. By the end of the night, I feel as if my spirit was not only locked away and hidden away from sight, but that is also revealed itself through my conscience. Good ol' conscience always seems to creep up when you are enjoying sin. It definitely made me think about the way this night could end and that made me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of me hurting him was unbearable. How did I get back here? He is one guy in a million but the truth is there is something special about this one guy that I cannot let go. However, my one in a million who will be my partner through marriage, and who will be in the triangle with me and god is the one that I must stay focused on. I keep feeling as if I am making a mistake in letting him go because he is special and we have an amazing connection. Reality is there is someone else for him and I don't want to stand in their way. I must leave our relationship that we had in the past and fully move forward. I just cannot stand any more pain or the thought that I could be making it that much harder for him to do the same.
I played with fire and got brushed by the flame. How did I get back here again?
The truth is I knew before I went that it was more than coffee. I had the desire to see where it could go if anywhere. Tonight, I began to see that not only do I still have some feelings for him, but I also realize that I was a tease tonight. I showed him what he was missing, but the truth is I wanted him to see him the way he saw me before. I wanted to see him the way I saw him before the breakup. I wanted him to see that time has healed old wounds, and that I am ready to start again. I realize that not only was I naive, but I was also temporarily distracted by lust and an intimate connection with my past. We both played with fire.
This is me being brutally honest with myself. I feel as if my heart had two desires: satisfy flesh and satisfy spirit. The problem is those two desires are separate they should not go together. In the beginning of the night my only desire was to be in God's presence and let my spirit be renewed and strengthened. By the end of the night, I feel as if my spirit was not only locked away and hidden away from sight, but that is also revealed itself through my conscience. Good ol' conscience always seems to creep up when you are enjoying sin. It definitely made me think about the way this night could end and that made me feel sick to my stomach. The thought of me hurting him was unbearable. How did I get back here? He is one guy in a million but the truth is there is something special about this one guy that I cannot let go. However, my one in a million who will be my partner through marriage, and who will be in the triangle with me and god is the one that I must stay focused on. I keep feeling as if I am making a mistake in letting him go because he is special and we have an amazing connection. Reality is there is someone else for him and I don't want to stand in their way. I must leave our relationship that we had in the past and fully move forward. I just cannot stand any more pain or the thought that I could be making it that much harder for him to do the same.
I played with fire and got brushed by the flame. How did I get back here again?
Friday, November 5, 2010
Impossible Expectations
In the past, I have consistently struggled to make everyone else happy. I would put aside my own desires and do whatever I could to please everyone else. I was a people-pleaser. For years, I tried to create this perfect happy world where no one was angry with me and everyone just accepted me. I know this sounds naive, but I honestly thought it was the only way to live. Eventually through life's struggles a realization came. I cannot make everyone happy all the time. That is not my job. The impossible expectation of trying to please my boss, my parents, my friends, and people I worked with was exhausting. I realized all I was doing was making myself miserable. I am almost certain that everybody has attempted to please someone else and as consequence, they wound up miserable. It happens everyday in our society. The worst part is that we just accept it.
Lately, whenever I succeed there is a constant reminder of that one failure that occurred during the day, week or month. I have struggled to not let them discourage me. In Psalm 103:13 It says" As a father pities his children, so the Lord pities those who fear him. For he knows our frame; He remembers we are dust." This is so amazing to me. Not only does he forgive me for my transgressions, he understands that I am not perfect. He never wanted perfection, all he wants is for his people to trust him and fear him. He wants me to succeed, but he realizes that I will make mistakes. Otherwise there would have been no reason for him to die.
There will always be impossible expectations that will be impossible for us to attain. Hence, the word impossible. However, through Christ nothing is impossible. He will teach us through our imperfection and celebrate with us when we are victorious. We must look to Jesus when impossible expectations are given, ones that seem too difficult for us in our own efforts. Just remember that with him potential will be reached, and eventually we will reach goals that might have seemed impossible before.
Do not look at every failure and feel ashamed or discouraged. The reality is that the Lord already knew failure was imminent, but he loves us anyways. The only expectation that matters is what Jesus expects, which is simply coming to him with everything and trust that he will give the correction and victory in the midst of a difficult battle. So as I sit and stare out my window, I begin to see that my failures are washed away due to his loving mercy and tender grace that abounds every day.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Strength in times of weakness
It is incredible the amount of strength you can have through Jesus Christ when you need to be strong. It is amazing how the love of God can bring such peace in the middle of utter chaos. When my faith is shaken, he reveals his life, strength, and provision. When I am overwhelmed with despair and in a state of confusion, he shows me his promises and gives abundantly to me to fill my need. His amazing love for me, and his commitment to take care of me is overwhelming. No one on the face of this Earth can give endlessly, love unconditionally, and be wiling to take my suffering, so that I can stand strong and make it to the finish line.
He is my saviour. He is my example. He is my one and only. Without him I would not be here today.
This week has been challenging. It has been a week where many questions were raised and no answers or direction was seen. A glimpse of hope seemed so far down the road. Feelings of failure, disappointment, despair and uncertainty left me in a dark place. I saw only the circumstances. I knew to trust the Lord, and not look at the circumstances. I was just consumed with pity, and doubt. It is easy to tell someone else to have faith and not look at the circumstance, but when it came to applying it to my own life, it was a challenge.
I currently have no job, therefore no money coming in, except for the occasional babysitting job. I have no special someone for I left him due to being unequally yoked, even though I care for him deeply. I am in a program that has tested my boundaries, questioned my values, and has caused me to completely be dependent on Jesus. I have an opa who is in a long-term care facility, who has recently just left the hospital (praise God :) ), but has been situated on a floor where the "crazies" are. All of these things have tested my patience, and have caused me to feel weary and at times stressed out, so tired of the uncertainty.
