Serenity

Sky after sunset at Municipal Beach

There is nothing like the calm after the storm, or the waves after the tide has been washed back. There is a stillness after a sunset that makes you reflect on all the memories of the day preparing for the night to fall and cover you with a glimmer of light from only the stars above. I love the ripples that reflect the shades of light that mirror the fallen rays of sun. The seagulls  squawk, the birds sing their final song for the day, the mosquitoes come out to play and there is nothing like the watercolour painting spread within the skyline. I cannot imagine waking up to the morning’s version of this beautiful setting everyday. It would be a dream of mine.  

Serenity, something that calls upon each of us in its smallest voice to bring us back to our equilibrium where everything is right and as it should be. The crave of activity, connection and a chance to live out life’s greatest moments is paused. The silence of the noise in life is minimal and the still small voice of our lover calls to us. His breath of song is sung by the songbird in its quiet melody, his voice as the swish of the waves soft but heard nonetheless. 

It beckons our soul to be at peace, to rest in the serenity of his presence that surrounds and engulfs us. 

Do we take the time to let our souls be engulfed in the love and depth of his peace and let him romance us? 

Serenity is short lived, taken for granted as if only taking it in for a moment before life picks up again in its hectic state.  I for one have never appreciated the serenity in all of its glory. If only for a moment I could I let my mind be an abyss of nothing and focus on the thoughts the heart and spirit that I often shut out due to the other voices drawing my attention away. 

Often brief and fleeting it is, so it must be cherished and appreciated as a time for thought, reflection, and gratitude. It allows us to be optimistic and live the rest of the day out in purpose and with an attitude of resting in Jesus. How beautiful it is to surrender in the God given serenity and allow our hearts to be filled with the peace and joy than comes from him. How amazing is our God!

New Year: New Part of the Journey

It has been a while since I have written anything, that is mostly because I have been so busy trying to figure out things in my life. School this semester has caused me to ask questions I have never asked before such as " What is the purpose of this degree I am working hard towards?" I have wondered " Where exactly am I wishing to go after my education?" These are questions that every undergraduate asks, however, just recently they have become all I can think about.


I remember when all that was important to me was to love and worship God, be liked, to learn how to sing, and to know how to make my mom's homemade spaghetti, and now it seems like I am entering a whole new realm of responsibility and inquiry.  One that I cannot say I am excited to enter into.


Just last year, I decided that I would start trying new things, opening my mind to new ideas and possibilities making the most of each day. I realize with new possibilities come new choices to make. Some easier than others. 


By March I have to know if I am going to do the honours program, graduate a year early or do an exchange program for a year. Too many other options exist that would exhaust my brain so these are the ones I have it narrowed down to. Who knows maybe I could go to another province and do a year there. The world is full of possibilities. Question that plagues my mind is how do we know which possibility to take hold of and run with?


Any thoughts?

Cleaning Out the Clutter

So we all know what time of year it is and we all know the amount of tidying up and cleaning out that needs to be done in preparation for the holidays. I am sure all you guys are busy tidying up and buying gorceries to prepare for family dinners and christmas spectacles. The Christmas clean for my family this year will take a week, because our house is currently in renovation mode. So I decided to get started and do a little tidy of my own that started with the entire kitchen, vaccuming, and my current spare room. Afterwards, I came to the conclusion that my email inbox could also need some emptying and sorting in order to prepare for the new year. So needless to say, I went through hundreds of old messages, photos, and even letters and it brought about some questions.

First, I must say that an organized email makes life a whole lot simpler. Less clutter is always good but organization makes things a lot easier to find. However, deleting certain items was not easy especially the ones of a personal nature. Who knew I would have so many letters from a few years back that still didn't have a folder or place to go. Some of them brought up happy memories for example the one of what music to listen to when you need to jump on the bed and just let yourself go and not think so hard (that came from a need to destress after a tough paper or exam). Others were more of a serious nature including proclamations of affection, or of friendship or of loss. All of the messages needed to be sorted and I was determined to do it.

It turns out I had a lot of old messages that included songs I used to replay over and over again, photos of my friends and I in high school and even some from hikes I took, and kids I lead in camp. These were amusing to go through and I realized then that some pictures were never posted because I either forgot or I procrastinated. So the good news is that the photo of me being a cheerleader for a day can be hidden away in a folder for a few more years and the photos of friends and myself being goofy can be posted in old albums or in my room. The other side to these new findings were the emotions they triggered. It is amazing how pictures can trigger emotions that you have buried and words in letters are played over and over again in your mind to the tune of the first time they were read. I remembered the first time I opened some of the messages and the reactions I had. I even remembered the song that was playing in the background when they were opened. My long term memory was being tapped into and I can say that some of the messages were too difficult to open, because I realized they would always carry certain ties to past relationships either romantic or plutonic. I began to ask myself is letting go of the reminders of what has been really necessary in order to move on or should certain things remain?

Tell me readers. What do you think?

Is it necessary to let go of the remnants of our past? If so, is there a perfect time to let them go?

All Out Of: What do we lack in Christ?

