Over the past weekend, I went camping to a place called the Pinery. It was a beautiful place with beauty, adventure, and a place for opportunities for God to speak. He did. This time he chose to speak to me through a family of wild turkeys.

I was walking in a forest along a path frustrated, for it felt that my friend and I had been walking the path forever and getting nowhere special. I was losing patience. I heard that still voice inside saying, "Pay attention." So as normal, I kept going and as I came around a corner I realized something was moving in the leaves. Sure enough, a group of wild turkeys were walking in a line across the path. As I observed them quietly I saw a few things:

1)      The turkeys were walking in unison and walking straight ahead.

2)      No turkey was out of line.

3)      The turkeys trusted their leader to cross them safely.

  4)      One baby turkey needed some help crossing and so the last turkey nudged him one foot at a time till he crossed safely. (The baby must have been terrified and did not want to cross with us watching him). 

This created a beautiful picture that reminded me that there are times in our lives where we trust the leader just like many of the little turkeys did, safely and confidently without straying. There are other times when we are the leader and people are following us for we are giving them direction or guidance in an area of their lives. Sometimes though, we are the turkey at the end that needs patience to extend a helping hand to the one who is trailing behind or who needs some help along the way.

How many times have you been the baby turkey who just needed some pushing from God to keep moving straight ahead? How many times have you needed to just take it one step at a time so that you could at least keep moving forward? Have you ever been the turkey who needed to help someone else who was struggling to keep moving forward in life and realized you needed patience?

Life has many circumstances, some in which you are leading and trusting fully, and other times when you need some convincing and a little nudge. God reminded me though that there are times in our lives that we need to help someone take one step at a time and not rush them on their journey. We have all heard the saying that “patience is a virtue,” but I am learning it is the key to helping others progress forward. 

The bible says in 1 Thessalonians 5:14 New International Version (NIV),

¹⁴ And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

It also says in Ephesians 4:2 (NIV),

² Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

What I can see from both verses is that we must learn to be patient with everyone, the strong and the weak, the disheartened and the courageous. We must be patient and endure with each other and ultimately do it in love. This is a task that requires time and taking it one day and one step at a time. What would have happened if the last turkey pushed the baby across? Would the baby feel confident the next time it had to cross? The baby turkey is better off learning how to cross on its own. It just needed a little encouragement. God always gives us time and space, but he gives us the encouragement and sometimes a nudge to keep moving forward and make it past the obstacle. God knows it starts with a step.

One foot in front of the other is a good way to approach life. Many times I have been the baby turkey just trying to take one step at a time with a little nudge from either from parents, a mentor, or God himself. However, lately I have been the one in line nudging people to keep moving forward. This has been a challenge for it is not easy to get someone moving if they want to remain still and where they are. However, God has shown me to appreciate the little steps and don't worry about the time it takes to get to the destination. He gives the patience for everyday we just need to walk in it. God doesn't fret and neither should we. Just like the baby turkey we will eventually all arrive at the destination, despite any hesitation along the way.

One foot in front of the other is a good mantra. But let's remember that it’s not just a cute saying or song, we truly need to appreciate the little steps and sometimes being willing as leaders to give the little nudges. For we are all going to cross and arrive if we work together. We can learn something from the wild turkeys. No one is the weak link everyone at times is like the little turkey, we just need a little help to get there. 

Be Still and Know that I am God

This is for all those who are struggling with living day to day not knowing what tomorrow brings. This is for those who cannot say where they will be or what they will need to face. This is for all those who are hurting, and who cannot see past the sins of today. God is reminding us, "Be still and know that I am God." You do not need to worry or fear for tomorrow or today. He knows it all and He is with you waiting for you to come to him and rest in the fact that you are unknowing but He is all knowing. He will give you the strength, the courage and everything you need to face today and the tomorrows of this life. This is a reminder to us all that He is God we need only to rest and trust that He is faithful and He will never change.

Fill in your name here,

Be still and know that I am God. I will never betray you or forsake you. You may not know my plan but its been figured out beforehand. Let every day happen and trust that I have every detail worked out. I know the path that you will walk and I know the steps that you will take, and the mistakes that have been made and the ones you still have yet to make. I know what you are capable of and I know what you are capable of with me working through you. Do not let the trials overwhelm your soul. Rest and know that I am God. I am your Father, creator, the one who knows your every thought. I know that you are weary and need rest, I have prepared for this. I know that you can't make sense of it right now but know that I am God. 

I will walk through the valley alongside you and comfort you through every dip and rejoice with you through every victory. I know where there is a resting spot where you will refill and replenish. I know every moment in which you become dry and need my living water. Be still know that I am God. The God of everything, the God who will satisfy your every thirst and provide for your every need. I am the lover of your soul, the healer and restorer. I know you may not know where the next step will take you and what the next day will bring but I know. Be still and know that I am your God the author and finisher of your faith. You need not know what the next day will bring for I have already set things in motion. I have sent you help. I will be your peace. I am God. Trust that the battle has already been won. You have the victory. You will not perish when you are with Me, your God. 

 I do not condemn I uplift. I take all things and work it for my good. My love is unfailing and unchanging no matter the foolish things you have done and will do. I have forgiven you of all sins. I will continue to forgive you and love you even when others walk away from you. Be still and know that I am God. I am the only God. Assuredly I say to you that I will not leave you in the valley. I will move the mountains and calm the raging seas. I will ease your doubt and remind you that I am God. I am always here for you. Believe in Me. Love and trust and know that I am God. Be still rest in this truth. Hold onto every word. 

