Out In the Open

To be or not to be? This is the famous question that Shakespeare posed. I would like to take this question up a notch. To be vulnerable or not to be vulnerable? That is the real question. Throughout life's winding journey I cannot help but sometimes wonder: 

Why am I so often afraid to show my vulnerability? 

Vulnerability in essence is risk. It is bearing all leaving oneself open to many things including criticism, rejection, love, hurt, or empathy.
It can leave us at risk of getting hurt or feeling rejected and yet at the same time it can leave room for someone to give support and kindness.


Are the benefits of being vulnerable worth the risk? 

I named my blog Beautifully Vulnerable. For there is a desire to be open with my readers and to be open with myself. As I have written this blog, I have already decided to shed some layers. This specific post, however, will shed a layer that not many have seen out of my fear of being vulnerable. But here it goes...

I cannot stand walls and facades of many forms. Trying to take down walls can create more exhaustion. It also causes one to feel closed in. Essentially, keeping our emotional guard up can often create a false sense of security. The masks that we wear to look whole on the outside cause us to crumble on the inside. We often can miss out on deeper connection.

I cannot help but realize my own walls that I've put up to "protect" my vulnerable self. I have used many walls to keep people at a distance, to hide my weaknesses. For a long time, I used walls in my relationships to weed out the bad ones and see who would fight to tear the walls down to get to the real me. The problem is I have started to realize I have kept myself closed off to deeper intimacy. I put up the walls to hide my weaknesses and to only allow my vulnerability to be seen by the ones deserving. As a result, I probably missed out.

Isn't it ironic that many think expressing emotion makes one weak when in actuality holding it inside causes one to suffer? Therefore, due to recent circumstances, I am being forced to reconsider my position on vulnerability. 

Is vulnerability something to avoid or embrace? 

This past week someone close to me has been forced to be vulnerable. Everything is in the open. He suffered a stroke and did not get a choice to hide behind walls.  He automatically became vulnerable. His ability to control emotion was lessened so was his ability to keep things private. I've seen the hospital staff try to keep their patient's privacy and dignity, all knowing that there is a certain amount of dignity that is already lost. When one cannot utter what one wishes to say then one is left frustrated. The individual is automatically forced to express emotions that are uncomfortable often through the shedding of tears. Awkward silence is inevitable. No one in the room knows what to say. We were all thinking it has to be hard on him. Yet no one really understood how many layers of himself he was truly showing. Did anyone appreciate his genuine expression of emotion?
Yes, I dare say his vulnerability caused all of us to drop our guard and let the tears fall.  It does not have to mean weakness. Being vulnerable takes courage. It requires us to be out in the open and have faith that it will be okay.  We all grew in openness and gained strength by willing to be 'engaged with our vulnerability' as the renowned research professor Brene Brown puts it. To be vulnerable together deepens our connection to each other.

I write this from a broken place of seeing someone who kept much hidden within himself now on the tightrope of vulnerability. He cannot turn back. He must face the discomfort and risk of being vulnerable head on. He has always been a strong man. I have always seen that he is a fighter. Now, I see a different kind of strength altogether. He has courage to face his family and try to smile even though I am sure everything within him is crumbling. His walls are down and he is faced with the truth that he has to relearn many skills that many of us take for granted such as eating, walking, and speaking. It is heartbreaking and yet he knows, deep down, that he is loved for who he is. All of him. He can be vulnerable and know it is not judged. He is accepted and loved.

He is not out in the open alone. Jesus himself was vulnerable exposed to the world. He knows firsthand how it feels. His exposure and vulnerability gave us the ability to turn to him when we are afraid and when we are hurting. We can express our pain and know we are not alone.

I have learned these past few days that vulnerability is not easy, but it is worth it. It causes us to be empathetic and to build genuine relationship. It is a decision to not hold back and to not let fear win.   I cannot say I am never embarrassed or that I don't ever want to retreat and hide. What I am saying is that I am striving to see the beauty in vulnerability. I have much to learn. I am definitely no expert on this subject. I will, however, continue to create openness and dare to be more out in the open in all areas of my life. I have started today. I hope it inspires many of you to allow your own vulnerability to deepen your connections with people.