I was sitting down and eating breakfast when I looked upon my fridge at the grocery list pad. The title is All Out Of, hence the title of this blog. It made me think of what I am all out of in my life. Sometimes, there are moments when everything seems clear and bright days are a plenty. Other times there are feelings of emptiness and we feel that we lack things of significance such as hope and joy. I was reflecting on the emptiness that exists within humanity and the void that is never filled until Jesus fills it with his unconditional love and goodness. At times, I forget how much I have in the one who filled the void inside of me. I will feel like I lack if I am dependent upon my own strength and provision. I will always see myself as having little if I do not look through the eyes of faith. In Christ I have all good things. This I was reminded of as I sat down for breakfast. It never ceases to amaze me how a situation or day can seem bleak through our own eyes, and that as soon as we have eyes of faith and trust in our saviour and provider, we can truly be thankful and joyous again. A change in perspective can turn an entire day around. I found that out today.

A simple grocery list made me create a list of things I felt I lacked at this time in my life. The Lord encouraged me to instead crreate a list of what I have in Him. I encourage all of you to do the same.



Changing Old Patterns

I voyaged to Toronto for a few days to find solace and reflect. Ironic, because it is a city full of chaos and constant noise and movement. It was very difficult to find peace and quiet but it was accomplished.
When I left St.Catharines, I expected to find some identity, something to help me find my way back. I don't know, but somewhere along the way I  lost my identity of self as a single young woman. I have attempted relationships and some I truly gave everything I could to try to make it work, and some I let go due to the fact that it wasn't what I was looking for in my life. I was stuck in a pattern of not being alone and I avoided being alone whenever possible.The pattern I created for myself has been one that I recently only recognized as one that I need to break. The problem with breaking patterns is that a pattern is formed over a long period of time, and they are not easy to change. Once they have been established they are hard to break. I have been a relationship addict, and now for the first time I am single with no ties to any guys that way I can truly find identity set apart from them.

I was sitting my hotel room reading Set Apart Feminity by Leslie Ludy, which God purposely kept unread until now. It is helping me recognize my idols. Idols are things that take your affection and attention, things that we place value in that can cause us to live a shallow and non set-apart life. I realized I was placing my affection, trust, and time in things and people who could not save me or add purpose to my life. I lost intimacy with my Heavenly Father, because I became distracted by the worldly pleasures and things of little value in Heaven. I can say without a doubt that losing my connection with my first true love has caused me to seek affection and love elsewhere which hurt myself and others. Human nature is selfish and greedy. It asks for everything and gives little in comparison to what is received. I became selfish without even realizing it.

Selfishness is satisfying the flesh. Giving usually requires starving the flesh. Living a life for Christ requires starving the flesh from worldly pleasures and lusts. I have now decided that I would take some time and be single for a while. I need to go back to my true love. My saviour who saved me and gave me life and purpose. I am breaking old patterns with his help and guidance. I am going to be set apart from the world and choose instead to give everything to the one who deserves it.. This is a radical decision that I am now ready to make. These next few weeks will be difficult for I will have to starve my flesh, but it will bring me closer to the love of my life, my saviour who loves me more than anything and will help me to be the precious princess that He created me to be.

A Tie Cut

Dear guy,

Here I am spouting off all my resentment and regret wondering why it took me so long to see that I was just your marionette. You were one of the only people that I could honestly say I gave everything I could, and it still wasn't enough. You stole my dignity, my joy and my love replacing it with a void, one that goes deeper than the pit of your selfish ambition and pride.

I am sure you are ashamed so am I. We both know it wasn't supposed to be like that. We had something special. My friend's wedding day was supposed to bring us closer, to spark the flame and see if it would burn. We longed to see if there was anything to fight for and we came up short.

You turned a beautiful moment into a lustful compromise. Was it worth it? Did you find some satisfaction in taking what you wanted leaving me to drown in the aftermath? I waited too many years waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I loved you and wanted you to open up and let me in. Was it that I was living here and you further away? Did you ever want anything for us or were you merely using me until the real one came along? I know that I must accept that we are over and that what you and I did cannot be erased. For every text from you became an insult after a while, filled with a lack of empathy and shallow love yet I still held on. You became distant and left me not knowing where we stood. You would constantly say we would talk then leave me waiting to hear from you. That's cold and heartless. You knew I was waiting, questioning where you stood and why you did the things you did to me. There is a piece of me that has been chipping away due to your silence and the blame you put upon me that is not mine to solely bear.

I couldn't see who you really were underneath the religion and the facade you placated so well. It is plain as day now that you and I were never meant to fall in love, we were oil and water, coexisting but not ever going to become one.

I cannot say that I know when you stopped feeling the flame burn all I know is now that is out I am left with am even larger void left behind from the other guys like you. How I wish I would have seen what this love for you would cost me. I wish that I saw you for what you were, someone who would never treat me with the love and respect I deserved. Maybe it was because I didn't fit into the big picture. Maybe I didn't give you what you wanted and so you desired to make me suffer along with you. Whatever the reason one thing I am sure of: You and I were a possibility at one time or another, but its safe to say that after that one night the love I had for you was gone with the wind. I resent you for the lack of compassion and for the dismissal. You bluntly through back everything that happened that night in my face. As if I was the one to blame for your lack of respect towards me and your lack of self control? How does that make sense? 