Sincerely, 

Lover of your Soul 

Pruning: Step in the growth process

I have not written for anything for a long while for I did not feel that I had anything important to say or it was too hard for me to share at the time. But this time, I thought what the heck if someone cares to read it then they can, if not it would at least help me process my thoughts. So here it goes...  Earlier this year, I had no full-time job, no prospects for the future and I was restless and full of anxiety of the unknown. I felt as though I was in a waiting room. I rested, did what I could in my part-time job and worked on accomplishing small goals I had for this year. I had maybe one piece of the puzzle. If anyone has ever been there you can maybe understand why I was feeling restless.

Honestly, I knew in my heart that eventually I would find my place and the puzzle would be revealed. I knew that eventually God would reveal himself and his plan for my life. He would give me hints right? Eventually, that's what I kept telling myself. Little did I know, I would have to endure a long process of pruning before I would or could even see another piece of the puzzle revealed for I would not be able to handle or see the bigger picture..not yet. See, sometimes, God needs to remove the unnecessary, prune the dead branches, so to speak. He needs to remove what will hinder our growth and process, otherwise we will not bear any fruit or be able to do what God has called us to do.

Anyone who knows me knows that I struggle with opening up my heart to people. I do not trust easily and sometimes I cannot trust at all. Imagine for a second a fruit tree full of dead branches mixed in with a bunch of fruit producing ones. The soil is fertile and it is clearly getting lots of water, however, the dead branches are clinging to the growing ones. The newer branches are struggling to stay connected to the tree. This is the picture of my life before and why God has found it necessary to prune all my dead branches, the dead branches of envy, jealousy, resentment and brokenness. They were clinging to me and stealing all the nutrients out of my life and preventing future growth. the dead branches were full of disease that God wanted to remove.

I have struggled to put the past behind and I still often daily have to give it to God. Honestly, I had a lot of things that God needed to prune away from me. One by one he has. This was a painful process for there were a lot of painful memories that were relived. So much anger and resentment had to be given up and I fought to give it to God for I felt as though it became my identity over time. What would I be without it?
Identity displacement, retrieval of painful memories and lots of crying did not seem worth it at the time. I kept asking God "have you had enough why are you removing these things"? I questioned his process for I could not see at the time how damaging the memories, regrets and resentment were to my present and my future. I could not see that it was vital to my process and to my walk with God.

I could not see the picture on the box I just saw every piece in a messy pile. It did not make sense. Have you been here before. This process has been an ongoing process but it started to truly hurt this past month. For I lost a relationship, unearthed a painful ordeal and put to rest some issues with people. But like any process, there are always phases where there is more pain and others where there is more joy. Pruning, however, I realize is a process that is necessary for healthy growth. I look now at the past month, the past year, and I see God's faithfulness and I see now that he knows what I need and when I need it, and sometimes we need to feel the pain before we can heal.

So if you have some dead branches that need to be pruned from your life do not be afraid to give it to God for there is nothing more rewarding. The process may be difficult and it may take some time but in the end God takes the dead branches so that you can have healthy ones take lift and truly produce wonderful things. I see that now and I am amazed at how wonderful our creator and our Heavenly Father is for only he can take the pain and bring joy.

I have been resting and reminding myself daily of the truth in this chapter found in John (NIV translation):

The Vine and the Branches

15 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.,"

Rest assured that when you remain in our gardener's care and allow him to prune you, you can trust that you will not only be connected to the source of life, but will also be taken care of and produce good fruit. Giving our dead branches may be a difficult thing for sometimes they become a part of us, however the reward is much greater than the pain of losing them. 

Drifting: After the Storm

Imagine you have been sailing heading North towards the straight in which you need to help you reach your destination, when all of a sudden a strong wind pushes against the sail causing an overcoming pressure that redirects the sailboat to head West instead of North. Gusts of wind increase and the sail starts to bend beneath the power of the wind. A wave crashes against the side of the boat and you feel the water rise to your ankles. You now are focused on taking the water that went over the side and you are stressing over any possible leakage or damage that this surge of water may cause. In the meantime, there are gusts of winds that are strong enough to topple the boat, and that is when a light bulb goes off in your mind, and you remember you need to drop anchor. 
All this time, you are exhausted from trying to remove the water and trying not to panic and focus that you can't even remember how far away from your course you are headed. You have no vision or idea of where you could go, so you just stay and await the end of the storm, realizing that it has altered the plan and there is no backup plan as of now. You decide to try to get some rest and hope that the anchor will keep the boat in place and that the winds will eventually cease. Zzzzzz.....you nod off.

The sun peaks from the clouds and the wind stills. It is now morning and as you awake you realize that you are nowhere near to where you have been. The storm has caused you to go so far off course and the sails are torn.  There is no sign of anything familiar up ahead and as you rise from your place you took refuge from the storm, you realize you are drifting into unfamiliar territory and you have way to contact anyone. You realize you are drifting.

This has been a reoccurring feeling in my life at this point in time. I feel like I am drifting, not going anywhere, no direction just drifting into unfamiliar territory. Terrified. Lonely. Without any direction. Even though I am living every day, I know that what I do each day is not purposeful its as if every action I make is just another one to keep me coasting to the next day. I feel but I can't rest. I have tried countless times. I drift in and out of rest and pain from the overwhelming blows from the storm, a storm that figuratively represents the constant struggle to believe when I do not see the destination. The fight and struggle to keep moving despite not knowing where I am travelling. My heart is torn between feeling secure and insecure due to the overwhelming opinions and doubts that come against my faith. I am aware that the struggle will end, but I am aware that I have drifted and I am unsure of what rocks are up ahead that I could drift into.