My opa is a man who was intelligent, he did crossword puzzles everyday and none of them were a challenge. He is a man who loves to work, loves my oma, and loves to give back. He is not the type of man to sit in a bed all day or walk around with "crazy" people roaming around the halls. Today, my mom and I went to visit him. He looked happy to see us for a brief moment, then the smile disappeared leaving a face I have never seen before from him. I had asked God to let his life inside me shine through, so that my opa and the other people could see light instead of darkness. I wanted my opa to be reminded that the Lord was with him. My opa seemed to be out of place, ashamed of where he lived. He ate an apple fritter on the balcony, constantly thinking he had somewhere else to be. He had no work, nowhere to be except with us. So even though he was with us, he was somewhere else entirely.
I remember when his diagnosis of Parkinson's was announced. It left me feeling angry, and confused. Why would a loving self-less man suffer from this disease? This question was pointless, but I am sure many people ask God these questions everyday why me, why her/him? However, I realized that these questions are because the world has this idea that good people don't deserve to suffer, bad people should get what's coming to them. Jesus does not condemn, he does not make good people suffer. He loves everyone the same with abundant overwhelming love and mercy. The enemy is the one that puts these lies and creates unfairness. Thank God that we as believers can turn to Jesus when we have those thoughts and rebuke them. For these questions and thoughts do not produce fruit.
I would be lying to say that I wasn't overwhelmed. I was emotional when I left that facility. I was hurt that my opa didn't want me to ever come back, because he was so ashamed that I saw him like that. I was overwhelmed with the amount of despair and chaos that consumed that third floor. These people looked like they were trapped in bodies that they wanted to escape. The beauty in the visit was seeing the result of the light of Jesus. It had some people smiling, and others were yelling at us to come closer. It was amazing to see that through the disparity that Jesus was present with us.
I am still weary and tired. I am seeking Jesus and his strength continuously. My life is his and his life is mine. We are attached and his attachment to me is the only thing that has kept me standing, and smiling through it all. Circumstances are deceiving, but they are temporary. Jesus has a plan and purpose for me and I am determined to trust that he will continue to be real in my life. The uncertainty can be like fog that covers me, but I know that Jesus will continue to reveal himself and clarity will be given.
Thank you Lord for the strength you continue to give me. Thank you for removing the dead branches that don't produce, and for giving me hope and endless love that keeps me standing through this crazy little thing called life.
- Chanti
He is my saviour. He is my example. He is my one and only. Without him I would not be here today.
This week has been challenging. It has been a week where many questions were raised and no answers or direction was seen. A glimpse of hope seemed so far down the road. Feelings of failure, disappointment, despair and uncertainty left me in a dark place. I saw only the circumstances. I knew to trust the Lord, and not look at the circumstances. I was just consumed with pity, and doubt. It is easy to tell someone else to have faith and not look at the circumstance, but when it came to applying it to my own life, it was a challenge.
I currently have no job, therefore no money coming in, except for the occasional babysitting job. I have no special someone for I left him due to being unequally yoked, even though I care for him deeply. I am in a program that has tested my boundaries, questioned my values, and has caused me to completely be dependent on Jesus. I have an opa who is in a long-term care facility, who has recently just left the hospital (praise God :) ), but has been situated on a floor where the "crazies" are. All of these things have tested my patience, and have caused me to feel weary and at times stressed out, so tired of the uncertainty.
My opa is a man who was intelligent, he did crossword puzzles everyday and none of them were a challenge. He is a man who loves to work, loves my oma, and loves to give back. He is not the type of man to sit in a bed all day or walk around with "crazy" people roaming around the halls. Today, my mom and I went to visit him. He looked happy to see us for a brief moment, then the smile disappeared leaving a face I have never seen before from him. I had asked God to let his life inside me shine through, so that my opa and the other people could see light instead of darkness. I wanted my opa to be reminded that the Lord was with him. My opa seemed to be out of place, ashamed of where he lived. He ate an apple fritter on the balcony, constantly thinking he had somewhere else to be. He had no work, nowhere to be except with us. So even though he was with us, he was somewhere else entirely.
I remember when his diagnosis of Parkinson's was announced. It left me feeling angry, and confused. Why would a loving self-less man suffer from this disease? This question was pointless, but I am sure many people ask God these questions everyday why me, why her/him? However, I realized that these questions are because the world has this idea that good people don't deserve to suffer, bad people should get what's coming to them. Jesus does not condemn, he does not make good people suffer. He loves everyone the same with abundant overwhelming love and mercy. The enemy is the one that puts these lies and creates unfairness. Thank God that we as believers can turn to Jesus when we have those thoughts and rebuke them. For these questions and thoughts do not produce fruit.
I would be lying to say that I wasn't overwhelmed. I was emotional when I left that facility. I was hurt that my opa didn't want me to ever come back, because he was so ashamed that I saw him like that. I was overwhelmed with the amount of despair and chaos that consumed that third floor. These people looked like they were trapped in bodies that they wanted to escape. The beauty in the visit was seeing the result of the light of Jesus. It had some people smiling, and others were yelling at us to come closer. It was amazing to see that through the disparity that Jesus was present with us.
I am still weary and tired. I am seeking Jesus and his strength continuously. My life is his and his life is mine. We are attached and his attachment to me is the only thing that has kept me standing, and smiling through it all. Circumstances are deceiving, but they are temporary. Jesus has a plan and purpose for me and I am determined to trust that he will continue to be real in my life. The uncertainty can be like fog that covers me, but I know that Jesus will continue to reveal himself and clarity will be given.
Thank you Lord for the strength you continue to give me. Thank you for removing the dead branches that don't produce, and for giving me hope and endless love that keeps me standing through this crazy little thing called life.
- Chanti
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