Tomorrow I will be one year older and honestly one more year wiser. I have learned not to trust religious facades that worldly men put up so easily to convince yourselves and the beautiful girl that you are one to pine for. That you were our heros and we should put our trust in you. How blind I was to not see what was hidden in the depths of your heart. You talked the talk and I fell for it but actions speak louder than words and yours spoke of your disrespect and lack of love and empathy towards me. That was when I began to realize that you were not bold enough to just admit you couldn't love me the way I deserved to be loved. 

I feel used, dismissed and mostly I feel confused. Confused because I cannot see why you never gave more, never put your effort in. You let me wait and you allowed me to fall for you and then you took that for granted and took the one thing I would not freely give you.

You are the one who gave up, and who who took advantage of me. You will always be remembered as the one who lusted me but never truly showed love to me. You are the last tie to my binded heart that I am cutting loose. You will no longer be allowed to see the depths of who I am, to see all my beauty and talent that lies within me. You no longer have the power to wound me. The bond between you and I will remain cut and that is on you. Don't bother trying to fall into my good graces. I forgive you, but you and I are a tragedy and we will remain as such.

Sincerely,

The one who gave you everything to be left with nothing.


P.S  To any readers out there this is my dear guy letter. It is a letter to get rid of resentment and anger and hurt
that I have buried inside due to a guy who disrespected me and left me bruised and abandoned. It is about a guy who didn't deserve me and my recognition of the blind submission and love I gave him and the empowerment of knowing I can take my heart back and move forward. It was starting to eat away at me so I decided to write the letter so I could let it go once and for all. If he ever reads it I am sure he will know it was for him. This was just my way of getting rid of the emotions and moving onward, leaving him and the bitterness in the past.    

Cry For Help

For anyone who is reading this I want you to know that if I have looked okay or seemed okay, I am not.
This is the only place where I can say what's on my mind without the looks of pity or shock looking back at me. I have done everything I know how to do and I realize I am not capable of getting myself better. I have tried but I am failing. So I give up. There is a better way and I have been avoiding it. I need to stop avoiding the pain and start dealing with it. I thought I was. But I obviously am not. So I need to surrender my pain to God and just let go of the secret and the burden I have been carrying.

Is it wrong to want to avoid pain and act fine? No for its a human thing. But I do wish I could do the right thing and have the courage to face the truth.

Days of Bliss

Have you ever just had those days of pure bliss, to the point in which you stay up longer just so it can last? 


Lately, I have had quite a few blah days in a row. So I have prayed for days of bliss, days in which I can rest and enjoy life and enjoy life's simplest moments that most people take advantage due to the hectic schedules and completing the duties of the day.  


On Sunday, I went to church and enjoyed an inspiring message and then I packed for the Sleep Cheap night in the Falls. I was so excited, because I knew it would be a day of bliss, where I could just enjoy myself and relax and let the weight on my shoulders fall off. 


Sunday night was an incredible night full of chocolate, great views and new experiences. I also was able to face my fear of heights twice in one night.  It was night that I wish I could do all over again. 


The best part was not feeling alone. It was being with a good friend who just let go with me and had a blast. It was not remembering my brokenness. I didn't feel sadness or pain I felt happy again. 


This day of bliss let me forget temporarily how much I am in pain. I didn't even know how much pain I was in until I came back from the Sleep Cheap night and felt alone and empty again.  


Sad but true.


I want more of them.  I was living and feeling alive that night and I want that again.

Why Do We Hide Our Hearts?

For the longest time, all that I could ever remember was my heart on the line then broken for another man to find. That man got more from me than the one before him, but I could never commit and give for I felt like I had nothing. I hid my heart and gave him what I could in order to not lose him for I would do anything to not feel lonely. I would end up opening myself up once I could trust him. I would fall for him and he would have pieces of me. But then the inevitable would come and he would start backing away, and I would push him out because I couldn't bear him leaving me and feeling like I can't satisfy or keep him. This pattern has been going on since a part of me was ripped away. That one person took so much of me and left me with nothing that I swore after that I would never trust one man with my heart again until God gave me the okay. 


Ever since, I have trusted no man fully with my heart except for one and now he is out of my life, because we both were miscommunicating and trying to avoid pain. I took everything I had left and gave it to him and he just couldn't see how much I wanted to be with him so he distanced himself from me and I did what I always did and I pushed him out of my life for good. Why? Because I loved him.  I knew eventually he would find out that I am wounded and would leave to spare himself pain or take my pain on. As a result of trying to protect ourselves, we both have been left with a large wound and an ache for healing that has been ongoing. 


My heart is wounded from a blow long ago that has not healed. The numerous blows that followed from lovestruck men have left my heart crying for protection and crying to be locked away. I have tried to be vulnerable and not let it be a weakness. However, through my vulnerability I have recognized a pattern that I am sure many women can relate to. Dumped, rejected or heartbroken seeking for another man to love so the pain will fade faster and so the loneliness will be temporary. Loneliness it is avoided like the plague. 