I take courage though I am weary and restless. I'm drifting, gradually changing my direction with no idea of where I will stop. Life has storms but many people do not realize the struggle doesn't end after the storm. For there is still the drifting, the uncertainty that reminds you that even though the storm is over you still haven't made it to your destination. You need more fight in you to fix the sails, remove the water, bring the anchor back up and continue on with no compass to direct you.

What I hold onto is the truth that my Saviour is my compass and he will not let me drown. I just wish I knew how to understand what direction he wants to take me. But for now I am drifting until he directs me to drop anchor.

Living Within The Fog

July 10, 2013

I just found not too long ago (less than a week) that I was not accepted into the Honors program for my last year of University. I have the grades and experience but I was just among 10 that were not accepted because there weren't enough teachers to teach the program that I wanted to take. My education upto this point has not left me with many open doors. I had a plan and I believed that that I would have one year left and then I would graduate and look for a job. The problem with life is that plans rarely end up unfolding like that. Now I am a 3rd year soon to be graduate and I am looking ahead and all I see is fog. I am surrounded by uncertainty, and doubt and in the midst of it, a still voice calling me forward asking me to trust and keep moving. 

Has anyone else been here? Living among the fog that clouds my view. I feel I am living with no clear vision of where I am going. The voices in my head mocking me as I continue through the fog blind. "The Lord is with me," David said as he was facing his darkest moments. He was brave and courageous yet throughout Psalms it clearly shows that David had some weak moments and felt as though he was drowning and full of anguish and loneliness combined with confusion and exhaustion. Moses was probably thinking when he was staring at an ocean, "No where to go but through, somehow? He must have asked,"Now what? A million times over. God made a way. 

God provides and I know this from all the times he has provided for me. Yet I still somehow, forget that through the fog he remains beside me, maybe silent, but still beside me. He won't let me be led astray. He won't stop providing. The goal at this point is to keep moving, keep living and trusting that as I remain faithful he will lead me and show me his ways. 

So I may move slower because I am blind but I won't stop despite the obstacles I have yet to encounter. I know He will not fail me. 

Until then I will take heart the lyrics of this song and hold fast.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIpIHfZ88PM&feature=endscreen&NR=1

Progress as small as it is

Wow, I just realized how long its been since I have posted. To be honest I just haven't known what to say. Do I say that I am struggling to be content with where I am now even though the bible says I clearly should feel that way? Do I say that I feel a constant cloud over my head that I am fighting to see sunshine through it? Or should I say that lately that I just honestly can't seem to find a job and I think the biggest reason is because I clearly am lacking something though I have no idea what?

For the past month or so I have been fighting depressive moods and fighting being discontent while trying to survive the days and challenge myself to strive to do better. My mind is constantly plagued with the enemy's lies and I am constantly having to speak the word to myself just to keep pressing on. So as you can probably tell I am barely surviving. But you know the funny thing my grandpa is in the hospital today and all I could think about was how on Earth can I deal with this on top of everything else? How selfish is that? But on the bright side I also did stop my day to be with my dad, grandpa and grandma through all the waiting. So I can see that I am clearly making progress because today I woke up and didn't want to even get out of bed but today I helped support my grandma, and my dad and that required me sitting in a hospital waiting room, also seeing the paramedics load him unto a stretcher and run tests and I also handled the schizophrenic/obsessive compulsive man in the waiting room who kept tapping the window, dropping his food and clearly irritating everyone around him. I call that progress. I may not be where I want to be right now but I am starting to see progress even if progress is just getting out of bed and sitting in a hospital waiting room instead of watching tv all day. To me this is progress.

I look forward to Elevation Church's meeting tomorrow! Being a part of a new church that is preparing to launch in the GTA gives me a reason to get out of bed tomorrow and for that I am thankful!

Reflections On This Year

I can honestly say without a doubt that this is the craziest, life changing, and challenging year yet for me. I have gone through new first experiences, including learning a new culture firsthand. I have explored who I am further and I have pushed my boundaries. However, I really want to focus on the accomplishments that I can say were challenging to achieve.

How many people can say they have lived in another country away from home knowing that they would have to relearn how to "be" in order to fit in with the locals and acquire their respect. Honestly, I was terrified to embark on the journey to learning a new culture and pushing my own boundaries and pushing myself to see how much I could handle. I have fed monkeys, worked with children who did not know much English and I had to learn different ways of communicating with them and teaching them so that they could acquire new knowledge and grow. I was forced to unlearn a few things and be open to a whole new way of teaching. I struggled to embrace their ways at first but as soon as I put aside my own ambitions and knowledge I gained a greater appreciation for learning and for mentorship. The teachers I worked with truly taught me how to live, how to see the bigger picture and how to think on the fly. Teaching a class of 50 children is tough enough try doing it in a cramped classroom with limited resources and not knowing the language. It gives a whole new perspective on what's difficult and the teaching styles that you learn in university are definitely tested. The journey to living in Ghana and acquiring a more complex understanding of culture and what it means to live, in different contexts. I truly believe you haven't lived until you learn a new culture. There is so much to gain from being without a clue to learning how to cope and acquire the skills to embrace your new surroundings. The people I met, and the relationships I have made in Ghana alone are truly blessing from God that I thank him for giving to me this year.