I am now going on 20 with numerous wounds from love, and I see now that one cannot truly love until one has truly healed from previous loss. That in my humble opinion is only done through the healing from The Heavenly Father. He is the only one who can restore the heart. 


I have suffered enough. I am tired of struggling with the pain of being rejected and being the rejecter. How can I be captivating and beautiful if I am constantly hiding my heart and soul from everyone? How can I truly allow myself to be loved in entirety and give myself completely to a man one day if I cannot give my entire heart to its creator?


I have struggled to find an answer of why I always fail in relationships. The answer was simple but I was blind to it. I have too many wounds that have not received healing, because I did not allow my heart time to be restored by God. Now, all I want to do is allow God to take my heart and heal, restore, and fill it with love again. I know now that I have struggled for too long all because I did not surrender. I know now what to do. Too bad it took me numerous attempts and painful break ups to see it. Time heals all wounds. We have heard that phrase over and over. I believe time is necessary to heal all wounds, because not all wounds are truly recognized and acknowledged. Some are left undealt with due to a fear of the pain that will follow. Time allows God to mend the heart and while he is reaching out it allows us to receive his love that completely satisfies. It causes us to reflect on how precious we are and to keep our heart for someone special, someone who will treat our heart with respect and will cherish it forever. I know that seems like something written out of a fairy tale, but I believe it is possible with God. He writes our love story because he is the lover of our soul afterall. :)

The Y Generation Speaks

This is what the Y Generation feels and expresses every day.

These are the beliefs and cries of many young people today.

There are some hopeful encouragements, some simple

truths and some expressions clearly stated because of pain

and a loss of hope.

I exist in this generation and I know how difficult it is to live in this

generation and still be a dreamer.

To still have hope and still believe that a difference can be made.

I know how hard it is when one is not typical.

I know that society makes life more difficult than it has to be.

Thank God there is hope.

Thank God that there are people still who will fight

to make a difference and to encourage others not to give up.

I am in this group of people,

the group that is determined not to quit, and to see their dreams become a reality.

Many young people have questions that are not being answered.

Many young people have dreams that they still see as reachable.

There are many though that do not see themselves accomplishing their goals.

This blog I dedicate to those that fight to be the change this world needs.

To those who refuse to quit no matter life's circumstances. 

The ones that keep the faith and keep moving forward.

All of these came from tumblr.com. A place where young people can express freely and share with other young people. Youth have a voice here. Its time some of them are heard.

Passionate Realist: Randy Taylor

I attended a leadership seminar with Randy Taylor at White Oaks last night. To be honest, I went for a few principles. If I was inspired that would be a bonus. I just went for the hope of getting some answers. There was a wide range of people there from all walks of life looking for the same things: inspiration and a good serving of self-help and leadership principles.

Here's the coles notes version in my perspective:

 Sometimes, what people desire is to simply be inspired and to be given direction and principles to help them make a certain decision, or to make changes in their lives. However, I have come to realize that it is not inspiration that will cause us to change, it is simply a little dose of motivation. What brings about change is when we decide to "stop stopping," as Randy likes to say it. It is when we do not let the thoughts of doubt, fear, and negativity keep us from moving forward and making the change needed. He explained that, "Some changes in life are bold and brought about by a desire for more than the status quo. However, these are usually stopped dead in their tracks if the surplus of doubtful thoughts are allowed to pester and infiltrate our minds."

For isn't it true that when we have a dream or a goal that seems impossible or uunrealistic, it is when the doubtful thinking and "the voice" comes inside our heads filling us with negative thoughts that we cannot change because of this, that, and the other thing. It reminds us of our past failures and experiences and we suddenly begin to feel less and less confident and no amount of inspiration will get us to move when we stop. We stop moving with a dream or passionate change, because we end up letting that thought keep us in the same place. Doesn't matter where the thought comes from, if its from peers, or society. It stop us from taking the next step to making the dream a reality. What we need to realize is that its only a thought until we give that thought power to stop us.

As I was sitting here and he was describing his own journey. I thought about all my dreams as a kid and the ones that were blown off simply because someone told me I would never make it happen.
One negative comment I heard a lot as a child was "Get your heads out of the clouds. That doesn't happen for people like us." Another common was is "That doesn't make enough money. You need to do something that will bring in an income." How many times have you heard comments like these?

The truth is that as a child I remember having dreams and goals that I saw as reachable. It wasn't until people who had an influence on my life told me they weren't probable and were seen as farfetched, that I began to lose hope in my dream coming true. So it was cast aside. Randy Taylor explained (as I was having these thoughts), that deep down inside each of us we have a big dream that has been clouded over due to doubt, insecurity, and blurred perception. Doesn't mean the dream or passion is gone. It still exists, it has just been clouded over.

Afterwards, I began to feel awakened. I can live my dreams out in life. I can have a career I enjoy. I can be the 15% of people in the world that do not want to search for a new employer because their current position makes them content and happy. I can write my own screenplay for my life instead of following society's already dictated screenplay. I can choose to not follow what everyone else does. I can choose to go for more than the status quo.

So I am going back to the beginning. Back to ambition and passion that I once believed in as a child, before it was snatched away and replaced with the world's standards for my life. I want to know my passion and make it my life. I believe all things are possible for those who believe. I do. So I am taking a 6 month course and I am excited to discover my passion and work towards making it my reality. Wish me luck! I encourage all of you to think about this quote that Randy Taylor asked himself and lives out now: "Where you are now has nothing to do with where you can go."  As he says," We can look forward to Mondays."

Change in Direction

Life can throw curveballs as well as we all know, but what happens when those curveballs cause you to change your perspective and see other options that before never seemed to exist?
What happens is a change in direction, and sometimes a change in character.

I can personally say that I never thought I'd question a change in careers before I even started it. I can also say that I never thought that I would ever switch my program in university. I thought when I started it that I would finish the program till the end. But life isn't that cut and dry. Sometimes, a change in direction is needed in order to get back to where you need to be.

All I can say at this point is that I feel confident in my decision to switch programs and aspire to be someone who has the rights of children in mind. It is something that is dear to my heart, and even though I cannot go into detail about it right now, I know that this program will allow me options in the future and right now that feels really good. I am getting back to where I need to be. I was off track for a bit but now I am back in the direction I know god wants me to head in. That's enough right now for me to say that I am at peace and that I know which direction I am heading in.

My Aunt Shirley

Today has reminded me of how blessed I am for having my Aunt Shirley. She was my moral support today but often she does so much more. She is a best friend, a big sister to me, and someone that I can always depend on.  She has been through the rough with me and was able to help me overcome it and move forward. Today, she showed me how strong she is and how optomistic she is. I am so thankful for her heart of gold for she inspires me everyday to keep smiling no matter what is thrown my way. She is a shoulder to cry on and she always gives of herself, her time and love. She is unique and very special to me and I do not know what I would do without her. She knows how to give and support someone. I know that she will make some man very happy one day and I know that he would be lucky to have her. She is pure of heart and she has so much to offer this world. She is amazing and beautiful and I know that she is a beautiful daughter of the most High God and I believe he has amazing things in store for her. So I encourage anyone reading this to get to know her and truly see who she is inside and out. This blog I dedicate to her. I need a recent picture so if anyone has one please send it to me. Thanks:)

Who I am Now

Born human and a sinner.
Eternally righteous because of Him alone. 
Saved by Grace and covered by His blood.
Apple of His eye and more valuable than gold.
Cherished because I am His precious daughter.
Loved unconditionally and reminded of it constantly.
Blessed with all spiritual and natural blessings.
Beautiful because I was created by the most beautiful creator imaginable.

A sister in family and in spirit.
Intelligent yet continually learning and improving.


Not where I want to be but thank God I am closer to where He is taking me and where I need to be.
Broken down but I am seeking restoration from Him who heals and mends the broken hearted.
Empty but I will be filled with his living water so I will never thirst again.
Thankful that I have a Heavenly Father that will never abandon me.Forgiven for my debt has already been paid.
Humbled and completely surrendered to Jesus.

Strong because of his strength that is within me.
Healed because of the stripes that he took upon his back.
Perserverer because He is victorious and He always picks me back up.
Determined to press on and let nothing stop me from sharing the gospel.
Conqueror because of Him who won the ultimate battle.
Singer and worshipper for He is good and worthy of my praise and adoration.
Masterpiece for I was created by the magnificent artist and creator.
Captivating and far from typical for typical is so overrated.

This is who I am now. My mistakes and my past even in sum do not change the way God sees me.
He sees me as righteous no matter what I do or say. He is the one that will see me through all the confusion and misery and through all the good times. He will help me figure this all out and He is the one that I turn to when I am fallen down and I need assistance to stand. He Is and always will be the one who at the end of the day will always love and see me as forgiven and will look past my flaws and sins and will find me lovable even if I cannot see it myself. I encourage anyone who reads this to remind themselves of God's unconditional love and grace and remind yourself of all the things you are because of Him and only Him. He is worthy of our undivided attention and affection. It just took me this long to truly understand and see myself from His perspective and not from the world's perspective. He is the one that will always be there and because of his loyalty I see that am never alone and that I will always have someone to turn to. I will share this love with anyone I see for this is what people need. This is what the broken and hopeless are hungry for. They are seeking what the world cannot give. So when all else fails come as you are to the one who will never turn you away. Trust me he is the only one that never will. That is something to celebrate and be thankful for in itself. Praise God!! Amen.
 

Times

 I have much to say and I really do not like writing it all down so it is just so much easier to type it here. So here it goes...

There are many times when I am honestly just wondering what's to come next, especially when I keep getting hit with curve balls. After August ended I felt exhausted, and I continually asked myself when will it be time to rest and be able to genuinely feel happy again. There are times when we all just come to a point when we realize we need help. We cannot keep going on exhausted anymore. I have come to this point recently. I don't want to do it alone. I need Jesus and I need to reach out. There was a song I was listening to about times. Times when we are broken, times when we mend. Times when we feel like we are alone and times when all we feel is silence instead of answers. Tenth Avenue North wrote a song about times in which the lead singer talks about empty he is and how much he needs to hear God's voice and feel God's forgiveness and presence. The chorus and bridge is what God reveals to him. It is his encouragement through all the rough times. It has touched my heart and every night the words of this song has been replaying in my head. There are times when it feels that everything is chaotic but all you can hear is silence. Has anyone been here before? Recently, I have felt that God has been silent and I wondered why. This song reminds me that even though there are periods of time of silence God is still there. He never forsakes us and he is truly there in every season and in every time.