Another part of my year was the relationships and learning about myself and what I want. Lately, I have realized (a little late but rather late than never) that you can never truly turn to the next chapter unless you let the previous and everything in it go and realize that you only take memories and lessons with you but that once you leave it in the past you can't ever go back to the way it was. You can't begin a new start with somebody new if you still think about the old and compare other people to what you had. Learning about who you are requires looking at the choices that you made in the past and understanding what went wrong, what went right , and how you can improve so that you don't make the same mistakes and so you can avoid going in circles. I have loved and I have lost. I have learned the hard way that distance makes love much harder than you ever think it will be. I have learned that determination in a relationship isn't always enough. You can fight to keep something alive and it could still die and its hard to accept that. People who are married understand that love or I should say the feeling of love fades and after the honeymoon phase the hard work begins. One day I will experience that for myself and see how hard that is. However, for now I can honestly say that love is only hard when you have to try so hard consistently. Loving is easy when the other person loves you in return and accepts you for who you are its not so easy when you have to love someone the way God loves us. I have learned that unconditional love and romantic love are very different and each require God. I could have saved myself so much pain and heartache if I just let God have the control and trusted him with the outpouring of my love. A new year brings new chances to get it right and love like he did and still does.

Lastly, I have to come the place of humility and I have reflected and I have seen the challenges of this year including the loss of my opa and learning what it means to mourn and go through the storms that come with that. I am grateful for all those who are in my life that have supported me and love me and have been by my side. You are all so beautiful and I am grateful for all of you! This year has had its ups and downs, its wow moments and I am sure like most of you, it has had some new realizations and new experiences. I am going into this new year with a fresh outlook on life and I am walking in with new resolutions that I will be accomplishments that I will write about next year. Happy New Year Everyone! Let's make this a year that we can look back on and say I accomplished what I set out to do!

Leaps of Faith: Ghana here I come!

Hey everyone,

I apologize for the tardiness of this post. Life has been so busy and I have been working diligently, and contemplating life daily so that I could write this post. The title of this post is to describe the past few months of my crazy, beautiful and unpredictable life. I have gone through quite the "pruning" process. I say this as a metaphor as if I was an  apple tree and the dead branches or branches that were not needed were being cut and pruned until I was ready to bear fruit. These past months have been trying for I have been tested and I have undergo a gradual transformation.

Here is an update:

For the past few months I have been praying about an incredible opportunity: Being an ambassador for Brock University and Canada in Ghana, West Africa for 3 months (well 83 days to be exact) through the Global Transitions Program. I was offered the opportunity back in march and I had to decide whether or not I was going to apply. After further contemplation, I decided to take the risk and I applied. Surprise to me, I actually was accepted! Out of all the students at Brock University I was chosen to be one of the 11 people to be accepted. It was quite humbling to know that I passed the interview, and the tiring application process and to find that the leaders of the program thought I was ready and the right person for the program. I never imagined such an opportunity to be dropped in my lap and all I had to do was accept and apply. But of course, hesitation set in especially once I saw the cost! It was not going to be easy to accumulate the funds, find a summer job, prepare for the trip and do all of this while battling depression. But when God says all things are possible through Him (Christ Jesus) in me, he wasn't lying. I had to first pray about it and when I felt peace I then told people about the opportunity I had been given. Some people were excited for me and some were not. I realized pretty quickly after no luck at job searching in St. Catharines, that it wasn't going to be easy to accumulate the 2000 dollars I needed to pay the final payment of the program fee. But when God makes a way he makes a way!

Short story: My dad knew my lack of success in acquiring a job in St. Catharines. So while searching on kijiji for computer parts (his hobby), he decided to check job listings for my brother and I. To his surprise and mine, he found a job add that we both knew was a God given opportunity: To do laundry at a special needs camp in Parry Sound. Remember: God always has a plan. And the doors he often opens are usually not ones we were expecting. Sure enough I applied and got the job a few days after. So off to camp I went two weeks after.

Now understand doing laundry was not what I had in mind for my summer, however I was grateful to get the exact amount I needed when I finished my contract so I continued working diligently. I was even blessed with a christian laundry partner for my first month. I got to mentor some kids in the evening too and make some great relationships. I struggled being away from my Christian support for so long, and I felt so tempted due to all the temptations that existed being a non-christian camp and all. I made mistakes and found grace. However, little did I know it would just get harder. Sure enough after a month of exhaustion but of great times with my laundry partner, she decided to quit. All of a sudden I was without my partner and friend stuck with a ton of work to do. She was my only support and I was losing her. Looking back, I believe that God turned an awful situation and taught me how to trust him.

All I could do was go to him. I felt alone, hurt, rejected, and just cast aside. Everyone treated me different when my laundry partner left. They treated me as an outsider and it was because I never left the laundry room due to the pile of laundry I was left with daily to do by myself. I didn't understand but I knew somehow that God had a plan I just didn't know what he was up to. Sure enough a new laundry attendant was hired and she was nothing like the previous one, especially since she was an atheist. God has a sense of humour, because she and I couldn't be anymore different. She loved heavy metal I was a worship leader who enjoyed some acoustic, country, pop and rock and obviously God-centered music. So to make the best of it, I prayed for her on my own time and risked getting hurt and rejected and I shared my life and testimony with her. It brought us closer and all of a sudden we were listening to christian music together. I truly believe seeds were sown that will one day be harvested.