Times: Tenth Avenue North

Cannot Keep Going On Like This

This weekend has shown me where my brokenness has brought me to. I am broken. I am exhausted. This world has brought me to a dark place. My conformation brought me to a place that I never thought I would ever go. One night. That's what it took to see where I was heading and for the revelation that I needed to stop before I headed any further into more destruction. For the longest time I have tried to fill a void inside myself with everything but Jesus. Even though I am saved and I have accepted the gift of salvation that does not mean Jesus was my ONLY saviour. It wasn't until I came back from Guatemala and as I was listening to Pastor Randy's message of the woman at the well that I understood that Jesus was not my only saviour. Sure he was there and ever present but I wasn't giving him full control even though I thought I had. This revelation has shaken me in itself, but my choices over these past two weeks have shown me the evidence of my emptiness inside.

The choices I have made since I have come back from Guatemala have not been stellar. I have been lost ever since I have come back. Nothing is the same as it was before. Over in Guatemala, I had a purpose, a mission. I gave love unconditionally. I did not care about the luxuries, instead I focused on the beauty of God's grace and unconditional love. Over there I did not have the temptations of the world such as alcohol, sex/lust, relationships, and other worldly things. I was in a country that was poor and needing Jesus and what he could offer and I was humbled. I was not self-focused I was Jesus and people focused. I was so focused on the children and families. The children over there I have missed more than words can say. I feel like a part of myself wishes I could be over there with them right now. A child's innocence is precious. Innocence can be taken away too easily. Love from children, especially their hugs is something I could sure benefit from at this moment...

Being here in Canada has been a challenge. I realized that as soon as I returned the priorities of people were misplaced and disordered. My own priorities were in question and suddenly nothing seemed to matter anymore. What I wore and what I ate and drank didn't seem to matter as much in Guatemala in comparison to here. Things that I valued before I didn't seem to value as much when I got back. My heart longed for more. My soul needed a purpose and for some reason I was blind to it when I got back.

I have made more mistakes and greater mistakes that can affect the rest of my life in these past few weeks than I have in my whole life. I have never been so ashamed and lost then I am now. Numerous questions and fears have plagued my dreams and thoughts. I have never felt so confused, but this I know for sure. I cannot keep going on like this. I cannot fill the void inside me with the things of this world. A relationship will not satisfy me. The amusement of this world will not keep me from forgetting the emptiness inside, it just adds to it. I am remade because of what Jesus has done and because I accepted him as my Lord and Saviour. All of August has brought me to this one conclusion: I am empty because at one point or another I let the things of this world become my saviour instead of relying on the one and only saviour of my soul to be more than enough.  I got lazy and I got distracted. Now I am wide awake I smell the coffee and now I know that all I need is Jesus. He is truly the only one that can fill the void that has become deeper inside of me. He is the only one that I will live for. For the world needs people who are willing to be rejected and criticized in order for the message of God's acceptance and unconditional love to reach and change the lives of many who are broken as I am now. In my brokenness I see that I needed someone to be different and show me that the world's way of living is not the only way. There is a more beautiful and purposeful way of living.

I forgot it along the way. I fell away for a time and I am not even sure where I made a wrong turn, but I just went through the motions. I am just thankful that even when we fall away from the right path that God's love can still reach us and bring us back. There is no running away from His love. There is nothing that can keep you from his love. I know that now. It has been what has kept me going. I was lost but thank God I am found again. 

Unconditonal love Impossible Except Through The Selfless One

How many times have I come to my breaking point? How many times have I fallen to my knees because I just don't have the strength to stand? How many times have I loved and felt empty for the love I received didn't satisfy?

This week I am on my knees broken and weary and at complete surrender. Why? Well it's simple people disappoint. They hurt us and they wound us, some arrows striking us at our core. Sometimes we have high expectations for someone and when they fail to meet them we realize that they are human and people make mistakes. We are human but is that an excuse? Why do we accept that cop out?

 I have come to realize depending on humanity usually comes with multiple disappointments. When we put total trust in our creator, our Heavenly Father, the realization we come to is that He never disappoints and He will never wound us like others do in this lifetime. I don't know who is reading this but whoever it is I want you to know that the love of God is the only thing that satisfies. It is the only love that is not selfish and it is the only love that gives no ultimatums. Love for others in this lifetime is usually conditional, dependent upon what you give, what you say, what you sacrifice and how you behave. This love is shallow. It doesn't even come close to satisfying our soul. I have been in numerous relationships with different people from different walks of life and I can say certainly that romantic love does not satisfy the thirst in our souls. We will always feel incomplete and unsatisfied certainly longing for more. Why do think so many relationships fail? I believe a huge reason they do is because we love selfishly and we become unsatisfied of what we are receiving. As soon as we realize our unsatisfaction, we no longer desire to stay in that relationship. We long for more and then we search for someone else to give that to us. The problem is that only God's love completely satisfies and quenches our thirst. When we are satisfied with His love above all other things that is when we have healthy relationships and stop looking for someone else to complete us. The void is filled we then become focused on blessing someone else with love and affection. 