During the last month, I decided to join a bible group with a few of the christian counselors that God had divinely placed there. We all grew stronger in the Lord and suddenly we all craved more and more of his spirit and his presence in our daily lives. Temptation still existed and I still made mistakes, but I was loved and constantly reminded of it and I was set free from condemnation all because of his grace. So I was able to press on and finish the two months despite what the enemy threw at me. And boy did they try to hurt, wound, and destroy my faith and me. Praise God I was victorious and the Lord and I just grew closer and the enemy lost the battle. It was a leap of faith from the start and I am glad I decided to go to the camp and trust God because I learned so much and became so much stronger.

When I returned home, I was anxiously awaiting the two week countdown for Ghana. I had gone to an orientation during my days off from camp and I got to meet all the people I would be going with and I got to find out what I was to expect within the upcoming weeks. So of course, I researched Ghana in my free time at camp and tried to prep as best as I could. However, there was still so much to do as I was awaiting the departure date. A few of them being: vaccinations, acquiring a visa, getting anti-malaria meds, shopping, and of course packing. I also visited with people and catch up with friends and family which was more fun than my errands but still required my time and energy. I enjoyed catching up with people but it was bittersweet because I was reminded that I will be away from all of them for 3 months. It made me sad and anxious. But I remembered the Lord will have placed people there in Ghana for me to build relationships with and skype is always good to use to keep in touch. Sometimes I love technology!

Honestly, this is my longest trip out of the country so far and that can be a little intimidating. I got nerves but I also have excitement so it balances out. I leave for Ghana in 10 days (September 12th 2012) and I will not return till December 3rd 2012. This is my leap of faith this year. I am leaving everything I have ever known to go live in and experience another culture which is very different from my own. I will be without the comforts of my home, with people I don't really know and even strangers. I will encounter dangers I am sure. I will encounter beauty and lots of beautiful people and places. It will be an adventure start to finish!

Please pray for me that I will be safe, healthy, and bold so that I can be a light and share Jesus through my actions and behaviour. Thank you to all of you who have been a part of my journey thus far and I thank you for those who have encouraged me in this season of my life. I will be posting updates through Facebook and Tumblr. Here is The link: http://obruniwithinghana.tumblr.com

Now you can share alongside me in my journey and learn more about Ghanaian culture.

With love,

Chantal

Falling Deeper for Someone: What a Process!

The butterflies, laughter, and sweet utterances are great and all, but I am realizing that falling in love is much more enjoyable and worth it when two people change to be better people for the other and for themselves. How amazing it is when people love you as you are, but also encourage you to be the best you can be and live up to your amazing potential. Romance and writing hearts and saying " I Love You," and all the little things that go with falling in love is sweet and it definitely doesn't hurt, but there is so much more to love than what the media shows us and so much more than just the physical love that many desire and is often selfish (ecstasy not purity). There is sacrifice, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance and most of all there is a commitment to be there for each other or give space when they need it; to be the other person's half , recognizing of course that God completes us. It is combining your interests with someone else's. It is learning to be patient and letting love be spoken in action than through words alone. There is so much to love, that I get the privilege to learn how to give love, and to be able to spend my entire lifetime knowing my Heavenly father's love for me, but also the love from my future husband and one day, from my children. 

It is a process to love someone. I used to think it was just something that happens over time that is magical though painful at times. I used to see love as a concept that couldn't be explained as if it was an extreme emotion that had many different facial expressions. As I mature and truly learn who I am, I see that love is everything that 1 Corinthians 13 says it is. From the Message, I was reading it and I couldn't help but want to share it with all who read this:

The Way of Love

 ¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. ^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. 

   Love never gives up. 
   Love cares more for others than for self. 
   Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. 
   Love doesn't strut, 
   Doesn't have a swelled head, 
   Doesn't force itself on others, 
   Isn't always "me first," 
   Doesn't fly off the handle, 
   Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, 
   Doesn't revel when others grovel, 
   Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 
   Puts up with anything, 
   Trusts God always, 
   Always looks for the best, 
   Never looks back, 
   But keeps going to the end. 

WOW! I am glad I have a lifetime to experience this love and learn how to love like this myself. What and incredible God we have who gives us this love already unconditionally. 

I am going to strive to love like this. I know I won't be able to even grasp half of this scripture until I am much wiser and older but I will STRIVE to live out this love in my family, my relationship, and in relationships I have now and the ones I will have in the future. 

I encourage all of you to love like this and ask God to help you love like he does. 

This love is difficult to give but not impossible. It is a process but one that God will take each one of us through.

  

Serenity

Sky after sunset at Municipal Beach

There is nothing like the calm after the storm, or the waves after the tide has been washed back. There is a stillness after a sunset that makes you reflect on all the memories of the day preparing for the night to fall and cover you with a glimmer of light from only the stars above. I love the ripples that reflect the shades of light that mirror the fallen rays of sun. The seagulls  squawk, the birds sing their final song for the day, the mosquitoes come out to play and there is nothing like the watercolour painting spread within the skyline. I cannot imagine waking up to the morning’s version of this beautiful setting everyday. It would be a dream of mine.  

Serenity, something that calls upon each of us in its smallest voice to bring us back to our equilibrium where everything is right and as it should be. The crave of activity, connection and a chance to live out life’s greatest moments is paused. The silence of the noise in life is minimal and the still small voice of our lover calls to us. His breath of song is sung by the songbird in its quiet melody, his voice as the swish of the waves soft but heard nonetheless. 

It beckons our soul to be at peace, to rest in the serenity of his presence that surrounds and engulfs us. 

Do we take the time to let our souls be engulfed in the love and depth of his peace and let him romance us? 

Serenity is short lived, taken for granted as if only taking it in for a moment before life picks up again in its hectic state.  I for one have never appreciated the serenity in all of its glory. If only for a moment I could I let my mind be an abyss of nothing and focus on the thoughts the heart and spirit that I often shut out due to the other voices drawing my attention away. 

Often brief and fleeting it is, so it must be cherished and appreciated as a time for thought, reflection, and gratitude. It allows us to be optimistic and live the rest of the day out in purpose and with an attitude of resting in Jesus. How beautiful it is to surrender in the God given serenity and allow our hearts to be filled with the peace and joy than comes from him. How amazing is our God!

New Year: New Part of the Journey

It has been a while since I have written anything, that is mostly because I have been so busy trying to figure out things in my life. School this semester has caused me to ask questions I have never asked before such as " What is the purpose of this degree I am working hard towards?" I have wondered " Where exactly am I wishing to go after my education?" These are questions that every undergraduate asks, however, just recently they have become all I can think about.


I remember when all that was important to me was to love and worship God, be liked, to learn how to sing, and to know how to make my mom's homemade spaghetti, and now it seems like I am entering a whole new realm of responsibility and inquiry.  One that I cannot say I am excited to enter into.


Just last year, I decided that I would start trying new things, opening my mind to new ideas and possibilities making the most of each day. I realize with new possibilities come new choices to make. Some easier than others. 


By March I have to know if I am going to do the honours program, graduate a year early or do an exchange program for a year. Too many other options exist that would exhaust my brain so these are the ones I have it narrowed down to. Who knows maybe I could go to another province and do a year there. The world is full of possibilities. Question that plagues my mind is how do we know which possibility to take hold of and run with?


Any thoughts?

Cleaning Out the Clutter

So we all know what time of year it is and we all know the amount of tidying up and cleaning out that needs to be done in preparation for the holidays. I am sure all you guys are busy tidying up and buying gorceries to prepare for family dinners and christmas spectacles. The Christmas clean for my family this year will take a week, because our house is currently in renovation mode. So I decided to get started and do a little tidy of my own that started with the entire kitchen, vaccuming, and my current spare room. Afterwards, I came to the conclusion that my email inbox could also need some emptying and sorting in order to prepare for the new year. So needless to say, I went through hundreds of old messages, photos, and even letters and it brought about some questions.

First, I must say that an organized email makes life a whole lot simpler. Less clutter is always good but organization makes things a lot easier to find. However, deleting certain items was not easy especially the ones of a personal nature. Who knew I would have so many letters from a few years back that still didn't have a folder or place to go. Some of them brought up happy memories for example the one of what music to listen to when you need to jump on the bed and just let yourself go and not think so hard (that came from a need to destress after a tough paper or exam). Others were more of a serious nature including proclamations of affection, or of friendship or of loss. All of the messages needed to be sorted and I was determined to do it.

It turns out I had a lot of old messages that included songs I used to replay over and over again, photos of my friends and I in high school and even some from hikes I took, and kids I lead in camp. These were amusing to go through and I realized then that some pictures were never posted because I either forgot or I procrastinated. So the good news is that the photo of me being a cheerleader for a day can be hidden away in a folder for a few more years and the photos of friends and myself being goofy can be posted in old albums or in my room. The other side to these new findings were the emotions they triggered. It is amazing how pictures can trigger emotions that you have buried and words in letters are played over and over again in your mind to the tune of the first time they were read. I remembered the first time I opened some of the messages and the reactions I had. I even remembered the song that was playing in the background when they were opened. My long term memory was being tapped into and I can say that some of the messages were too difficult to open, because I realized they would always carry certain ties to past relationships either romantic or plutonic. I began to ask myself is letting go of the reminders of what has been really necessary in order to move on or should certain things remain?

Tell me readers. What do you think?

Is it necessary to let go of the remnants of our past? If so, is there a perfect time to let them go?

All Out Of: What do we lack in Christ?

I was sitting down and eating breakfast when I looked upon my fridge at the grocery list pad. The title is All Out Of, hence the title of this blog. It made me think of what I am all out of in my life. Sometimes, there are moments when everything seems clear and bright days are a plenty. Other times there are feelings of emptiness and we feel that we lack things of significance such as hope and joy. I was reflecting on the emptiness that exists within humanity and the void that is never filled until Jesus fills it with his unconditional love and goodness. At times, I forget how much I have in the one who filled the void inside of me. I will feel like I lack if I am dependent upon my own strength and provision. I will always see myself as having little if I do not look through the eyes of faith. In Christ I have all good things. This I was reminded of as I sat down for breakfast. It never ceases to amaze me how a situation or day can seem bleak through our own eyes, and that as soon as we have eyes of faith and trust in our saviour and provider, we can truly be thankful and joyous again. A change in perspective can turn an entire day around. I found that out today.

A simple grocery list made me create a list of things I felt I lacked at this time in my life. The Lord encouraged me to instead crreate a list of what I have in Him. I encourage all of you to do the same.



Changing Old Patterns

I voyaged to Toronto for a few days to find solace and reflect. Ironic, because it is a city full of chaos and constant noise and movement. It was very difficult to find peace and quiet but it was accomplished.
When I left St.Catharines, I expected to find some identity, something to help me find my way back. I don't know, but somewhere along the way I  lost my identity of self as a single young woman. I have attempted relationships and some I truly gave everything I could to try to make it work, and some I let go due to the fact that it wasn't what I was looking for in my life. I was stuck in a pattern of not being alone and I avoided being alone whenever possible.The pattern I created for myself has been one that I recently only recognized as one that I need to break. The problem with breaking patterns is that a pattern is formed over a long period of time, and they are not easy to change. Once they have been established they are hard to break. I have been a relationship addict, and now for the first time I am single with no ties to any guys that way I can truly find identity set apart from them.