 People do not know how to give unconditional love and I am included in this. For humanity cannot comprehend how to give love without any conditions or expectations to receive in return. When we give love we want to receive love. It makes sense. When someone wounds you and causes you pain do you give unconditional love and expect nothing in return? No apology, no acceptance just giving love and not expecting that person to return the love?

Honestly, I have seen clearly that as humans we are just not capable of giving this love without the help of the only selfless one. His name is Jesus. He is the only one that showed unconditional love and publicly at that by going to the cross and sacrificing himself. Without him, we cannot give unconditional love. We try, but it is usually still with the hope of receiving it in return and we usually fail or the love we give becomes selfish over time. We want our desires to be fulfilled and we want them to be satisfied right away. We are not always patient, and we do not forgive easily especially when the other person we need to forgive has wounded us deeply and has not apologized for the wound they caused. It becomes a challenge that seems impossible, that is because we cannot do it in our own strength. So for whoever is reading this, (mostly speaking to myself) I say that we need to consciously ask our Heavenly Father and the spirit in us (our helper) to show love and give but not expect anything in return. We need to learn how to be a blessing to others and love them like Jesus does. We need to seek after Him first and foremost in order to truly understand what true love is so that we can then show the world what it is and what pure love looks like. It is a love that is not self-centered. It is a love that we must share with everyone we can, because that is the only way for people and this world to truly be changed.

I have come to the point where I see that I am incapable of loving people I am close to without wanting something in return. It is easy to love, forgive and pray for people that you have no personal ties to for you give love not expecting much of anything in return. For we are not attached quite yet. But loving someone that we have invested into can only be done through Him who showed us what true love is.

Thank God that He is capable and in your weakness his strength is made perfect in you. So I challenge all who read this to seek after Jesus first and love like Him knowing that you need his capability and grace in order to truly love like Him. He makes loving the impossible possible. Only through him can we receive and give pure and selfless love that will satisfy eternally. 

Procrastination

I took a break from writing about Guatemala for I honestly did not want to start writing 9 more days of stuff that half my journal has mostly about my experiences and intineraries in Guatemala... that's a lot of words that I just haven't seemed to get myself to talk about to anyone yet. I realize that I am a procrastinator and I am not proud of it. But through all that I am dealing with and the ache that is now like a fresh wound that is too raw to talk about, I procrastinate. I was writing about black and white lines and grey areas in my journal last night after being inspired, as an anlogy of how complicated life can be. Life is made up of grey areas and sometimes I use these grey areas to procrastinate and take my time deciding what I should or should not do and the consequences behind each possibility. Even though I had a concept I just looked at what I wrote and decided to just stop where I was just so I could procrastinate the last few lines for they were not coming like the others were. How pathetic am I?

Honestly, I just wish that I could be someone who could write exactly how I feel in such a beautiful and raw way and be able to put music to it. But I have tried and I continue to see that maybe I am just not cut out to be one of those people. Maybe through all my procrastination I see that I may never finish certain songs or poems. I may never produce an album or sing a concert. Honestly, I have tried and tried to find the right words to describe my week and my feelings but nothing seems to do it justice. So how could I expect to write a song or even lyrics when I cannot even describe how I am feeling right now. I just don't seem to have that ability like some people. So I write in my journal and keep it to myself and hope that one day I have the courage to take it to the next level.

Who knows maybe one day I will see things differently and be able to describe it as I see it and how God sees it. Who knows but until then I should work on not procrastinating and wasting time. Great... well at least I have the one who never rests with me.

Doubts and Indecision

I love him. I know and can verbally say it and not be ashamed or doubt it. Yet is that enough? It feels surreal still, him asking me if we could be something after all the time that has passed. There has to be more than love in order to make a relationship work with someone. I know this. I know that it is a two way street where both people must be on the same page and must also sacrifice somethings along the way as it progresses. It's been a while since I have been in a relationship for I never had the proper closure to move on. There was always a curiosity would he and I would get back together in the future?


It seems I am facing a crossroad in which I must decide which way I will go and with whom I will accompany along the way. Choosing means I must face the reality in which I could lose him forever this time. My heart breaks with the thought of it. I am no longer the same person I was when we first got together. We have both changed and its clear that he is willing to commit to me if I choose to be with him. He is heading in a direction that I can go if I choose to go with him but is it where I want to be? Clearly, God has a plan for my life that will not be typical I can't even say for sure that I will stay in Canada. So is it wrong to want to be cautious and not rush into a relationship when I cannot even say where I will be within the next year?

I know for a fact that there have been others that have captivated my attention even if it was just for a short while. Some fell short of my expectation but not him. He surpassed any of my expectations but there were a few things that I just wasn't prepared to deal with at 18. He is different I have never fully stopped loving him and I guess I am just contemplating whether or not that is because I was not meant to forget him and let him go fully. I know he will do everything he can to make it work as long as I share the same commitment. I don't doubt his love for me or how much he cares for me.