I was sitting my hotel room reading Set Apart Feminity by Leslie Ludy, which God purposely kept unread until now. It is helping me recognize my idols. Idols are things that take your affection and attention, things that we place value in that can cause us to live a shallow and non set-apart life. I realized I was placing my affection, trust, and time in things and people who could not save me or add purpose to my life. I lost intimacy with my Heavenly Father, because I became distracted by the worldly pleasures and things of little value in Heaven. I can say without a doubt that losing my connection with my first true love has caused me to seek affection and love elsewhere which hurt myself and others. Human nature is selfish and greedy. It asks for everything and gives little in comparison to what is received. I became selfish without even realizing it.

Selfishness is satisfying the flesh. Giving usually requires starving the flesh. Living a life for Christ requires starving the flesh from worldly pleasures and lusts. I have now decided that I would take some time and be single for a while. I need to go back to my true love. My saviour who saved me and gave me life and purpose. I am breaking old patterns with his help and guidance. I am going to be set apart from the world and choose instead to give everything to the one who deserves it.. This is a radical decision that I am now ready to make. These next few weeks will be difficult for I will have to starve my flesh, but it will bring me closer to the love of my life, my saviour who loves me more than anything and will help me to be the precious princess that He created me to be.

A Tie Cut

Dear guy,

Here I am spouting off all my resentment and regret wondering why it took me so long to see that I was just your marionette. You were one of the only people that I could honestly say I gave everything I could, and it still wasn't enough. You stole my dignity, my joy and my love replacing it with a void, one that goes deeper than the pit of your selfish ambition and pride.

I am sure you are ashamed so am I. We both know it wasn't supposed to be like that. We had something special. My friend's wedding day was supposed to bring us closer, to spark the flame and see if it would burn. We longed to see if there was anything to fight for and we came up short.

You turned a beautiful moment into a lustful compromise. Was it worth it? Did you find some satisfaction in taking what you wanted leaving me to drown in the aftermath? I waited too many years waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I loved you and wanted you to open up and let me in. Was it that I was living here and you further away? Did you ever want anything for us or were you merely using me until the real one came along? I know that I must accept that we are over and that what you and I did cannot be erased. For every text from you became an insult after a while, filled with a lack of empathy and shallow love yet I still held on. You became distant and left me not knowing where we stood. You would constantly say we would talk then leave me waiting to hear from you. That's cold and heartless. You knew I was waiting, questioning where you stood and why you did the things you did to me. There is a piece of me that has been chipping away due to your silence and the blame you put upon me that is not mine to solely bear.

I couldn't see who you really were underneath the religion and the facade you placated so well. It is plain as day now that you and I were never meant to fall in love, we were oil and water, coexisting but not ever going to become one.

I cannot say that I know when you stopped feeling the flame burn all I know is now that is out I am left with am even larger void left behind from the other guys like you. How I wish I would have seen what this love for you would cost me. I wish that I saw you for what you were, someone who would never treat me with the love and respect I deserved. Maybe it was because I didn't fit into the big picture. Maybe I didn't give you what you wanted and so you desired to make me suffer along with you. Whatever the reason one thing I am sure of: You and I were a possibility at one time or another, but its safe to say that after that one night the love I had for you was gone with the wind. I resent you for the lack of compassion and for the dismissal. You bluntly through back everything that happened that night in my face. As if I was the one to blame for your lack of respect towards me and your lack of self control? How does that make sense? 

Tomorrow I will be one year older and honestly one more year wiser. I have learned not to trust religious facades that worldly men put up so easily to convince yourselves and the beautiful girl that you are one to pine for. That you were our heros and we should put our trust in you. How blind I was to not see what was hidden in the depths of your heart. You talked the talk and I fell for it but actions speak louder than words and yours spoke of your disrespect and lack of love and empathy towards me. That was when I began to realize that you were not bold enough to just admit you couldn't love me the way I deserved to be loved. 

I feel used, dismissed and mostly I feel confused. Confused because I cannot see why you never gave more, never put your effort in. You let me wait and you allowed me to fall for you and then you took that for granted and took the one thing I would not freely give you.

You are the one who gave up, and who who took advantage of me. You will always be remembered as the one who lusted me but never truly showed love to me. You are the last tie to my binded heart that I am cutting loose. You will no longer be allowed to see the depths of who I am, to see all my beauty and talent that lies within me. You no longer have the power to wound me. The bond between you and I will remain cut and that is on you. Don't bother trying to fall into my good graces. I forgive you, but you and I are a tragedy and we will remain as such.

Sincerely,

The one who gave you everything to be left with nothing.


P.S  To any readers out there this is my dear guy letter. It is a letter to get rid of resentment and anger and hurt
that I have buried inside due to a guy who disrespected me and left me bruised and abandoned. It is about a guy who didn't deserve me and my recognition of the blind submission and love I gave him and the empowerment of knowing I can take my heart back and move forward. It was starting to eat away at me so I decided to write the letter so I could let it go once and for all. If he ever reads it I am sure he will know it was for him. This was just my way of getting rid of the emotions and moving onward, leaving him and the bitterness in the past.    

Cry For Help

For anyone who is reading this I want you to know that if I have looked okay or seemed okay, I am not.
This is the only place where I can say what's on my mind without the looks of pity or shock looking back at me. I have done everything I know how to do and I realize I am not capable of getting myself better. I have tried but I am failing. So I give up. There is a better way and I have been avoiding it. I need to stop avoiding the pain and start dealing with it. I thought I was. But I obviously am not. So I need to surrender my pain to God and just let go of the secret and the burden I have been carrying.

Is it wrong to want to avoid pain and act fine? No for its a human thing. But I do wish I could do the right thing and have the courage to face the truth.

Days of Bliss

Have you ever just had those days of pure bliss, to the point in which you stay up longer just so it can last? 


Lately, I have had quite a few blah days in a row. So I have prayed for days of bliss, days in which I can rest and enjoy life and enjoy life's simplest moments that most people take advantage due to the hectic schedules and completing the duties of the day.  


On Sunday, I went to church and enjoyed an inspiring message and then I packed for the Sleep Cheap night in the Falls. I was so excited, because I knew it would be a day of bliss, where I could just enjoy myself and relax and let the weight on my shoulders fall off. 


Sunday night was an incredible night full of chocolate, great views and new experiences. I also was able to face my fear of heights twice in one night.  It was night that I wish I could do all over again. 


The best part was not feeling alone. It was being with a good friend who just let go with me and had a blast. It was not remembering my brokenness. I didn't feel sadness or pain I felt happy again. 


This day of bliss let me forget temporarily how much I am in pain. I didn't even know how much pain I was in until I came back from the Sleep Cheap night and felt alone and empty again.  


Sad but true.


I want more of them.  I was living and feeling alive that night and I want that again.

Why Do We Hide Our Hearts?

For the longest time, all that I could ever remember was my heart on the line then broken for another man to find. That man got more from me than the one before him, but I could never commit and give for I felt like I had nothing. I hid my heart and gave him what I could in order to not lose him for I would do anything to not feel lonely. I would end up opening myself up once I could trust him. I would fall for him and he would have pieces of me. But then the inevitable would come and he would start backing away, and I would push him out because I couldn't bear him leaving me and feeling like I can't satisfy or keep him. This pattern has been going on since a part of me was ripped away. That one person took so much of me and left me with nothing that I swore after that I would never trust one man with my heart again until God gave me the okay. 


Ever since, I have trusted no man fully with my heart except for one and now he is out of my life, because we both were miscommunicating and trying to avoid pain. I took everything I had left and gave it to him and he just couldn't see how much I wanted to be with him so he distanced himself from me and I did what I always did and I pushed him out of my life for good. Why? Because I loved him.  I knew eventually he would find out that I am wounded and would leave to spare himself pain or take my pain on. As a result of trying to protect ourselves, we both have been left with a large wound and an ache for healing that has been ongoing. 


My heart is wounded from a blow long ago that has not healed. The numerous blows that followed from lovestruck men have left my heart crying for protection and crying to be locked away. I have tried to be vulnerable and not let it be a weakness. However, through my vulnerability I have recognized a pattern that I am sure many women can relate to. Dumped, rejected or heartbroken seeking for another man to love so the pain will fade faster and so the loneliness will be temporary. Loneliness it is avoided like the plague. 


I am now going on 20 with numerous wounds from love, and I see now that one cannot truly love until one has truly healed from previous loss. That in my humble opinion is only done through the healing from The Heavenly Father. He is the only one who can restore the heart. 


I have suffered enough. I am tired of struggling with the pain of being rejected and being the rejecter. How can I be captivating and beautiful if I am constantly hiding my heart and soul from everyone? How can I truly allow myself to be loved in entirety and give myself completely to a man one day if I cannot give my entire heart to its creator?


I have struggled to find an answer of why I always fail in relationships. The answer was simple but I was blind to it. I have too many wounds that have not received healing, because I did not allow my heart time to be restored by God. Now, all I want to do is allow God to take my heart and heal, restore, and fill it with love again. I know now that I have struggled for too long all because I did not surrender. I know now what to do. Too bad it took me numerous attempts and painful break ups to see it. Time heals all wounds. We have heard that phrase over and over. I believe time is necessary to heal all wounds, because not all wounds are truly recognized and acknowledged. Some are left undealt with due to a fear of the pain that will follow. Time allows God to mend the heart and while he is reaching out it allows us to receive his love that completely satisfies. It causes us to reflect on how precious we are and to keep our heart for someone special, someone who will treat our heart with respect and will cherish it forever. I know that seems like something written out of a fairy tale, but I believe it is possible with God. He writes our love story because he is the lover of our soul afterall. :)

The Y Generation Speaks

This is what the Y Generation feels and expresses every day.

These are the beliefs and cries of many young people today.

There are some hopeful encouragements, some simple

truths and some expressions clearly stated because of pain

and a loss of hope.

I exist in this generation and I know how difficult it is to live in this

generation and still be a dreamer.

To still have hope and still believe that a difference can be made.

I know how hard it is when one is not typical.

I know that society makes life more difficult than it has to be.

Thank God there is hope.

Thank God that there are people still who will fight

to make a difference and to encourage others not to give up.

I am in this group of people,

the group that is determined not to quit, and to see their dreams become a reality.

Many young people have questions that are not being answered.

Many young people have dreams that they still see as reachable.

There are many though that do not see themselves accomplishing their goals.

This blog I dedicate to those that fight to be the change this world needs.

To those who refuse to quit no matter life's circumstances. 

The ones that keep the faith and keep moving forward.

All of these came from tumblr.com. A place where young people can express freely and share with other young people. Youth have a voice here. Its time some of them are heard.