I doubt my own sentiments regarding our chemistry and whether or not it is enough for me to stay. I can't say our love is on fire, hot to the touch but I can say we share a deep connection that I rarely ever find with any man. I know that he is someone I have relied on in my life and I will lose a piece of me if we let each other go for good this time. There is no in between. No turning back just deciding whether or not we go forward. Does my hesitation mean this is simply foreshadowing the ending of us? My contemplation in my head stirred and stirred until now it is spiraling out of control. I must decide.

Now as I head towards 20 I see that I want different things. Intimacy is something I rarely give to anyone but God. I do not even know how to get that right since I have been done wrong in my past in that area of my life. I have not yet come full circle in which I can offer that part of myself. I know that he will certainly want intimacy who wouldn't? So I am left at am impass I do not believe I can cross.

The first time I laid eyes on him I knew things would begin with us. It took two years before a romance blossomed and grew. It lasted a few months before it fizzled due to the wrong timing. Now I face the flame again needing to decide whether or not I let the flame burn strong and see where this can take us. The alternative to blow it out and never relight it. He may not be the one for I doubt that I will satisfy his desires for I do not feel I can offer intimacy and the passion he desires as a man his age does. The gap between his own desires and mine leave me doubting if I could ever commit to him like he asks of me to. Now I stand at a crossroad sitting in the middle wishing and hoping for a clear answer from the only one that knows me better than myself. The one who orders my steps. The only one who has this situation figured out. My true and loving Heavenly Father.

Discovering my Identity Within Guatemala: Day 1

On July 15 of this year I ventured to Guatemala with a team of 5 (including myself) to grow, minister, and be living examples of Christ's love and grace. I left my family, friends, and my life here in St. Catharines to see what God had for me in Guatemala. These next few blogs just describe my journey in Guatemala, the pitfalls and amazing experiences that I was fortunate to experience due to all the sponsors and support I received. So first of all I'd like to say thank you to all of them. It is such a blessing!!! On to day 1...

I was first getting up at 4 am to leave for the airport I had a gut wrenching feeling that I would lose parts of myself and gain a new identity. Before I left, I felt as if I was at a crossroads separating living for myself and my own selfish desires or would I allow Christ to take the wheel and let my life be selfless. Everyone knows there comes a point in time where you must decide who you want to be and what you want your purpose in life to be and then walk in that. Before I left, I can honestly say I had no clue of what I wanted or who I was going to be I just knew where I was and who I was "supposed" to be. It was disheartening because I truly felt the person I was becoming was not the person I endeavored to be rather the product of living in a selfish and confused world. So I left what I knew and I am thankful for the opportunity for I found a new identity in the small and sketchy city of Chiquimulilla.

When I first arrived in Guatemala I noticed right off the bat that this would not be like home. My surroundings was an oasis as if I was completely cut off from all that I knew and I would have to be open to new insights and new living quarters and a different lifestyle than I am accustomed to at home. Fe Viva, a missions base and foundation would be my home for the next ten days. The people we all first met were the associates and directors of Fe Viva. Lars and Lyvanne were true servants of Christ leaving their life in Brtish Colombia to serve and minister to the people of Guatemala. Their daughter Meaghan was also joining their new life in Guatemala and it was clear to me that even though it was difficult to adapt, they all truly loved their new home for they had a purpose and the call of God on their lives kept them from looking back instead turning their eyes to the future and living the now.

The first thing I learned when staying at Fe Viva was not running within the base especially when it was raining. Now you would think that it is common sense, but when it is pouring rain and you see shelter ahead the first instinct is to walk as quickly as you can towards the shelter and enter quickly so you can escape the rain. Ha! I learned that the floors are very slippery when wet and its impossible to catch your fall when you are wearing flip flops so of course I fell 3 times before I realized there was no way you can escape falling if you do not take you time and just deal with getting soaked or carry an umbrella everywhere you go. Needless to say, I just learned how to deal with being soaked. The others of my team tried not to laugh but I could tell they were thinking to themselves how crazy these ten days were going to be since I wasn't exactly like them.

I also took things too literally so when Carla was saying we were going to "pick up guys" in bars I literally thought they wanted us to go to a bar and meet guys. I knew once I said it aloud that it was not what they meant. "Pick up guys" in Guatemala in their context means to pick up the alcoholics from the bar floors and bring them to House of Refuge ( Casa Refugio) in the back of the pick up truck. Whoops! O well it gave everyone a laugh and I learned it would be a lot harder to not say stupiud things then I thought it would be.  NOTE: There was no driving rules other than two people in the front must have working seatbelts. So I didn't even think picking up guys meant that. However, that was quite an experience especially since these men looked and smelt like they hadn't showered for a week at least and it was clear to me that they weren't very coherent most of the time. So ministering to these drunks and alcoholics about God's grace certainly gave me perspective and I knew that they needed to hear the message of God's salvation and grace even moreso. 

 I asked myself two questions the entire night: Why was I here in Guatemala? What was God wishing for me to learn and see? I know the next 9 days would help me answer them.

When I got home I was soaked because of course I couldn't find my umbrella before we left so I just dealt with being soaked. Actually it was kind of refreshing after a hot sweaty day.